(Scene opens in the Check-In Station where King Yemma is checking in Cell)
KING YEMMA: So, do you just not wear clothes or...
CELL: Pfft, hey, cover up all this. (motions to his body)
KING YEMMA: Fair enough. Makes my job quicker.
CELL: First 'quick' thing since I got here. You know I was in line for a year, right?
KING YEMMA: Yeah-huh, it says here your name's Cell and you're, uh... (clicks tongue)... six?
CELL: Yeah, I'm an early bloomer.
KING YEMMA: And you died from an energy blast from an... eleven-year-old?
CELL: Not my fault fights on the playground get so violent nowadays.
KING YEMMA: Right, right, well, let's take a look at your sins and... Oh... Ohh... Aw, jeez... and this is just your... first form?
CELL: (chuckles) What can I say? I'm a thirsty bitch.
KING YEMMA: Yep, this is a code orange.
(King Yemma hits a button on his desk causing lights to flash over Cell and an alarm to sound)
CELL: Umm... what?
KING YEMMA: Denise, contact Goz and Mez. And Mr. Cell? Enjoy the barbecue in Hell.
CELL: Excuse me?
(A trap door opens underneath Cell and he falls through it)
CELL: AAAAAHHH!!!
(Cut to black, then to Cell waking up blurry-eyed to Goz standing over him)
GOZ: Oh, Mez, he's coming to.
MEZ: Oh, good, good, he's been out for 24 hours.
GOZ: That'd be bad if he veren't already dead.
CELL: What the? Where am I? Who are you? And why are you German?
MEZ: Velcome, Herr Cell, TO HFIL!
(Opening sequence, HFIL logo, "La, la, la, la, la, la. Home For Infinite Losers")
CELL: This is a cul-de-sac!
GOZ: This is our super special place for guys like you.
MEZ: Oh, ja, most people when they go to Hell go through the soul-scrubber.
GOZ: But most of them only have like a power level of 10 or 15.
MEZ: But some of you have, like, a billion. Ja, zat's, zat's a problem.
GOZ: Ja, ve had to make zis place vhen zat Radish guy broke our machine... and ruined our water feature.
MEZ: It was mostly his hair, but it was also his power level.
GOZ: Ja, ze power level made ze hair worse.
CELL: Okay, okay, I'm sorry. What the hell is HFIL?
GOZ: Ze Home For Infinite Losers! You'll be spending your time here rehabilitating yourself with the rest of the villains like you.
MEZ: Oh, again, ve don't vant to use ze 'v' word. It implies it's forever.
GOZ: Oh, right, I meant 'morally-compromised malefactors'.
CELL: Argh, O-okay. Cool. You two are charming brothers or lovers or both, I don't judge, but I want you to both know that before I kill you, I will always remember how unconvincing your German accents were.
(Cell charges up a Ki blast but it turns to nothing with a fart sound)
CELL: Oh no.
(Goz hits Cell over the head with his club)
GOZ: Uh-uh-uh. You see, vhile you're in HFIL, you have to use this little ankle bracelet so you can't use your ki.
MEZ: Again, way too much ki.
GOZ: A billion kis.
CELL: (concussed) I miss my mommy, she was a computer, sh-she went beep.
MEZ: Alright Goz, I think it's party time!
CELL: (concussed) But mommy, it's not my birthday-
(Goz picks Cell up)
CELL: And you're carrying me.
(They go into the backyard)
GOZ: Say hello to your new neighbours!
(The Ginyu Force is playing beer pong with Shasta. Recoome is holding Guldo up, who misses a shot.)
GULDO: Oh, God damn it!
RECOOME: Recoome wonders why we're doing this with Shasta.
JEICE: Because the blooming c**ts running this place won't give us beer.
BURTER: I prefer Sprite.
JEICE: And I prefer beer!
GOZ: Those are the Ginyus.
MEZ: Ach. Zey're my favorites.
GOZ: Zey're really about ze rehab. They took to synchronized dance like the internet took to Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen vhen zey turned 18.
CELL: Sooo, they'd been doing it for years?
MEZ: To a problematic degree. And over here is our oldest resident, Raditz.
RADITZ: Hey.
GOZ: Tell us, Raditz, how long have you been with us?
RADITZ: (sigh) My entire death.