GOHAN: The following is a fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, DragonBall GT, and DragonBall Super are all owned by FUNimation, TOEI Animation, Shueisha, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release.
(cut to Perfect Cell repeatedly punching Gohan in the face and then over to a crowd in a city watching the burtal beatdown)
JIMMY FIRECRACKER: Folks at home...we here at ZTV do not condone child violence! We will, however, continue to bring it to you live in high-definition all thanks to our sponsors at HETAP: (shows an advertisement for HETAP) "When you're feeling sapped, bring the TAP!"
GOKU: Don't worry, Piccolo. At some point, Cell's hand is going to cramp up, and then Gohan will-- (Perfect Cell kicks Gohan down to the ground) Oh God, feet! Gohan! Look out for low kicks Turtle, son!
PERFECT CELL: (chuckles) You're quite a treat to knock around, kid...durable like your father, but soft like your mother. But if you think the only way to win is to not play, I have news for you, brat... (leaps up into the air) You're playing the wrong game!
(Fires a blast at Gohan, who groans as he gets knocked back. Perfect Cell fires another blast.)
PICCOLO: Gohan, DOD--! (shows Gohan rolling to evade the oncoming blasts) ...
KAMI: (You must be so proud.)
NAIL: (Your precious runt is becoming a man.) (Gohan dodges another blast fired by Perfect Cell)
PICCOLO: (thinking) Yeah, but... I mean, he could be dodging better.
JIMMY FIRECRACKER: Good gravy! This eleven-year-old child is currently fighting for his life! (scoffs) Methinks the Make-A-Wish Foundation has gone too far this time!
(Gohan leaps away, but Perfect Cell appears behind him and extends his arm)
PERFECT CELL: Game over, kid.
(fires a shockwave that sends Gohan flying away through two plateaus)
JIMMY FIRECRACKER: Dear sweet merciful God, I think...HE'S DEAD! (cut over to Chi-Chi and the Ox-King watching the fight, Chi-Chi stares at the television in shock) (sotto voce) Can we show that on network television? I-I mean...we're live, so...
(Chi-Chi suddenly faints)
OX KING: Sweetheart, remember! You have another one coming!
(cut over to everyone else at the battlefield)
PERFECT CELL: Soooo, which one of you wants to try and describe the word "filicide" to Goku? I'd ask Gohan, but...well, he's been "filicided".
TRUNKS: I'm actually not sure what it means either.
KRILLIN: I think it's when you murder a pony?
PICCOLO: IT MEANS GOHAN IS DEAD...! ...AND IT'S YOUR FAULT, GOKU! HE'S DEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!!
GOKU: Yo, Gohan! Stop hiding your power level and come on out, you goof!
(Gohan lets out an exasperated sigh from underneath the rocks and then clears the rubble in a flash of light)
PERFECT CELL: (irritated) Oh, goody.
(Gohan walks directly in front of Perfect Cell and stops)
GOHAN: C-can I say something?
PERFECT CELL: I've been humoring you this entire time anyway, so why not? But if you're looking to exchange barbs, I'd recommend cutting your teeth on something simpler first...like that embarrassment over there. (referring to Mr. Satan)
MR. SATAN: Leave me out of this!
GOHAN: I know why I'm here. I know why my Dad threw me to the biggest wolf in the woods.
PERFECT CELL: (while chuckling) Oh, trust me! I'll huff and puff and blow you down.
KRILLIN: He's eleven!
PERFECT CELL: I'm six!
GOHAN: It's because whenever I get backed into a corner...I snap. And when I do...I hurt people.
PERFECT CELL: Well, like, uh... W-what do you do to 'em?
GOHAN: When I get angry...when I lose my mind...my power skyrockets and... everything goes red. The world around me just...fades away. And all I can see is the person I want to kill. Of course, I've never actually managed to beat anyone in the past, but...I think my Dad knows that...if I snap here...
PERFECT CELL: Let me guess, "you'll kill me"?
GOHAN: You said it, not me.
PERFECT CELL: (starts chuckling and then starts laughing) Well, threaten me with a good time!
GOHAN: (confused) Huh?!
PERFECT CELL: At first, you had my curiosity...but now you have my erection.
GOHAN: (still confused) You mean your attent--?
PERFECT CELL: You all know what I'm about! (fires a Death Beam at Gohan, who dodges it by ducking)
KRILLIN: That's Freeza's move! The one he killed Vegeta with! Remember that, Vegeta?
VEGETA: I was there.
KRILLIN: You should really watch out for that.
VEGETA: Didn't Freeza blow you up?!
KRILLIN: Whoa-ho-ho, yeah!
VEGETA: (mockingly) "Then you should really watch out for that!" That's you.
KRILLIN: ...Team Three Star?
YAMCHA: What's that? Is that a club? Can I join?!
VEGETA & KRILLIN: No!
(Gohan dodges another Death Beam, but Perfect Cell appears from behind him and grabs him in a bear hug)
PERFECT CELL: So to be clear, when you break, I die. Is that the gist of it?
GOHAN: That would be the process of events, yes.
PERFECT CELL: Well, then...let's see which breaks first. (tightens his bear hug, causing Gohan to scream in agony.)
GOKU: (thinking) Just according to cake. (Translator's Note: "Cake" means "Keikaku") (Translator's Note: "Keikaku" means "Plan")
PICCOLO: In this endless pile of hay, Goku, this is the last straw! If you don't go out there, your son--your flesh and blood--will die! No ifs, ands or buts!
PICCOLO: NO BUTS!!
PERFECT CELL: (as he continues crushing the life out of Gohan) Speaking of butts, which way do you think his organs are gonna come out? Because I'm betting mouth, but I'm hoping...
GOKU: I get what you're saying, but this is exactly what I've been planning out this whole time!
PICCOLO: You? What could you possibly--?
GOKU: Why do you think Gohan and I went into the Time Chamber after Vegeta and Trunks?
GOKU: Because if Gohan and I came out first, we'd've killed Cell right away. But leaving that job to Vegeta? Well...I mean, you saw what happened.
PICCOLO: I'm...confused, because it sounds like you knew Vegeta would screw up.
GOKU: Well, it was gonna be him or Krillin.
PICCOLO: (having a revelation) Oh my Go-- B-b-but how did you know he wouldn't just kill everyone after becoming perfect?!
GOKU: I took care of that myself. (flashback to him taking to Semi-Perfect Cell in episode 48) Oh, and, uh...Cell? You're gonna die. (back to present) Cell would never pass that up...because I wouldn't.
PICCOLO: Okay, but...but why Gohan?
GOKU: Piccolo...I ain't gonna be around forever. Sooner or later, death is gonna...stick, y'know? So what then? Someone's gotta be here when I'm not. And when I was in the Chamber with him, I realized that...that person...is Gohan.
PERFECT CELL: (continues tightening his bear hug, causing Gohan's bones to crack) Listen to those bones crackling and popping...so where's the snap, kiddo?! (Gohan squeaks) Ha! Like father, like son! Wait, no! "Like father, like Son Gohan." (snickers) ...Perfect.
GOHAN: (sounding a bit slurred) It was alright, Cell...
PICCOLO: Well...seems like you thought of almost everything.
GOKU: I just treated it like one big fight. ...Kinda like everything in my life.
PICCOLO: Unfortunately, you skipped one small detail.
PICCOLO: GOHAN DOESN'T LIKE FIGHTING, YOU MORON!!
GOKU: (in disbelief) Whaaaat? Noooo... (Gohan is still heard screaming in pain) I mean...right?
PICCOLO: Have you ever, in your life, actually asked your son what he likes?
GOKU: Umm...but he went in that Chamber with me for that whole year.
PICCOLO: Because he wanted to spend time with you--his father--the man who spends half his time training, and the other half dead! SOMETIMES BOTH!
GOKU: I mean...does anyone else--
TRUNKS: Yeah, a little bit.
KRILLIN: I mean...
TIEN: Pretty hard to dispute.
PERFECT CELL: Eh, no one's perfect!
GOKU: I've made a terrible mistake.
PICCOLO: (mockingly) "Oh, I've made a terrible mistake!" That's you! (begins lifting his cape over his head)
GOKU: (gives off a look of horror after seeing what he has done to his son before giving a determined look) Krillin, I need another Senzu Bean.
KRILLIN: Oh-ho-ho, no way, Gosé!
(Perfect Cell lets go of Gohan, who falls to the ground)
GOKU: Krillin, I'm serious! I'm gonna use it on me this time!
KRILLIN: (mockingly) "Krillin, I'm serious! I'm gonna use it on me this time!" That's you. (Perfect Cell snatches the bag of Senzu Beans from his hand)
PERFECT CELL: Uh, just a quick update, everyone: These are now tournament illegal. Uh, thank you. (makes a Sonic spring sound and flies off)
KRILLIN: Okay, that's my B.
GOKU: It's alright, Krillin. This is everybody's B.
PICCOLO: I have done literally nothing wrong.
TIEN: Yeah, join the club.
YAMCHA: So there is a club.
PERFECT CELL: (lands in front of Gohan) I see now that not all roads lead to Rome. Torture won't do the trick, so let's change up the game plan, shall we? I'm going to drag each one of them down here and murder them until you finally give me what I want.
GOHAN: N-no, please!
PERFECT CELL: (shushing) It's okay. I'll save your dad for last. Hear that, Piccolo?!
PICCOLO: I mean, if you're just gonna say it--
GOKU: I don't get it.
GOHAN: Stay away from--! (Perfect Cell kicks him into a wall)
PERFECT CELL: Sit down! This might take a while.
ANDROID 16: Enough! (appears out of nowhere and grabs Perfect Cell from behind)
PERFECT CELL: 16?! Listen, buddy, I'm thrilled that you're finally coming around to me, but your timing is less than ideal!
JIMMY FIRECRACKER: And the Jolly Green Ginger has got Cell in a bear hug! Everybody's gettin' love today, folks!
KRILLIN: Bro-bot! Be careful!
TRUNKS: Stop calling him that!
KRILLIN: Don't judge our robromance!
PICCOLO: What is he doing?
ANDROID 16: Within me is a high-yield nuclear explosive. I am going to self-destruct and take Cell with me. ...Also, probably most of you. That is my B.
PERFECT CELL: I do not consent to this!
ANDROID 16: Your compliance isn't a factor.
PERFECT CELL: You had a chunk of your head missing! How do you remember that?!
KRILLIN: Wait! You don't have to do this, bro-bot! You still have so much to live for!
ANDROID 16: If I do not do this, Cell will continue to kill and destroy. ...Also, I call dibs. If I cannot kill Goku, nobody will kill Goku!
PERFECT CELL: We can split him, 16! In half! Together!
KRILLIN: (off-screen) Wow!
ANDROID 16: You cannot talk your way out of this one, Cell. My countdown has started. 10...
JIMMY FIRECRACKER: What are the odds of outrunning a nuclear (ANDROID 16: 9...) explosion?
MISTER SATAN: (hyperventilating) FIND ME A BOMB SHELTER! (ANDROID 16: 8...) N-NO, A FRIDGE!
PERFECT CELL: You're being (ANDROID 16: 7...) really selfish right now! I hope you know that! (ANDROID 16: 6...)
JIMMY FIRECRACKER: Larry... (ANDROID 16: 5...) One more time, for old times' sake. (ANDROID 16: 4...)
LARRY: (tearing up) "Where there's smoke, there's (ANDROID 16: 3...) Firecracker," sir.
JIMMY FIRECRACKER: (also tearing up) You're (ANDROID 16: 2...) goddamn right.
ANDROID 16: 1...
PERFECT CELL: Noooo...!
ANDROID 16: 0! (begins glowing with everyone minus Krillin shielding themselves, preparing for the explosion...but nothing happens as he suddenly stops glowing) Negative 1! Negative 2! Negative--! A critical error has occurred. Where's the "kaboom"!? There was supposed to be a Cell-shattering "kaboom"!
TRUNKS: Oh, right. My mom said she took out your bomb during repairs!
ANDROID 16: Who gave her the right?!
PERFECT CELL: Well, 16, not that this long embrace hasn't been heartwarming and all--my endorphins are just going crazy right now--but I have a child to break. (breaks free from 16's grasp) Now if I'm correct, you were looking for a..."kaboom"?
ANDROID 16: If I said "no", would you still--?
(Kaboom! Perfect Cell fires a blast that turns 16 into a hundred of pieces. Goku and Piccolo gasp.)
(16's head lands near Larry, Jimmy Firecracker, and Mr. Satan, causing the three of them to look down and scream)
(cut to Bulma and Master Roshi watching the fight at Kame House)
BULMA: Son of a...! If I knew he was gonna go nuclear on Cell, I'd have left the stupid thing in him!
MASTER ROSHI: Why'd you even take it out in the first place?
BULMA: Are you joking?! Imagine if he decided to blow his payload the first time he saw Goku! Try explaining that to Chi-Chi! "Whoops, sorry I let your husband and child get nuked, but the Hippocratic oath and all that."
MASTER ROSHI: Bulma, I think you need to relax more. How's about a brewski?
BULMA: I'm still breast-feeding.
MASTER ROSHI: Well, then, two of us are thirsty!
BABY TRUNKS: (coos adorably)
MASTER ROSHI: You go, baby.
BABY TRUNKS: Mmmmilk.
(cut back to the battle)
PERFECT CELL: Oh, 16... I wanted you to be the wind beneath my wings, but all you've done is take the wind out of my sails. Now I don't even feel like killing these fools.
GOHAN: D-does that mean--?
PERFECT CELL: Yes, kiddo, I'm not going to kill your daddies. ...They are.
GOHAN: The implication being...?
PERFECT CELL: (groaning suggestively as his tail fans out and pops out something)
GOHAN: (softly) ...Oh, my God.
PERFECT CELL: (continues grunting as another thing pops out his tail)
JIMMY FIRECRACKER: Ladies and gentlemen at home, the terrible Cell is now...doing one of two things--I'm pretty sure we can't show either on network television.
PERFECT CELL: (still groans as another thing pops out his tail)
PICCOLO: I don't understand! Where's the egg?!
PERFECT CELL: (while still going strong) You did this to me! (another thing pops out his tail) You all did this to me!
KRILLIN: "Life, uh... finds a way..."
PERFECT CELL: (continues with his screaming as another thing pops out his tail)
VEGETA: ...to make me vomit!
PERFECT CELL: (moans as two more things pop out his tail)
GOKU: Oh, this seems easy! I don't get what Chi-Chi was complaining about!
PERFECT CELL: (tail now closes up) Oh, good... alright. (tail shudders) Augh, fantastic. That's gonna be doing that the rest of the day. (groans) Goku, I've decided that your insistence on fighting your progeny would be best returned in kind. So behold: My children! (arrow points to each designated child) Norio, Damien, Travis, Curtis, Dale and Jonathan. Oh, and of course...Vegeta Junior...Junior.
VEGETA JUNIOR JUNIOR: Veeeegeeeetaaaa...
VEGETA: It's like every nightmare I've ever had fused into one, cloned itself, f***ed the clone and then made those!
PICCOLO: That is...terrifyingly accurate!
PERFECT CELL: Gather 'round, children. Daddy's set up a playdate for you! Now make sure you share your toys, don't leave Daddy's sight...and bring me the bodies. (Gohan gasps) But most importantly, have fun!
(Cell Juniors attack the Z-Fighters)
GOKU: Cell Juniors incoming!
VEGETA: We are NOT calling them that! (goes Super Saiyan and attacks Vegeta Junior Junior, who blocks his attack)
VEGETA JUNIOR JUNIOR: Vegeeeetaaaa... (Vegeta stares in stunned horror) I'm fighting you.
(Vegeta tries to throw a punch, but Vegeta Junior Junior evades by jumping. Krillin tries punching Norio, but he also evades by jumping.)
NORIO: You're too slow!
KRILLIN: Blue blurry bastard!
(shows the entire Z-Fighters engaging the Cell Juniors in combat)
PERFECT CELL: Are they not precious, my own little family? Ah, now after I'm through with this worthless little planet, I'll have someone to accompany me as I trounce about the stars. Perhaps I'll try conquering Namek...wear that hat for a little while.
PERFECT CELL: Yeah, you're right. That's the Freeza talking.
PICCOLO: So tell me, Goku: Where does this fit into your master plan?! (grabs an attack from a Cell Junior)
GOKU: Well, you know what they say: "Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the--"
TRAVIS: (hitting Goku with each word) Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am! (kicks Goku in the face)
GOHAN: P-Please! I take back what I said about my hidden power! I don't wanna fight you! This is my Dad's fight, not mine! So I'm begging you: just rein them in! Give my dad a Senzu Bean and--
PERFECT CELL: And there it is.
PERFECT CELL: That right there...that is why I despise you. You know what they all have in common? The Saiyans might be fools, the humans might be weak, and the Namekian might not belong...but they're still out there fighting. Not just for their lives, but for this dung hill of a world.
(Norio kicks Krillin to the ground) (Krillin Owned Count: 37)
PERFECT CELL: See? Even Krillin's doing his best!
KRILLIN: Thanks for noticing! (gets kicked by Norio) Ngh!(Krillin Owned Count: 38) I-I really try! (Norio kicks him again) Agh! (Krillin Owned Count: 39)
PERFECT CELL: But none of them, boy--not a one--shares that trait with you so vile, it drives me to retch! You, Gohan...are a coward.
GOHAN: No... I'm just a pacifist!
PERFECT CELL: So a coward patting himself on the back. Congratulations, pint-size, you can stand proud next to the bodies.
YAMCHA: Hi-yah! (tries punching Damien, but the Cell Junior grabs his arm) ...Please don't break my arm.
DAMIEN: Hmm... No.
(Damien elbows Yamcha's arm)
YAMCHA: (pained shrieking) My baseball career!
JIMMY FIRECRACKER: Dear viewers, it looks like Cell's gone full septo-mom, with seven sinister spawns! Mr. Satan, do you have a plan to deal with these terrifying toddlers? These chilling children?! These...prepubescent predators?!
MR. SATAN: Uhh...y'see, Jimmy, those aren't actually children. They're dwarves paid to fight on his behalf! And honestly, I bet you they ain't even payin' 'em industry rates! I tell ya, Jimmy, the way little people are treated in show business...oh, it's downright criminal! I-I'm gonna go right now and look up their agents, and give 'em a piece of my--
ANDROID 16: Excuse me.
MR. SATAN: Yeep! (creaks his head towards 16)
ANDROID 16: I seem to be without a body. Would you mind lending me yours? (Larry, Mr. Satan, and Jimmy Firecracker scream) Why are you screaming?
JIMMY FIRECRACKER: Because you're a talking head!
ANDROID 16: So are you.
JIMMY FIRECRACKER: That...is cutting, sir.
ANDROID 16: I need one of you to give me a hand. I must get close to Cell and the boy, so one of you will need to get me there. I believe that I know a way to finally put an end to this madness.
JIMMY FIRECRACKER: Are you crazy?! What makes you think we're going anywhere near that war zone?!
MR. SATAN: I'll do it.
JIMMY FIRECRACKER: Mr. Satan?
MR. SATAN: I have a daughter at home, Jimmy. A little girl about the age of that boy out there. And right now, I'm being told I might be able to save the world, (grabs 16's head) and all I gotta do is throw this robot's head in spitting distance of that crazy killer bug-monster? Sure...that may sound crazy--
JIMMY FIRECRACKER: No, it's definitely crazy. Larry?
LARRY: I have been finding God throughout this entire experience.
MR. SATAN: Well then, who better to leave it to than the World Martial Arts champ, Mr. Satan? And besides, what'd I tell you, Jimmy? ...It's all a bunch o' tricks.
ANDROID 16: They are not. You could die.
MR. SATAN: (as he runs towards Gohan and Perfect Cell) Do you have a mute button or something?
ANDROID 16: Not anymore.
(Damien is shown repeatedly kicking Yamcha on the ground, who screams with each kick)
PERFECT CELL: (thinking) Damien sure is kicking the shit out of Yamcha. It's like a metaphor. Ugh, he honestly doesn't deserve this. Mm, buuuut it's still funny.
PERFECT CELL: Hm?
GOHAN: I'm gonna... I'm gonna...r-rip off your head and...umm--
PERFECT CELL: Oh, yeah? C'mon, c'mon, you can do it. I believe in you.
GOHAN: ...and...and defecate...
PERFECT CELL: Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
GOHAN: ...on your...lunch?
PERFECT CELL: (frowns and lets out a disappointed sigh) Now you're just embarrassing us both. Seriously, how hard is it to piss off an eleven-year-old?! You should be a stomping mess from me taking your toy away! Meanwhile, your friends and family are getting beaten into mulch, and all you can do is...cry? (Gohan is shown crying like a bitch) And now he's crying?! Are you serious?! That's it--kids, put your toys away. We're going home.
PERFECT CELL: And to be clear, I mean "kill them all so I can blow up this shithole and find something better to do". Waste of my f***ing Sunday.
GOHAN: Hold on! I'm just one step closer to the edge, and I'm about to--!
PERFECT CELL: Everything...you say to me...is pissing me off! You had your chance, kid! And in the end...it didn't even matter.
ANDROID 16: Wait! (his head bounces on the ground) Ow. Ow. Ow.
PERFECT CELL: Hm?
(16's head ends up landing in between Gohan and Perfect Cell)
ANDROID 16: Thank you for your assistance...
MR. SATAN: Don't name me...!
ANDROID 16: ...Mr. Satan.
PERFECT CELL: Kids, when you're done with them, draw and quarter that buffoon. (Mr. Satan wails) As for you, I'm surprised you're still...well, I was going to say "kicking", but--
ANDROID 16: Gohan.
PERFECT CELL: Alright, fine, fine then. You talk to him, Jesus.
GOHAN: Wha...what are you--?
ANDROID 16: Grow. Up.
ANDROID 16: You act like you are the only one suffering, but I believe that Trunks has some stories for you. And I can assume they all end with, "And then he died, too." And before you start whining about your father, again--and I get it--take a moment to consider that my father made me a soulless killing machine to kill your father. And that doesn't even come close to the complete tragedy of fatherhood that is Vegeta.
VEGETA: You wanna come up here and say that?!
ANDROID 16: I am a head.
VEGETA: Then maybe you should quit while you are!
ANDROID 16: Cell was right. You think you're better than everyone else, but there you stand: the good man doing nothing. And while evil triumphs, and your rigid pacifism crumbles into blood-stained dust, the only victory afforded to you is that you stuck true to your guns. You were a coward...to your last whimper. Of fear and love, I fear not that I will die, but that all I have come to love: the birds, and the things that are not birds, will perish with me. (Perfect Cell begins walking up him) So please...Gohan...stop holding back. And hey, if we do make it out of this, please pick up my head and beat your father to death with--
(16's head gets squashed by Perfect Cell's foot. Gohan gasps in shock as a Red Ribbon Army circuit board hits the ground, its light flickering until it slowly dims out.)
PERFECT CELL: I'd say he's gone to a better place, but...we both know he never had a soul.
("Unmei no Hi ~Tamashii tai Tamashii~" starts playing in the background)
(an image of a bird is seen flying in front of Gohan's face)
♪Venit aevus ille♪
♪O Messiah, O Messiah♪
(the bird fades away as the background turns completely black, and then a red streak cuts through the black background and expands out to turn the background into a burning light)
PERFECT CELL: Hm?
GOHAN: RRRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! (releases a burst of energy that throws up the dust and debris around him)
♪Feel it drawing nearer, an endless fear that takes you hold♪
(Perfect Cell looks on in complete shock. This also causes the Cell Juniors to stop fighting and look at Gohan, with Vegeta, Trunks, Goku, and Piccolo doing the same.)
♪Feel it getting closer, revealing such an evil soul♪
(Gohan is now seen with his hair completely standing up and looking more spikier than before, now a Super Saiyan 2)
♪I can't surrender at the turning point of destiny♪
♪Right now it's do or die; my life is on the line and I will not flee♪
♪By my power!♪
♪Whoa-whoa, it's clear to me!♪
♪My spirit grows and I will face this demon♪
♪Whoa-whoa, WITH BURNING ENERGY♪
♪The day of fate has fin'ly come♪
(Gohan's tears stop flowing and gives a menacing stare at Cell)
(the DragonBall Z Abridged Logo appears on the screen)