(An external shot of Freeza's house. Cell and Raditz are looking at it)
CELL: His dad?
RADITZ: Yeah, apparently Guru saw him coming in this morning.
CELL: Aaand what is his name?
RADITZ: King Cold.
CELL: Right, I forgot they've got that whole silly naming convention.
RADITZ: Okay, Cell.
CELL: Okay, Radish.
RADITZ: Yeah, I didn't choose my name, pal.
CELL: So, why is he here? Or rather, where's he been?
RADITZ: (sigh) Follow me.
(Cut to Raditz's bedroom. He opens a curtain revealing a big corkboard with red string connecting all the residents of HFIL, as well as King Cold and King Yemma)
RADITZ: This is the board. I use it to keep track of the social ladder down here. As the bottom rung it's... useful.
CELL: Wait, is this your room?
RADITZ: Yeah.
CELL: Why's it nicer than mine?
RADITZ: Because I've been here longer.
CELL: Can we trade?
RADITZ: Can we focus!?
CELL: Hmm.
RADITZ: So, about two years ago, King Cold graduated. Now, he wasn't the first to graduate, but he was the first to be offered a job.
CELL: A what!?
RADITZ: Because of his above average improvement, they made him a part of "management". Now he's the official Honorable Atonement Director and Enrichment Specialist.
CELL: And that acronym is more tortured than we are. So, what's brought him back to the cul-de-sac?
(Cut to inside Freeza's house. King Cold is sat at the table drinking coffee, Goz and Mez are nearby, Freeza is flanked by Zarbon and Dodoria)
KING COLD: I'm actually here on some business with Gozu and Mezu. I'll be in town for a couple of days.
FREEZA: Well, goodness, father. What a... devastatingly good surprise.
KING COLD: Oh, come now, call me daddy.
ZARBON: (saluting) Yes, daddy.
KING COLD: Thank you, Zarbon.
ZARBON: Mmm.
FREEZA: Will you be staying here for your, uh, business trip?
KING COLD: No, no, I'll be staying with the ogres.
MEZ: Oh, goody.
GOZ: Could've used a bit more varning.
KING COLD: Oh, again, I am terribly sorry. My initial email must have gone to spam.
MEZ: Ve checked, it didn't.
KING COLD: Zarbon, Dodoria, come carry my things.
ZARBON & DODORIA: Yes, daddy.
KING COLD: I hope you boys are okay with casual nudity?
MEZ: Nein!
GOZ: Ja.
(Mez looks at Goz)
GOZ: Oh you can't say you're not curious.
(HFIL Intro)
(cut to the gymnasium where a large wall has been erected. Across from the wall stand Goz and King Cold. In front of the wall, from left to right is Super Kami Guru, Dodoria, Zarbon, Freeza, Cell, Raditz, Burter, Guldo, Jeice, and Recoome)
GOZ: Zis is ze vall! Today, you vill be tasked vith climbing over it. To do so, you shall build ze human ladder.
JEICE: F**k's a human?
RADITZ: Okay, so the biggest person should probably be on the bottom. If anyone wants to go grab the forklift and get Guru here we can-
FREEZA: PILE ON THE MONKEY!
RADITZ: Wait, WAITWAITWAIT!
(The whole Ginyu Force jumps on top of Raditz. Cut to a shot of King Cold and Goz watching)
KING COLD: Are you going to step in?
GOZ: Nein, nein, ve encourage ze hierarchy to develop organically.
KING COLD: And this has been... productive?
GOZ: Ve believe ze results speak for zemselves.
KING COLD: They certainly do.
(Cut back to a shot of everybody on top of Raditz. Cell is stood next to the pile)
CELL: Geez, when you said you were the bottom rung, I didn't realize you'd meant it so literally.
RADITZ: I... can't... BREATHE!
CELL: Yeah, that's probably because of all the people on top of you which, again, keep it up, buddy, you're doing great. (starts climbing) Excuse me. Excuse me. 'Scue me. Yep, yep, yep, yep.
(Cell starts humming. Just as he is about to climb over Dodoria to reach the top, Freeza jumps on Cell's head and onto the wall)
CELL: Oh, for the love of-
FREEZA: Ha! I win.
GOZ: It vasn't un competition.
FREEZA: You're right. Because there wasn't any.
(Freeza cackles while King Cold looks at his princess disapprovingly)
(Cut to another shot in the gymnasium where Mez has set up an art studio)
MEZ: Alright, MCMs! Today you are going to express your deepest regrets. Using macaroni!
KING COLD: It was supposed to be macramé.
MEZ: Is zis not ze same thing?
(Guru stuff a bunch of macaroni into his mouth and spits it onto the canvas. It lands in the shape of Nail)
GURU: Nailed it.
CELL: Hm. Perfect.
MEZ: Alright, Cell, show me your greatest regre- Huh. And zis is?
CELL: Me choking the life out of Tenshinhan.
MEZ: Und how is zat your greatest regret?
CELL: I never got to choke the life out of Tenshinhan.
MEZ: I see. And, uh, what does this third eye represent?
CELL: I don't know, it's just a f**king third eye.
MEZ: Ah.
KING COLD: Oh, you're just a little penne Picasso, princess.
FREEZA: Daddy, I'm trying to focus on my opus.
(Freeza's art is revealed to be him choking Super Saiyan Goku)
KING COLD: You know, he's not even the Saiyan that killed you.
FREEZA: Daddy! What have I told you about talking about that in front of the others?
RECOOME: Recoome has finished his masterpiece!
(Recoome holds his art up towards the others. Most of them react in disgust)
MEZ: Mein Gott!
KING COLD: Good Lord!
ZARBON: Oh my!
JEICE: Crikey!
DODORIA: Nice.
BURTER: So that's why I couldn't find any rigatoni.
GULDO: IS THAT MY WIFE!?
(Cut to the middle of the cul-de-sac where Goz and Mez have set up a high-dive board over the open road)
GOZ: Zese trust falls are meant to help you regain trust in other people.
MEZ: Because without trust, ve cannot work togezer. Burter, Guldo, you're up first.
BURTER: (On top of the board) Don't worry, Guldo! I trust you!
GULDO: WHY!? (Burter falls down) Oh gosh.
(Before the impact we cut to a shot of King Cold as Cell approaches him)
CELL: So, Kign Cold, you're like... what? Regional manager?
KING COLD: Something like that. Cell was it?
CELL: Still is.
GOZ: (in the distance) Cell?
KING COLD: I'm in a more... supervisorial position.
GOZ: (in the distance) Cell!?
KING COLD: I oversee all of the HFILs.
GOZ: (in the distance) CELL!?
CELL: I'm jus-I'm sorry, HFILs?
GOZ: CELL! I said you're up!
(Cell climbs to the top of the board only to realize Freeza has been charged with catching him)
CELL: You did this on purpose.
GOZ: It vasn't an accideeeeeent
FREEZA: (mockingly) Come on, Cell, where's the trust?
CELL: (sigh) At least I know the fall can't kill me.
GOZ: Now fetch ze spike strip!
CELL: Are you f**king kidding me!?
GOZ: Hahaha! Of course ve are! (Mez returns with a spike strip and Goz signals to put it away) Of course ve are.
(Cell sighs and falls off the board. It cuts to black but the sound of Cell be caught is heard. When Cell opens his eyes we see that the person who caught him was King Cold)
CELL: Wh-? The f**k?
FREEZA: Daddy! You ruined it!
KING COLD: You didn't even have your arms up, Freeza.
FREEZA: Yes, he would have hit the ground, everyone would have laughed, good time for all! Well, except him but, you know.
KING COLD: What I know is that if you ever want to get out of here, you need to be better, princes.. (Cell chuckles) You shush.
CELL: Yes, daddy.
FREEZA: You- d- Argh! Whatever! I'm going back to my home.
KING COLD: Oh for goodness sake. (puts Cell down) Come back, Freeza.
FREEZA: No, Leave me alone.
KING COLD: I just want to talk to you, this doesn't have to be a fight.
FREEZA: You're the one who made it a fight, daddy!
CELL: Hm. Suddenly glad I don't have a father.
GOZ: Uuund, go!
CELL: Go where?
RECOOME: Recoome Trust!
(Recoome crashes into Cell)
CELL: Ungh. Why did you belly flop? Oh God, I can feel your rigatoni.
RECOOME: Recoome trusts you.
CELL: Get the f**k off me!
(POST-CREDITS SCENE)
(Cell is walking back to his house)
CELL: Oh God. Ow. (notices King Cold standing nearby) Oh great. Can I help you?
KING COLD: Ah, Cell, just the bug-man I was looking for. I wanted to apologize for my son's behaviour earlier. He's never really gotten over the whole dying part.
CELL: Mmm-yeah, well death's a bitch and, uh, so is he.
KING COLD: Ha. A little, but truthfully, I could've been a better father. In some ways - save you - I'm responsible for everybody here. And that's why I took this job, Cell. Because I want to get everyone out.
CELL: How... noble.
KING COLD: That includes you, you know. Because you're one of us now. Men like you and I? We can smell our own blood.
(King Cold walks away, Cell sniffs his arm)
CELL: Shit, that is patchouli.
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