(Ash Ketchum, Pikachu, Misty, and Brock wander aimlessly towards the Cell Games arena where Cell is waiting)
NARRATOR: We join Ash Ketchum, along with his companions, Misty and Brock, on their journey to the Pokémon League.
MISTY: I feel like we're lost... like usual.
BROCK: Hey, I'm not the one who lost the map. Sure would be nice if we had some kind of mobile device that could tell us where we are.
PIKACHU: Pi...
ASH: Nope! Just this mobile device that tells us what Pokémon are! Which is really more important.
PIKACHU: Pika!
(They notice Cell)
MISTY: Hey, look over there! Is that a man?
ASH: Wow! He sure is tall.
BROCK: Guys, that definitely doesn't look like a human. I think that might be a Pokémon!
PIKACHU: Pikachu!
ASH: Oh, wow! Time to use my trusty Pokédex!
(The Pokédex shows a picture of Missingno.)
POKéDEX: Data not found.
ASH: Huh?
MISTY: And technology has failed us.
CELL: Excuse me! Children, over there!
ASH: It can talk!?
MISTY: Just like Meowth!
CELL: Are you here for the tournament? Because people keep showing up early to fight me, and honestly, it's really starting to get old. I mean, I set a date. Least people could do is wait for it.
ASH: You guys, I'm gonna battle it!
CELL: Oh, well, I guess that answers that question.
ASH: Let's see... I can't tell what type it is, so let's try... Squirtle, Go!
(Ash sends out Squirtle)
SQUIRTLE: Squirtle!
CELL: Wait, so YOU'RE not going to fight me?
ASH: Of course not! This is a Pokémon battle! Pokémon vs. Pokémon!
CELL: Okay, you're saying that word, but I don't know what-
ASH: Squirtle, he's distracted! Use Water Gun!
SQUIRTLE: Squirtle, Squirt!
(Squirtle shoots water from its mouth. It drenches Cell)
CELL: Well, today has been rather muggy, so... thanks?
ASH: Oh, no! It didn't have any effect!
CELL: So, do I just... I'm just going to attack back. Is that okay?
ASH: Squirtle, use Skull Ba-!
CELL: Ha!
SQUIRTLE: SQUIRT!
(Cell fires a blast at Squirtle)
ASH: That was Solar Beam!
CELL: Did you say Solar Flare? Because that's a toooootally dif-
(Ash recalls Squirtle)
ASH: No wonder water didn't work on him! He's a GRASS-type Pokémon.
CELL: Alright, this seems a lot like that card game that boy with the leather pant played with me. Is this Duel Monsters? 'Cause it feels like Duel Monsters.
ASH: Charizard, Go!
(Charizard enters the battle)
CELL: Woah, is that a friggin' dragon!? 'Cause I'm gonna be honest, THAT'S pretty metal!
BROCK: Actually, it's neither a Steel-type, NOR a Dragon-type!
(Cell looks angry at this news)
ASH: Charizard! Use Flamethrower!
CHARIZARD: (roars)
(Cell is covered in flames. The flames disappear to show Cell completely unaffected)
CELL: Well, now I'm dry so, good job. You managed to give me a steam bath.
ASH: Fire wasn't effective, either. Man, nothing I do is fazing it!
CELL: The name's Cell, by the way. Could have at least asked before you started throwing critters at me.
ASH: You're pretty strong. But Pikachu and I have fought more battles than I can count!
PIKACHU: Pii...
CELL: Not a high number, I'm sure.
ASH: And if there's anyone that can beat you, it's him. Go Pika-!
(The Team Rocket balloon approaches the arena)
JESSIE: Not so fast, twerps!
JAMES: We're here, we're queer, get used to it!
JESSIE: Wrong time, wrong place, James...
JAMES: Sorry, Jessie, sorry! Let's just... start the thing.
JESSIE: Prepare for trouble!
JAMES: And make it double!
JESSIE: To protect the world from devestation!
JAMES: To unite all peoples within our nation!
CELL: (over Team Rocket's speech) Okay, what the f*ck is this fever dream!?
JESSIE: To denounce the evils of truth and love!
ASH: Those guys are here to steal my Pikachu!
JAMES: To extend our reach to the stars above!
CELL: Okay, so you know these guys.
ASH: Yeah! They're-
JESSIE: Jessie!
JAMES: James!
JESSIE: Team Rocket blas-!
(The Team Rocket balloon is hit by a ki blast from Cell. Jessie, James, and Meowth all scream as the balloon goes hurtling away)
CELL: Dicks out for those guys, amirite?
BROCK: ...Are they gonna be okay?
MISTY: Do you honestly care?
BROCK: ...No. I actually don't.
ASH: Alright, then. Back to the Pokémon battle! Pikachu! I choose-!
CELL: Okay, all right, real talk? I'm not a Pokémon, okay? I don't even know what they are, like, wha- what IS a Pokémon?
ASH: It's a ... "Pocket Monster".
CELL: Are they in your pocket?
ASH: No. They're on my belt. In Pokéballs.
CELL: Then they're not Pocket Monsters! They're... Belt Monsters. Ball Monsters. No, no, no, they're CAPSULE Monsters! And you DUEL with them. So, they're goddamned DUEL Monsters!
ASH: Th-then, you're not a Poké-?
CELL: No, I am not a goddamn Pokémon! Now get out of here, before I murder you and you little yellow rat! Also, the guy who keeps squinting at me and your ginger girlfriend! Sh-sh-shoo. Sh-sh-shoo.
ASH: Come on, Pikachu. Let's go find us a Pokémon Center.
PIKACHU: Pika!
(They leave)
CELL: Oh, my God, this is the longest seven days I've ever waited in my life. I should've scheduled it for a Wednesday. Kill everyone on Hump Day! Insult to injury, th-
(Mewtwo flies past)
CELL: ...is that f*cking Freeza?
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