[DISCLAIMER]
PERFECT CELL: Give money, receive Dragon Ball!
(Cut to Ginger Town where Imperfect Cell is singing "All Star by Smash Mouth)
IMPERFECT CELL: (singing) ♪Only shooting stars break the mo~old.♪
(Piccolo glares at Imperfect Cell furiously)
IMPERFECT CELL: Hey, da~ddy!
PICCOLO: Who are you?
(To Piccolo's horror, Imperfect Cell proceeds to vomit up an actual baby which cries)
IMPERFECT CELL: You're gonna help me raise this child!
PICCOLO: I'm not ready for that level of commitment!
IMPERFECT CELL: Fine! (absorbs the baby which screams)
PICCOLO: NOOO!!! MY BABY!!!
KAMI: (He's getting in your head! AND YOUR ARM!)
(Imperfect Cell proceeds to put Piccolo in a Full Nelson and drink up his arm)
PICCOLO: AAAAGH, MY ARM!!!
IMPERFECT CELL: Ooh, Daddy, it's so tight~!
PICCOLO: Why do you keep calling me that?!
IMPERFECT CELL: Because I'm NINE guys, Burgers and Fries!
KRILLIN: Piccolo, we're here to help- (camera cuts to Imperfect Cell and his crotch... with the Circle Game briefly involved) Oh my god! Is his mouth his dick?
IMPERFECT CELL'S CROTCH: SOLAR FLARE! (performs the Solar Flare, blinding Krillin, Future Trunks and Piccolo with an image of a mouth-blasting Freeza toy)
KRILLIN: AH! DICK IN MY EYES!
IMPERFECT CELL: BRB, gonna eat out mah siblings. (flies away)
(scene changes to inside Yamcha's ship)
PICCOLO: What should we do?
FUTURE TRUNKS: If only Goku were here.
(Goku Instant Transmissions in with a POP sound)
GOKU: (places his hand on Gohan's head) Plus Ultra! (Instant Transmissions away with Gohan in tow)
KRILLIN: Wonder where they're going?
(scene changes to Kami's Lookout with Mr. Popo opening the door to the the Hyperbolic Time Chamber)
MR. POPO: WELCOME TO THE ROOM OF INFINITE BULLSHIT!
VEGETA: F*ck's that mean?
GOKU: It means next year will be tomorrow.
VEGETA: NANI?!? (the door to the chamber shuts)
GOHAN: So what are we gonna do?
GOKU: I dunno. I usually don't get involved until things are at their worst.
GOHAN: (short pause) ...So, we're waiting for Vegeta-
GOKU: (at the same time as Gohan) We're waiting for Vegeta, yes.
(scene changes to Kame House)
TV TALK SHOW HOST: No, I don't think it's racist to call the king a son of a bitch.
ANDROID 17: (offsceen) Hey.
PICCOLO: HRMN?!
(camera cuts to the Androids outside standing next to a sign that says "No Solicitors")
ANDROID 17: Can Goku come out and die?
PICCOLO: THE SIGN SAYS NO SOLICITORS!
(cut to Piccolo and 17 repeatedly punching each other in the gut so hard, their back seems to billow out)
ANDROID 18: And suddenly we're in Looney Tunes.
ANDROID 16: I like the Road Runner.
IMPERFECT CELL: (appears nearby) And I like Pepe Le Pew!
PICCOLO: I'm a fan of Sam Sheepdog-- (gets punched by Imperfect Cell)
ANDROID 17: Cyborg Jesus, what is that thing?!
IMPERFECT CELL: I'm your onii-chan! (slams 17 onto the ground, with the word "POMF" appearing)
ANDROID 17: What are we going to do on the ground, onii-chan? (camera zooms in on the inside of Cell's tail as the Fairy Tail "Wow!" sound effect plays)
ANDROID 16: (as "Gallant Char" plays) GUNDAM SOUND EFFECT! (Rocket Punch launches off to the SFX of a beam rifle)
IMPERFERCT CELL: (gets punched) AH! F*ck! Do you MIND?!? I don't come to your work and knock your brother out of your HOLE.
ANDROID 17: Wait, you can't do this! We're related!
IMPERFECT CELL: Not by blood~.
ANDROID 17: Oh cool. That's fine then.
(Cell absorbs him, and it's shown off as a PornHub video titled "GUY TAKES ALL OF HIS STEP BROTHER IN HIS GAPING HOLE". On the topic of PornHub, the recommend videos are "'Hot Twunk Gets Fisted By Older Man" (Dr. Gero punching a hole in Yamcha's chest), "Hot Young Guy Splits F.A.G. in Half" (Future Trunks slicing Mecha-Freeza in half), "Teen Girl Gets Pussy Pounded" (Goku touching Bulma's panties as a kid to check for balls) and "Spying in Girl's Bathroom" (Master Roshi using a shrinking device to peep on Bulma in the bathroom))
(Imperfect Cell changes to his Semi-Perfect Cell)
SEMI-PERFECT CELL: And now I--!
TIEN: (offscreen) HEY, DICK LIPS!!!
(Semi-Perfect Cell looks up to see Tien. Health meters from Dragon Ball FighterZ appear.)
TIEN: This is the last cool thing I'll ever do. (puts his hand in a triangle for the Neo Tri-Beam) There is no joke.
SEMI-PERFECT CELL: Respecc-- (gets Kikoho'd) AW, BEANS!
TIEN: (uses all his meter on a raw level 3) HO! HO!! HO!!! (falls down, weary while Justin Briner shouts "DOWN!") Merry Christmas, mother f**ker...
SEMI-PERFECT CELL: (unfazed) And Happy Hanukkah to you. (prepares to kill him)
TIEN: Thanks.
(Goku arrives via Instant Transmission)
GOKU: Did someone say Christmas?!
TIEN: Now you show up...
SEMI-PERFECT CELL: Oh hey, Goku--
GOKU: You're gonna f(Dragon Radar beep)ing die. (Instant Transmissions away with Tien and Piccolo)
SEMI-PERFECT CELL: (surprised) Oh. ...Guess I'll just Perfect, then.
VEGETA: (flies up as Super Vegeta) Or maybe you will not!
SEMI-PERFECT CELL: Oh, hey, Vegeta.
VEGETA: I'm gonna do you a f*ck!
SEMI-PERFECT CELL: 'Scuse me?!
VEGETA: NEVER! (kicks Cell into the dirt) Look how yoke'd I am. (spits) Straight up cock diesel!
SEMI-PERFECT CELL: (face buried in dirt) Can I just absorb the androids?
VEGETA: No.
FUTURE TRUNKS: (relieved) Yes!
SEMI-PERFECT CELL: Pleeeease??
VEGETA: Yes!
FUTURE TRUNKS: (despairing) NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(camera cuts to 18 watching from behind a tree)
ANDROID 18: ...What are they talking about? (gets anticlimactically absorbed by Cell)
(Semi-Perfect Cell turns into Perfect Cell)
PERFECT CELL: I am perfect... and you will quote everything I say.
KRILLIN: YOU ATE MY GIRLFRI—! (gets bitchslapped) —oh...
VEGETA: Now you shall feel the wrath... of SUPER VEGE— (gets bitchslapped, cutting off "Saiyan Blood") —augh...
FUTURE TRUNKS: (as Ultra Trunks) I won't let you destroy ANOTHER FUTU— (gets bitchslapped, cutting off "The Lone Warrior") —aa...
PERFECT CELL: And now I'm gonna go throw a tournament. Later, breeders. (flies away)
KRILLIN: (holding up 16) We're friends now.
ANDROID 16: But I want to kill Goku.
KRILLIN: Most of my friends did.
(cut to Cell humming "Megalovania" from Undertale while carving... a giant stone Dickbutt)
PERFECT CELL: Mmm, this will age well.
(cut to Goku and Gohan walking out of the Time Chamber)
GOKU: Hey, guys, we're out of the chamber! Anything happen?
(camera zooms out to reveal the Lookout in flames and littered in debris)
GOKU: ...Vegeta. What'cha do?
VEGETA: (looking extremely guilty) Nothing...
GOKU: Vegeta, what did you do?
VEGETA: (petulantly) Nothing!
GOKU: What. Did. You. Do?!
VEGETA: I F*CKED YOUR MOM!!
GOKU: I don't have a mom!
VEGETA: (distraught) ...Neither do I.
(Vegeta starts crying manly tears with a Tears Of Grief playing in the background)
GOHAN: (walks up to Piccolo) Hey, Mr. Piccolo! I'm Super Saiyan!
PICCOLO: NO, YOU'RE ME! (clothes beams some demon wear onto Gohan who admires it while "Fashion Killa" by A$AP Rocky plays)
GOHAN: Cash.
FUTURE TRUNKS: By the way, we don't have Dragon Balls anymore, so-
GOKU: But then what are we in?! (POP, brings back Dende) Goku fix.
DENDE: Okay so I'm God now?
MR. POPO: Bet.
DENDE: Sick.
GOKU: Tournament time!
(cut to the Cell Games with Alucard from "Hellsing" making a cameo)
ALUCARD: Hey, we still doing those Vs. videos?
PERFECT CELL: Nope.
ALUCARD: Eh, no worries. (teleports out)
GOKU: I like that guy's coat.
PERFECT CELL: Welcome to the Cell Games, everybody. Here are the brackets.
(Perfect Cell shows that the entire Cell Games bracket (sponsored by Hetap) is solely one match between Goku and Cell)
FUTURE TRUNKS: Wait, how is that a tournament?
PERFECT CELL: Hey, don't hate the Cell Playa... hate the Cell Games.
MR. SATAN: What about-
GOKU & PERFECT CELL: SHUT THE F(Dragon Radar beep)K UP!!!
MR. SATAN: Eh, they didn't really change my character anyway.
GOKU: Alright, let's go, Cell!
PERFECT CELL: With pleasure! (charges at Goku and punches him in the face)
GOKU: AUGH! Ow! I quit! Gohan, get 'em!
GOHAN: What!?!
PERFECT CELL: NANI!?!
GOKU: In a year.
(episode seemingly ends with a "TO BE CONTINUED" sign)
GOHAN: NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (breaks the sign and goes Super Saiyan 2, with a hip-hop remix of "Day of Fate" by Rifit Beats playing in the background)
PERFECT CELL: Wait, did we just skip my childre- (gets bitch-slapped back to his Semi-Perfect Form with a Mario power-down sound effect) -ah...
GOHAN: Get lost ya dingus.
SEMI-PERFECT CELL: I'm no dingus... YOU'RE A DINGUS!!! (inflates to "Big And Chunky" by will.i.am)
GOHAN: Oh god, I killed us all!
GOKU: No, Gohan... just me. (pops himself and Cell away with a dramatic balloon burst sound)
GOHAN: NOOO!
SUPER PERFECT CELL: JK, not dead, LOL.
FUTURE TRUNKS: NOOOOOO- (gets shot through the chest by a Full Power Death Beam from Super Perfect Cell) AUGH! (falls to the ground, dead)
SUPER PERFECT CELL: NO! Enough of that! Now listen up! Y'all be skipping my best shit since I got here. Ranked me as fourth-best villain under (mockingly) King Piccolo?! (normally) I'm Perfect Cell, motherf*ckers! So, Dende on f*cking Earth, you better recognize the crackle of my raw, SSSSEXUAL energy and line your 1990s asses up so I can--!
GOHAN: HAAAAAA!!! (fires the Father-Son Kamehameha)
SUPER PERFECT CELL: (sings "My Way" by Limp Bizkit in his thoughts as he's being disintegrated)
♪This time I'm 'a let it all come out♪
♪This time I'm 'a stand up and shout♪
♪I'm 'a do things my way♪
♪It's my way♪
♪My way, or the highwaaaaaay!♪
♪CHYEAH!♪
(Gohan drops to the ground in his base form)
KRILLIN: Gohan beat Cell!!!
PICCOLO: But at what cost?
(Shenron is summoned)
PICCOLO: Oh right, no cost. Hooray!
SHENRON: New balls, who dis?
YAMCHA: Bring back the deads!
SHENRON: (eyes glow) Done.
KRILLIN: Give me a girlfriend!
SHENRON: (eyes glow) Done.
GOKU: I'm gonna stay dead.
SHENRON: (eyes glow) Done.
GOHAN: What!?!
GOKU: (as his ghost fades into the distance) You're Goku now!
(Goku pops back into frame)
GOKU: I-I meant, for now.
[KAI ENDING SEQUENCE]
GOKU: Dragon Soul!
[STINGER]
(cut to the Lookout with the Dragon Balls scattering)
GOHAN: Wow! I wonder what's next for me...
(Piccolo put his hand on his head and smiles; long pause)
PICCOLO: (smile changes to a frown) You peaked.
GOHAN: What?
PICCOLO: You peaked.
GOHAN: You're kidding! After all that!?
PICCOLO: Yeah, sorry.
GOHAN: But... B-But I get stronger though, right!?
PICCOLO: Yeah, but... no.
GOHAN: ...oh.
(everyone looks down in silence... until 16 walks into the frame and looks at the camera)
ANDROID 16: By the way, I never died in this version. (walks away)
| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||