GOKU: The following is a fan-based parody. Dragon Ball, Dragon Ball Z, Dragon Ball GT, and Dragon Ball Super are all owned by Funimation, Toei Animation, Shueisha and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release.
(cut to the battlefield with Super Saiyan 2 Gohan staring at Perfect Cell)
PERFECT CELL: Dear Lord in Piccolo, finally! And here I thought killing 16 was harder for me than it was for you. I'm confused, though. Were you friends? Did you talk about birds together? A couple of bird nerds?
GOHAN: (now speaking in a dark, deep tone) The murder of one's own child or children.
PERFECT CELL: Uhhh... (Gohan snatches the bag of Senzu Beans) Wha--?!
GOHAN: (appears in front of a Cell Junior) You wanted me to define "filicide."
(the Cell Junior leaps towards Gohan, but Gohan evades him and destroys him with a swift chop)
PERFECT CELL: Oh...
VEGETA: Alright, would anyone care to explain... THE F**K?!
PICCOLO: I'm kind of afraid to because I'm pretty sure that would involve giving Goku credit for this.
GOKU: The takeaway here is, you're welcome.
(Gohan looks at two Cell Juniors standing besides a knocked out Krillin)
PICCOLO: The ends don't justifies the means, Goku!
GOKU: You're mean!
(Gohan appears in front of two Cell Juniors. One of them picks up Krillin.)
CELL JUNIOR: (extends his nails at Krillin's neck) Uh uh uh~
GOHAN: Really? You're using Krillin as a hostage? His death is a day trip for us and a free ice-cream sundae for him. Go ahead.
KRILLIN: Actually, I'm lactose intolerant...
GOHAN: (while extending his hand) Nobody's lactose intolerant in heaven, Krillin. That's why it's heaven.
(the Cell Junior from behind lets out a scared grunt)
CELL JUNIOR: Nope! (flies off)
GOHAN: Too little, too late.
(The Cell Junior drops Krillin and fires a blast at Gohan. Much to his shock, Gohan appears from behind while holding Krillin.)
GOHAN: Bitch move. (disappears to lay Krillin near Piccolo and then reappears and destroys that Cell Junior with a kick)
PERFECT CELL: (singing Billy Ocean's "Suddenly" in his head)
♪Suddenlyyyy...
♪Life has new meaning to meeeeeeee!♪
♪There's beauty up above...♪
♪and things we never take notice of...♪
♪You wake up and suddenly...♪
♪You're in loooooove!♪
JIMMY FIRECRACKER: Jimmy Firecracker here, reporting from this tree! The young man has apparently undergone a harrowing transformation and is currently dismantling these demented delinquents, one after the--
LARRY: Sir, that big explosion from earlier wrecked the camera. We're totally dark.
JIMMY FIRECRACKER: Oh.
(cut to the city with the jumbotron displaying a vintage test pattern displaying the words "PLEASE STAND BY", on which the face of Mr. Satan can be seen)
RANDOM CIVILIAN 1: So... another riot?
RANDOM CIVILIAN 2: Sure, why not.
RANDOM CIVILIAN 3: Yeah, f*** this city!
(cut back to the battlefield with the two Cell Juniors charging at Gohan, who proceeds to throw the bag of Senzu Beans up in the air and punches both Cell Juniors before destroying one with a kick, and then catches the falling bag of Senzu Beans)
CELL JUNIOR: Daaayyaaaaad...
PERFECT CELL: I ain't no helicopter papa. Sink or swim, bitch.
GOHAN: (sends out a a volley of blasts, which hits two Cell Juniors and appears behind one) You forgot your water wings.
(destroys the Cell Junior with an uppercut and then dashes in front of two fleeing Cell Juniors and destroys both of them with one strike. He then looks at the last remaining Cell Junior) Don't.
(The last Cell Junior tries to flee but Gohan intercepts him in midair and spikes him down to the ground, meeting him before reaching the ground and destroys him with a kick, looks down and stomps on his dismembered arm)
PERFECT CELL: Gimme... Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme!
GOHAN: Trunks. (tosses the bag of Senzu Beans at Trunks)
TRUNKS: Huh? (catches the bag) Oh! Uh, sure. On it.
GOHAN: Try to forget you're half-Vegeta and don't f*** it up.
VEGETA: F**KIN'...!
TRUNKS: (lands near Krillin) Hey, Krillin. Krillin! (throws a Senzu Bean at his face) (imitating Krillin) Senzu Bean! (Krillin moans) Ugh. Okay, yeah let's just... (places the Senzu Bean inside Krillin's mouth) Hey, Yamcha! (leaps and lands near Yamcha) I "senzu" need some help? (Krillin groans) *sighs* Trunks, just stop.
KRILLIN: *sighs* Am I glad I'm not allergic to those...
TRUNKS: (after healing Tien with a Senzu Bean) Alright, let's get you up.
TIEN: Great. Now I can watch us become irrelevant vertically instead of horizontally. What are we even doing here anymore?
YAMCHA: I brought towels. Anyone want a towel?
KRILLIN: I'll take one. Today is a scorcher.
GOKU: (eats a Senzu Bean, thinking) ♪Senzu Beans are gonna heal ya!♪ (out loud) So what are we gonna call this? 'Cuz it's way stronger than Super Saiyan.
PICCOLO: Well, if it's a level beyond Super Saiyan, then...
GOKU: Then he must be a Super DUPER Saiyan!
PICCOLO: Hmmm.
VEGETA: (thinking) If he's a Super Duper Saiyan...then I shall find a way to become a Super-DEE-Duper Saiyan!
TRUNKS: Bean, dad?
VEGETA: Yeeeeeeeeees. (grabs the bean)
PERFECT CELL: Look at you! I'm gonna call you "whooping cough," because you just devastated my children! And for a second there, I thought that yarn you were spinning was going to turn up short... but here you are~! Hm, my final challen-- (Gohan punches him HARD in the stomach) OOHWARGH!! Urrrrgggggh...!!
GOHAN: Careful, Cell; your Vegeta's showing. (uppercuts Perfect Cell, knocking him back)
PERFECT CELL: (He lands on all fours, then struggles to get up) Y-You know, you're not wrong. (stumbles on his backside)
(strained) Ugh... Hoo boy... Nothing like a concussion... to really get the blood flowing...! (gushes)
GOHAN: Cell. You don't get it. I hate this. The vibrations through my fists on contact... The taste of blood in my mouth... The sound of my heart in my ears... I hate it. I always have. But right now... in this moment... The only thing I hate more than it... is you.
PERFECT CELL: Ugh. Put that on a Valentine. (powers up)
GOHAN: (begins walking up to Perfect Cell) Because you were right about me. I was a coward. Scared of what would happen if I snapped. Afraid that, if I lost it this time. I'd... never come back. That I'd finally kill someone. But I'm not scared anymore, Cell. (stops in front of Cell)
PERFECT CELL: (gives off a look of fear) Well, g-glad I could-- (Gohan kicks him in the face) GAAAAAAAAAAAH!
GOHAN: Because there's no point in being afraid of the inevitable.
PERFECT CELL: (gets up and looks at Gohan) ...Oh, f*** this. (flies up high in the air and takes an ominously familiar stance) Kaaaaaa.... meeeee..... haaaa....
GOKU: So, is this more of a Vegeta move or a Freezer move?
PERFECT CELL: Meeeee..... (charges up a massive Kamehameha)
KRILLIN: Speaking of move, we should probably!
PERFECT CELL: I could've just done this from the beginning! Instead I thought I'd have some fun, throw a tournament, but f*** you! Suck my perfect dick! HAAAAAAAA!!! (fires the Kamehameha wave, which races towards Gohan, causing Goku, Piccolo, and Trunks to look in terror)
GOHAN: (quietly) Ka... me... ha... me... (at the top of his lungs) HAAAAAAAA!!!
(Gohan fires his own Kamehameha wave that overpowers Perfect Cell's and is now racing towards the perfect being, with the force of the blast pushes the Z-Fighters back and sends Mr. Satan, Jimmy Firecracker, and Larry flying)
PERFECT CELL: AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
(the Kamehameha is seen flying into space before shifting back to the Z-Fighters emerging from underneath the sand)
KRILLIN: Anyone else got sand in their--
EVERYONE ELSE: YES!
TRUNKS: Everywhere!
PICCOLO: Uhhhh... guys?
TRUNKS: (looks up) Holy shit!
PERFECT CELL: (slurred) Hey, KID! You missed a spot! (is shown missing the top of his crown, his left arm and leg, and his wings)
GOHAN: Heh. (lets off a smile)
GOKU: All right, Gohan! Think it's time you brought her home!
GOHAN: Hold on! I'm not done ripping the wings off this butterfly.
PICCOLO: Red flag!
GOKU: Um, kiddo? I understand you're angry but--
GOHAN: But what? You're gonna give me advice now? Let me guess, I should let him go so he can be an even better fight later. Or maybe, I should let him power up to 100% so I can teach him humility! Wait, I know! I should throw him a goddamn Senzu Bean, and let YOU fight him!
GOKU: (nervously) Ah... uh... I... see what you're getting at, Gohan...
GOHAN: Then shut up and put on your poncho. You're in the splash zone.
GOKU: ...Is that also a red flag?
PICCOLO: Crimson.
PERFECT CELL: (grunts in pain as he regenerates his lost limbs) (thinking) Alright Cell, we saw what losing your cool got you... So tone down the Freeza and just chill the hell--
GOHAN: Done getting your shit together up there? Because I'm starting to get bored.
(Perfect Cell drops down now in his bulked-up state)
PERFECT CELL: (enraged) WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME, YOU HAPLESS LITTLE SHIT???!!!
GOHAN: I said I'm bored. You're boring me.
(Cell throws a punch at Gohan, but only manages to hit the earth. Gohan responds by kicking Perfect Cell in the stomach.)
KRILLIN: Hot damn! Anyone else feel that?!
TRUNKS: Pretty sure my pity well has bottomed out.
(Perfect Cell's mouth starts expanding and his chest swells up)
GOKU: Oh, no. Guys! Uh... starting to think he wasn't kidding about the splash zone--!
(Perfect Cell vomits, with his saliva splashing near the Z-Fighters)
KRILLIN: Wow!
(Android 18 is seen on the ground, unconscious and covered in saliva)
GOHAN: It's a girl. Mazel tov.
(Perfect Cell vomits more saliva)
KRILLIN: ANDROID 18!!
PICCOLO: Later!
KRILLIN: But my Bae-teen!
PICCOLO: I will get a hose!
(Krillin starts griping)
PERFECT CELL: FFFFFFFF**********************!!! F***! F***! F***! F***! F***! F***! F***! NO! NO! NO! F***! F***! F***! F***! F*** YOU! F*** YOU! UUWAARGH!
YAMCHA: Wait, so if he doesn't have 18 anymore... Does that mean...?
(as Yamcha theorized, Perfect Cell reverts back to his Semi-Perfect Form and starts panting heavily)
PICCOLO: ...Is that what he turned into after he beat me? I'm kinda offended by his lips. Am I allowed to be offended by his lips?
KRILLIN: Are you offended by Mr. Popo's lips?
PICCOLO: Wait, can we talk about that?!
(Semi-Perfect Cell gives a fearful look at Gohan, who responds by silently glaring at him)
SEMI-PERFECT CELL: Uh, so uh... Gonna eat that? (referring to 18)
GOHAN: ...No.
SEMI-PERFECT CELL: Then, uh, can I?
GOHAN: No. (kicks Semi-Perfect Cell in the face, sending him flying away)
JIMMY FIRECRACKER: Mr. Satan, hm, I'm gonna be straight with you. WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING?!
MR. SATAN: That camera's broken, right?
LARRY: FUBAR, sir.
MR. SATAN: I have no f***ing idea.
GOKU: Gohan! Do it now! End this!
GOHAN: Fine! Christ, if you want him to die so bad, kill him yourself. Pretty sure anyone with blonde hair over there could. (starts walking up to Semi-Perfect Cell)
SEMI-PERFECT CELL: (thinking) "Kill me"? Nooo, no, no, no, no, no. I can't die to this! He's a middle schooler throwing a tantrum! And I am the perfect being! ...I was. And he took it away. He took it away from me! (out loud) So I'll take everything away from you! (screams and begins to swell up like a balloon)
GOKU: Wait! I've seen this before. Krillin, if he turns blue, you gotta go sing a song!
KRILLIN: For the last time, I am not an Oompa Loompa!
JIMMY FIRECRACKER: He-Hey Larry! Look! It's your mother!
LARRY: She's diabetic, dude.
JIMMY FIRECRACKER: Yeah! 'Cuz she's fat!
LARRY: She lost a foot!
JIMMY FIRECRACKER: And now she's 50 pounds lighter!
GOHAN: So what was the plan here? Become so grotesque I wouldn't wanna touch you? Because I'll be honest...it's working.
SEMI-PERFECT CELL: (slightly slurred) Ohhhh, my dear boy. I think I finally realized what I inherited from you.
GOHAN: Not my BMI, obviously.
SEMI-PERFECT CELL: (slightly slurred) Heh heh! No, Gohan...! It was your explosive temper.
PICCOLO: Oh, no.
GOHAN: Oh, no!
SEMI-PERFECT CELL: (slightly slurred) Oh yeeeeeeeah! You see in less than a minute from now, I'm going to burst...and take you, and this whole wretched world with me!
GOHAN: So what you're saying is I have less than a minute to kill you.
SEMI-PERFECT CELL: (slightly slurred) Uh uh uh! Any attack could set me off! A punch, a kick, a wafer-thin mint!
(Gohan appears terrified at this revelation, realizing he has lost his chance to end Cell's terror and save Earth.)
So how about you savor the time you have left, before I go pop?! HOPE YOU ENJOYED THE CELL GAMES! BYE, EVERYBODY! GOOOOO F**K YOURSELVES!!
GOHAN: (falls down to his knees and expels his aura) I did exactly what my dad and Vegeta do...! WHAT IS THIS SHIT, GENETIC?! (He smashes the ground with his fists on the words "Shit" and "Genetic")
(Semi-Perfect Cell laughs insanely)
GOKU: (looks towards his friends and gives off a smile) Well... I guess I should go clean up my mess, huh?
PICCOLO: Goku?
GOKU: (places two of his fingers on his head) All of you... take it easy.
VEGETA: Wait--!
KRILLIN: Are you--? (Goku pops out) GOKUUUUUU!!!
(Goku pops in between Gohan and Semi-Perfect Cell)
GOHAN: Huh?!
SEMI-PERFECT CELL: (slightly slurred) Hurh?!
GOKU: Hey, son.
GOHAN: Dad? Wha... What are you--
GOKU: I-I'm sorry. Fighting is... Well, it makes me happy. And I just thought it would make you happy too. I want you to know, that that year we spent in the Time Chamber... was the best year of my life. Take care of your Mom.
GOHAN: Hold on! Are you--?!
GOKU: I'm proud of you, Gohan. Bye, son.
SEMI-PERFECT CELL: NONONONO-- (Goku bursts out with Semi-Perfect Cell)
GOHAN: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
(cut to King Kai on his planet)
KING KAI: (telepathically) Goku... For the sake of your friends, your family, your planet... you gave yourself. I'll see you soon... my friend.
GOKU: (bursts in with Semi-Perfect Cell) Hey, King Kai. What should I do with Cell?
(King Kai, Gregory, and Bubbles scream)
SEMI-PERFECT CELL: AAAAARRRRRR-PHT--!
(King Kai's planet explodes, which is seen throughout the cosmos.)
(cut back to the battlefield)
GOHAN: (breathes heavily as tears start flowing in his eyes) AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (his scream of agony echoes through the horizon, followed by crying.)
PICCOLO: Is it a bad time to point out Goku just stole that win?
GOHAN: Stupid, selfish, impulsive HYPOCRITE! (punches the ground) You had one job: get angry and KILL CELL!
(Krillin walks up to comfort him)
KRILLIN: Hey now, Gohan...
GOHAN: But no, you didn't just take a page from Vegeta! You wrote a SEQUEL to his FRICKING BOOK!
KRILLIN: Gohan, listen to me.
GOHAN: Chapter 1: "Kill Your Own Goddamn Dad!"
KRILLIN: GOHAN!
GOHAN: WHAT?!
KRILLIN: Dragon Balls.
GOHAN: …Oh.
KRILLIN: Yeah.
GOHAN: Huh. I mean, I still screwed up, though.
KRILLIN: And now, you're one of us! (helps Gohan get up)
JIMMY FIRECRACKER: Um... It seems that Cell has... disappeared? Along with the orange hillbilly? I... frankly, am lost for words.
LARRY: Either of you want some weed?
MR. SATAN & JIMMY FIRECRACKER: YES!
KRILLIN: Well... (picks up 18) Guess this gives a new meaning to picking up chicks.
VEGETA: What are you doing with that?
KRILLIN: I'm taking her to a... doctor? Mechanic? Oh, Bulma. I'm taking her to a Bulma.
VEGETA: You put that RealDoll down this instant.
KRILLIN: Yeah, how about no?
VEGETA: I can rip... you... in... half!
KRILLIN: I know you can.
VEGETA: …When did you get the balls?
KRILLIN: If I said it didn't have anything to do with holding a beautiful woman in my arms, I'd be a liar!
(a strong wind starts blowing up the area and causes everyone to look behind in shock)
"PERFECT" CELL: (singing)
♪"P" is for "Priceless", the look upon your faces♪
♪"E" is for "Extinction", all your puny races♪
♪"R" for "Revolution", which has been televised♪
♪"F" is for how "F**ked" you are, now allow me to repriiise...♪
("Perfect" Cell fires a Full Power Death Beam that blasts a hole through Trunks.)
TRUNKS: GAH!!
(Cut to the DragonBall Z Abridged Logo on a black background.)
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