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(Cell stands in the middle of the Cell Games arena)

CELL: ...I think I'll spare Betty White.

(Deadpool suddenly appears behind Cell)

DEADPOOL: Did you know that the mitochondria is your powerhouse?

(Cell punches Deadpool into one of the corners)

CELL: Pretty sure I just manslaughtered Spider-Man.

DEADPOOL: Jesus, really? Gonna drive that golden oldie at the start?

CELL: Hold on, how are you-

DEADPOOL: Alive? Ha ha! Mutant, friend-o! Well, "mutate" specifically, but whatever! Lemme properly introduce myslef: I'm your deadly neighborhood Deadpool.

CELL: So you're... so you're one of those "X-Mans"?

DEADPOOL: Ohhhh, no. Noooo, no-no-no-no-no-no-no. I mean... sure, I help them out from time to time, but that's, like, when the world's in danger.

CELL: Zero to pissed in a moment, my goodness, you have talent.

DEADPOOL: Look, this thing isn't called "Cell vs. The X-Men", okay? It ain't "Cell vs The Avengers", or "Cell vs The Defenders". It's Deadpool. Versus. Cell. Got it? I took a pay cut to make that happen!

CELL: So is your shtick that you're insane, or just "Lawl, I'm so random!

DEADPOOL: (chuckle) My "shtick" is that I've been contracted to assassinate your thorax!

CELL: Hmm. The thought of a hired gun never crossed my mind.

DEADPOOL: Yep. Can't quite give away the identity of my employer, buuuut...

(Recording of a phone call entitled "Business Shit")

NAPPA: That's right. You murder him and I will make that Spider-Man - Deadpool movie happen!

(A sped up voice on the other end)

NAPPA: What? No, you won't get Andrew Garfield, he's out. Listen, I'll just get you to a hotel room, but it's your job to make that bed rock, okay? All right. Okay, bye. All right, Mr. Lee, it's happening.

STAN LEE: Excelsior, Ghost Nappa!

NAPPA: I'm not a-... it's been like, a season, dude, come on.

(Back to the arena)

DEADPOOL: (sigh) Guy drives a hard bargain. Also, the pic he gave me? Looks nothing like you.

CELL: Oh, absolutely not.

DEADPOOL: Now, with introductions out of the way, I'm gonna make you into bug sashimi with these swords!

CELL: ...swords? Buddy, I've got a boy with lavender hair who can give you a rundown on how poorly that's gonna work out for-where is my arm?

(Deadpool waves Cell's severed arm at him)

DEADPOOL: Yoohoo!

CELL: I stand corrected... also lopsided.

DEADPOOL: It's called Adamantium, Shelley! And it's the sliciest, diciest, mutilatiest metal ever made! Hey, this is Deadpool with Regis and Kathie Lee!

(A talk show set appears. Deadpool's swords sit on the chairs)

DEADPOOL: That's the name of the swords, and my cats who I recently had to put down... with these swords! Also, they weren't cats, but feral raccoons.

(Back to the arena. Cell blasts Deadpool through the head)

CELL: Five, four, three, two

(Deadpool sits up)

DEADPOOL: Okay! That's fair. It's actually not Adamantium, it's Carbonadium. I deserve that.

(Cell blasts Deadpool through the head again. As he waits, he hums "Hollaback Girl" to himself)

DEADPOOL: God damn it! Now listen here, you overgrown Bad Dragon toy-

(Cell blasts Deadpool again. Blood splatters)

CELL: Gonna have to clean the ring after this.

DEADPOOL: Okay, that's it!

(Deadpool teleports behind Cell)

DEADPOOL: I'm pretty sure I'm losing memories of my childhood now, and while I'm more than happy to part with my dear memories of Uncle Mickey and his van, I can't risk losing the first time I touched a boob at chess camp!

(Cell grabs Deadpool's swords)

CELL: Listen, DP. Can I call you DP?

DEADPOOL: You can call me whatever you want while I'm carving you out like a goddamn tauntaun!

CELL: DP-

(Cell snaps the ends of Deadpool's swords off)

DEADPOOL: Ah! My tips!

CELL: I get what you're going for here. I kill you, you don't die, you make jokes, I kill you again, rinse and repeat. It's not even that funny. So how 'bout you take your swords, your guns and your "references" and-

(Cell attempts to do air quotes but realizes both of his arms have been cut off)

DEADPOOL: Ohh, sorry, Shelley, but a job's a job's a job... (Wolverine impression) And I'm the best there is at what I do: (normal voice) making Arthur AMVs set to Papa Roach! But second to that, is killing dude, and there ain't no way you're gettin' rid of me until I've murder-lized you good-

WOLVERINE: (Through a radio) Deadpool, come in! We have an emergency.

DEADPOOL: (nervous chuckle) Sorry, uh, I gotta take this. Work's calling. Give me a moment. (pulls out the radio) Wolvie, buDEADPOOL:y! Best friend! Love of my life! Ha ha ha... What do you want!?

(Cut to the X-Mansion)

WOLVERINE: We need you back at the mansion. It's a "Code Phoenix".

DEADPOOL: Wha-Again with this!?

(Back to the arena)

DEADPOOL: (sigh) Ot's. like. once a month with this chick! Seriously! A-at this point, I should make a period joke... but that's below me.

(Back to the X-Mansion)

DEADPOOL: Heh heh. Blow me.

WOLVERINE: Wade, get here, or the next time I see you I'll-

(Back to the arena. Wolverine's words are indistinguishable over the radio)

CELL: I'm being very polite here. I'm being very polite to let you have this conversation right now, I'm very pissed at you.

DEADPOOL: Okay, okay, hold your Timbits, Logan. I'm on my way. And try not to kill her this time, yeah?

WOLVERINE: What the fuck did you-?

(Deadpool's two inner voices pop up with speech bubbles)

VOICE 1: Do you think he remembers X3?

VOICE 2: Nobody remembers X3.

DEADPOOL: Okay, so... I gotta go take care of some psychic bitch. Meantime, try not to kill nobody! I mean "anybody". Well, I mean, really... I don't give a shit. I was just here to waste time! Give me a call later! You can find me on Tinder... and Grindr. Oh, and Yelp! I love Mexican. ¡Adios, muchachos!

(Deadpool runs away)

DEADPOOL: (shouting) Give Goku my condolences about Superman!

CELL: ...No, Betty White's had her time. Wait, is Bea Arthur still alive? I don't think she is.

(Deadpool cuts off Cell's head)

DEADPOOL: Shink! One for the road!

CELL: Ah! I hope your sequel bombs!

DEADPOOL: It won't.

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