(Scene opens in the Check-In Station where King Yemma is checking in Perfect Cell)
KING YEMMA: So, do you just not wear clothes or...
CELL: Pfft, and cover up all this? (motions to his body)
KING YEMMA: Fair enough. Makes my job quicker.
CELL: First 'quick' thing since I got here. You know I was in line for a year, right?
KING YEMMA: Yeah-huh, it says here your name's Cell and you're, uh... (clicks tongue)... six?
CELL: Yeah, I'm an early bloomer.
KING YEMMA: And you died from an energy blast from an... eleven-year-old?
CELL: Not my fault fights on the playground get so violent nowadays.
KING YEMMA: Right, right, well, let's take a look at your sins and... Oh... Ohh... Aw, jeez... and this is just your... first form?
CELL: (chuckles) What can I say? I'm a thirsty bitch.
KING YEMMA: Yep, this is a code orange.
(King Yemma hits a button on his desk causing lights to flash over Cell and an alarm to sound)
CELL: Umm... what?
KING YEMMA: Janine, call Goz and Mez. And Mr. Cell? Enjoy the barbecue in Hell.
CELL: Excuse me?
(A trap door opens underneath Cell and he falls through it)
CELL: AAAAAHHH!!!
(Cut to black, then to Cell waking up blurry-eyed to Goz standing over him)
GOZ: Oh, Mez, he's coming to.
MEZ: Oh, good, good, he's been out for 24 hours.
GOZ: That'd be bad if he veren't already dead.
CELL: What the? Where am I? Who are you? And why are you German?
MEZ: Velcome, Herr Cell, TO HFIL!
(Opening sequence, HFIL logo, "La, la, la, la, la, la. Home For Infinite Losers")
CELL: This is a cul-de-sac!
GOZ: This is our super special place for guys like you.
MEZ: Oh, ja, most people when they go to Hell go through the soul-scrubber.
GOZ: But most of them only have like a power level of 10 or 15.
MEZ: But some of you have, like, a billion. Ja, zat's, zat's a problem.
GOZ: Ja, ve had to make zis place vhen zat Radish guy broke our machine... and ruined our water feature.
MEZ: It was mostly his hair, but it was also his power level.
GOZ: No, ze power level made ze hair worse.
CELL: Okay, okay, I'm sorry. What the hell is HFIL?
GOZ: Ze Home For Infinite Losers! You'll be spending your time here rehabilitating yourself with the rest of the villains like you.
MEZ: Oh, pumpkin, ve don't vant to use ze 'v' word. It implies it's forever.
GOZ: Oh, right, I meant 'morally-compromised malefactors'.
CELL: Argh, O-okay. Cool. You two are charming brothers or lovers or both, I don't judge, but I want you to both know that before I kill you, I will always remember how unconvincing your German accents were.
(Cell charges up a Ki blast but it turns to nothing with a fart sound)
CELL: Oh no.
(Goz hits Cell over the head with his club)
GOZ: Uh-uh-uh. You see, vhile you're in HFIL, you have to use this little ankle bracelet so you can't use your ki.
MEZ: Again, way too much ki.
GOZ: A billion kis.
CELL: (concussed) I miss my mommy, she was a computer, sh-she went beep.
MEZ: Alright Goz, I think it's party time!
CELL: (concussed) But mommy, it's not my birthday-
(Goz picks Cell up)
CELL: And you're carrying me.
(They go into the backyard)
GOZ: Say hello to your new neighbours!
(The Ginyu Force is playing beer pong with Shasta. Recoome is holding Guldo up, who misses a shot.)
GULDO: Oh, God damn it!
RECOOME: Recoome wonders why we're doing this with Shasta.
JEICE: Because the blooming c*nts running this place won't give us beer.
BURTER: I prefer Sprite.
JEICE: And I prefer beer!
GOZ: Those are the Ginyus.
MEZ: Ach. Zey're my favorites.
GOZ: Zey're really about ze rehab. They took to synchronized dance like the internet took to Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen vhen zey turned 18.
CELL: Sooo, they'd been doing it for years?
MEZ: To a problematic degree. And over here is our oldest resident, Raditz.
RADITZ: Hey.
GOZ: Tell us, Raditz, how long have you been with us?
RADITZ: (sigh) My entire death.
MEZ: Ha! Zat joke gets funnier every time.
CELL: Raditz... Raaaadiiiiitz...
(Raditz looks very uncomfortable)
CELL: That name... Rings zero bells.
RADITZ: Phew. Well, nice to meet ya, (Cell walks off) Yeah, okay.
GOZ: Over zere ve have Zarbon und Dodoria. Zey're our favorite plutonic power couple. Dodoria, zis is your new neighbor, Cell.
DODORIA: Well, ain't you a tall glass of Saint Patrick's Day beer?
CELL: And ain't you just a queen doing your thing?
DODORIA: Damn right.
MEZ: Und zis is Zarbon.
ZARBON: Mmmm.
CELL: Mmmm.
(Zarbon and Cell continue to moan seductively while staring at each other)
CELL: Oho, WOW, that was wild. What was that abou- (Notices Freeza talking to Raditz) Wait... is that?
(Lights begin flashing and music similar to The Macarena plays, distracting Cell)
MEZ: Attention everyooooooooone! Ze Ginyu Force would like to welcome zeir new neighbor, Cell.
CELL: That's MISTER Perfect C-
MEZ: Und to celebrate ze occasion, zey're going to perform zeir favorite dance: The Twerkarena.
(Cell looks on horrified as Recoome, Jeice, and Burter all twerk while Guldo does The Macarena)
CELL: No. No, no. No, nononononononono!
(Cell runs away. Cut to outside where Cell is bashing a rock against his ankle bracelet)
CELL: God! Damn! Son of a! Bitch!
FREEZA: That's not going to work.
CELL: Okay, Freeza. Last time I checked, I'm a wee bit stronger than you. Alright? Alright. (Back to bashing the rock against the ankle bracelet) God damn son of a bitch!
FREEZA: Listen, Bell.
CELL: It's Cell and you know that.
FREEZA: A rock was the second thing I tried to smash it with. The first was those ogres' heads.
CELL: Oh, God, what is up with those guys? What's-what's the joke? That they're German? Is that it?
FREEZA: You know, oddly it grows on you.
CELL: I don't believe you.
FREEZA: And I was lying.
CELL: (chuckles) So you're saying this is it? Hell is literally other people, and-ARE THEY STILL TWERKING?!
FREEZA: Yes, you should see them practice. It's terrifying. Ugh. Word of advice: you want out of here? Play nice, work off your time, and convince them you're not a total piece of shit.
CELL: Oh really? If it's that easy, why the here are you still here?
FREEZA: Oh, you see, Perfect Cell, it's because... (strangles Cell with his tail) I know who I f**king am. I'm a child-killing, people-enslaving galactic tyrant. And I'd rather die a million more times before I ever pretend otherwise.
CELL: (strained) Y-you've awakened something, I think.
(Freeza tightens his tail, snapping Cell's neck. Cut to Cell's POV which is white until Freeza appears above him)
FREEZA: Welcome to the Home For Infinite Losers, loser.
(Fade to black)
CELL: W-where? W-wha? Was I asleep? (sighs) Then it was all just a-
GOZ & MEZ: Hellooooooo!
CELL: F*ck!
GOZ: Freeza told us you were taking a nap, so ve let you sleep.
MEZ: You missed the rest of ze party, zough.
GOZ: Und now, zey've moved onto ze afterparty.
(The Ginyu Force continue to twerk to a new song)
CELL: I would like to go home now.
MEZ: Good. Because you're here!
CELL: Oh. Goodie.
GOZ: Here's your housekey.
MEZ: Since you can't use your ki.
GOZ: Hohohohohohohoho! That gets me every time!
MEZ: Enjoy your stay, Herr Perfect Cell!
GOZ: Ve'll see you in ze morning... at ze sharing circlllllllleeeeeeee!
(Cell shivers in disgust. He goes to unlock his door but Raditz opens it from the inside)
RADITZ: Hey.
CELL: Wait, I thought this was my house.
RADITZ: It is. I'm your housemate.
CELL: No.
RADITZ: Yep. And say hello to our other housemate.
(Raditz presses a button on a remote opening the garage to reveal Super Kami Guru)
GURU: Hello other new Naaaaaaaiiiillll!
CELL: Kill me.
RADITZ: Way past that, buddy.
GURU: You've got bottom bunk!
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