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(Ash Ketchum, Pikachu, Misty, and Brock wander aimlessly towards the Cell Games arena where Cell is waiting)

NARRATOR: We join Ash Ketchum, along with his companions, Misty and Brock, on their journey to the Pokémon League.

MISTY: I feel like we're lost... like usual.

BROCK: Hey, I'm not the one who lost the map. Sure would be nice if we had some kind of mobile device that could tell us where we are.

PIKACHU: Pi...

ASH: Nope! Just this mobile device that tells us what Pokémon are! Which is really more important.

PIKACHU: Pika!

(They notice Cell)

MISTY: Hey, look over there! Is that a man?

ASH: Wow! He sure is tall.

BROCK: Guys, that definitely doesn't look like a human. I think that might be a Pokémon!

PIKACHU: Pikachu!

ASH: Oh wow! Time to use my trusty Pokédex!

(The Pokédex shows a picture of Missingno.)

POKéDEX: Data not found.

ASH: Huh?

MISTY: And technology has failed us.

CELL: Excuse me! Children, over there!

ASH: It can talk!?

MISTY: Just like Meowth!

CELL: Are you here for the tournament? Because people keep showing up early to fight me, and honestly, it's really starting to get old. I mean, I set a date. Least people could do is wait for it.

ASH: You guys, I'm gonna battle it!

CELL: Oh, well, I guess that answers that question.

ASH: Let's see... I can't tell what type it is, so let's try... Squirtle, Go!

(Ash sends out Squirtle)

SQUIRTLE: Squirtle!

CELL: Wait, so you're not going to fight me?

ASH: Of course not! This is a Pokémon battle! Pokémon vs. Pokémon!

CELL: Okay, you're saying that word, but I don't know what-

ASH: Squirtle, he's distracted! Use Water Gun!

SQUIRTLE: Squirtle! Squirt!

(Squirtle shoots water from its mouth. It drenches Cell)

CELL: Well, today has been rather muggy, so... thanks?

ASH: Oh no! It didn't have any effect!

CELL: So, do I just... I'm just going to attack back. Is that okay?

ASH: Squirtle, use Skull Ba-!

CELL: Ha!

SQUIRTLE: SQUIRT!

(Cell fires a blast at Squirtle)

ASH: That was Solar Beam!

CELL: Did you say Solar Flare? Because that's a toooootally dif-

(Ash recalls Squirtle)

ASH: No wonder water didn't work on him! He's a Grass-type Pokémon.

CELL: Alright, this seems a lot like that card game that boy with the leather pant played with me. Is this Duel Monsters? 'Cause it feels like Duel Monsters.

ASH: Charizard, Go!

(Charizard enters the battle)

CELL: Woah, is that a friggin' dragon!? 'Cause I'm gonna be honest, that's pretty metal!

BROCK: Actually, it's neither a Steel-type, nor a Dragon-type!

(Cell looks angry at this news)

ASH: Charizard! Use Flamethrower!

CHARIZARD: (roars)

(Cell is covered in flames. The flames disappear to show Cell completely unaffected)

CELL: Well, now I'm dry so, good job. You managed to give me a steam bath.

ASH: Fire wasn't effective, either. Man, nothing I do is fazing it!

CELL: The name's Cell, by the way. Could have at least asked before you started throwing critters at me.

ASH: You're pretty strong. But Pikachu and I have fought more battles than I can count!

PIKACHU: Pii

CELL: Not a high number, I'm sure.

ASH: And if there's anyone that can beat you, it's him. Go Pika-!

(The Team Rocket balloon approaches the arena)

JESSIE: Not so fast, twerps!

JAMES: We're here, we're queer, get used to it!

JESSIE: Wrong time, wrong place, James...

JAMES: Sorry, Jessie, sorry! Let's just... start the thing.

JESSIE: Prepare for trouble!

JAMES: And make it double!

JESSIE: To protect the world from devestation!

JAMES: To unite all peoples within our nation!

CELL: (over Team Rocket's speech) Okay, what the f*ck is this fever dream!?

JESSIE: To denounce the evils of truth and love!

ASH: Those guys are here to steal my Pikachu!

JAMES: To extend our reach to the stars above!

CELL: Okay, so you know these guys.

ASH: Yeah! They're-

JESSIE: Jessie!

JAMES: James!

JESSIE: Team Rocket blas-!

(The Team Rocket balloon is hit by a ki blast from Cell. Jessie, James, and Meowth all scream as the balloon goes hurtling away)

CELL: Dicks out for those guys, amirite?

BROCK: ...Are they gonna be okay?

MISTY: Do you honestly care?

BROCK: ...No. I actually don't.

ASH: Alright, then. Back to the Pokémon battle! Pikachu! I choose-!

CELL: Okay, all right, real talk? I'm not a Pokémon, okay? I don't even know what they are, like, wha- what is a Pokémon?

ASH: It's a ... "Pocket Monster".

CELL: Are they in your pocket?

ASH: No. They're on my belt. In Pokéballs.

CELL: Then they're not Pocket Monsters! They're... Belt Monsters. Ball Monsters. No, no, no, they're Capsule Monsters! And you duel with them. So, they're goddamned Duel Monsters!

ASH: Th-then, you're not a Poké-?

CELL: No, I am not a goddamn Pokémon! Now get out of here, before I murder you and your little yellow rat! Also, the guy who keeps squinting at me and your ginger girlfriend! Sh-sh-shoo. Sh-sh-shoo.

ASH: Come on, Pikachu. Let's go find us a Pokémon Center.

PIKACHU: Pika!

(They leave)

CELL: Oh my god, this is the longest seven days I've ever waited in my life. I should've scheduled it for a Wednesday. Kill everyone on Hump Day! Insult to injury, th-

(Mewtwo flies past)

CELL: ...is that f*cking Freeza?

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