(shot of a dodgeball court. Cell and Freeza are facing each other. A ball is between them with Goz standing by it. Behind Goz, from left to right, is Guldo, Zarbon, Raditz, Recoome, and Dodoria.)
GOZ: Zis vill be a four-v-four match of Völkerball. Our first team-building exercise with our newest member, Cell! Cell und Freeza, you are ze team captains, und you shall now each select your teammates. Ze first one to pick shall be decided by coin toss.
FREEZA: I choose... (whips his tail) tails!
CELL: So you're giving me head?
ZARBON: Mhmhmm.
(Freeza looks at Zarbon and gives a disapproving grunt. Zarbon drops his head and gives a sad groan. Goz flicks the coin in the air then catches it in slow motion and looks at it.)
GOZ: Tails!
FREEZA: Never fails.
CELL: Eugh!
GOZ: Good! Now, Freeza, pick your first teammate.
FREEZA: (internally) Alright, Freeza. You need someone close, strong, and who follows orders. Dodoria is an obvious first pick, but then Cell will counter-pick Zarbon. Unless... he knows that I know that, and has planned around me picking someone else. But at our level, the least obvious choice is sometimes the most. (out loud) I pick Dodoria.
CELL: I pick Zarbon.
FREEZA: BITCH!
(Freeza kicks Guldo out of frame)
GOZ: Freeza also chooses Guldo.
FREEZA: What!?
GOZ: Next time don't spend so much time on your first pick, ja?
FREEZA: Gah!
CELL: I pick... Raditz.
RADITZ: Huh? Really? I honestly didn't expect you to pick me.
CELL: Of course I did. (pointing at Recoome) Just look at that guy. You've got like, less than half the surface area, right? (turning to Goz) Wait, ogre, does hair count?
GOZ: (tossing the rule book behind him) Nein.
CELL: Danke.
RADITZ: sigh
FREEZA: Fine. I pick Recoome.
RECOOME: Recoome is honored that you saved the best for last.
CELL: Wait, last? Where's the tall blue one and the short little red one?
GOZ: Burter und Jeice are...
(a light turns on showing the duo behind a commentary table)
JEICE: On commentary, mate!
BURTER: It's a callback!
CELL: Yeah. that doesn't really solve the problem. We're still a guy short. Where's our fourth?
(Mez drives a forklift carrying Super Kami Guru onto the court)
MEZ: Sorry ve're late.
GURU: Who ordered the Big Gulp?
(HFIL Intro)
(A graphic for "Dodgeball-o-Rama" is shown before going back to the commentary table. Graphics show Jeice as "Second-in-Command" and Burter as ""Fastest" In The Afterlife")
JEICE: G'day, folks. I'm Jeice.
BURTER: I'm Burter.
JEICE: And tonight, we're giving the play-by-play on Dodgeball-o-Rama!
BURTER: It's balls-to-the-wall action, Jeice. But these crews couldn't be more motley.
JEICE: Freeza's got the tallest and shortest players in the game, but Cell's got the thinnest and the fattest.
BURTER: But the real question is: who's the fastest?
JEICE: That's certainly a question. A question that's about to be answered.
CELL: I can't believe we have to do this with a handicap, you know this is bullshit, right?
RADITZ: You're the one who antagonized Freeza.
CELL: And I'd do it again.
RADITZ: (sarcastic)Yeah, and you'll get out of here real quick with that attitude.
FREEZA: Remember, gentlemen: Fail me and... well, I can't quite kill you, but I assure you, you'll wish I could.
GOZ: Achtung alle! Both teams ready?... Set... Völker!
(Cell launches towards the ball, but by the time he gets there, Guldo is already holding it)
CELL: Uhh...
GULDO: Hello!
(Guldo throws the ball upwards. Recoome grabs it and throws it towards Cell's team)
CELL: Oh, shit!
(All of Cell's team jumps away as the ball plummets into the ground causing an explosion)
JEICE: What an explosive beginning to the match! Recoome may only be the second tallest member of the force, but he definitely packs the most beef!
BURTER: A true powerhouse to be reckoned with. But what's this? Raditz has recovered and he's got the ball.
JEICE: Keep your eye on it, Burtie.
(Raditz throws the ball which Guldo easily side-steps)
RADITZ: Damn it!
BURTER: Oh, gonna have to be faster than that to hit such a small target.
JEICE: Oh, but now the ball's in Dodoria's meaty claws. That sheila's a right bunyip with a ball.
(Dodoria throws the ball, which whizzes by Raditz)
BURTER: Oh, but she missed! Must be feeling like a real drongo, huh, Jeice?
JEICE: Oi, stay in your lane, Burter.
DODORIA: Whoops.
FREEZA: Damn it, Dodoria, watch where you're -
(Freeza quickly ducks as the ball flies over his head. He angrily stands back up to see Cell mockingly saluting him)
CELL: I'll get you next tiiiime!
(Freeza growls angrily. Recoome catches the ball which Cell moves his head out of the way for. Zarbon catches it and drops it towards his pelvis, thrusting to launch it forward. Freeza dives out of the way and we cut to Guru who is sleeping as the ball constantly whizzes past his head. Raditz throws the ball which lands behind Guldo and Recoome, adding an explosion as a background to their pose. Freeza shakes his head at them. Freeza seemingly launces the ball with a ki blast but Cell stops it mid-air and seemingly launches it with his own ki. Cut to Raditz and Dodoria who are just standing to the side as the ball flies past each of them. Guldo hands Recoome the ball and he spins as he charges up.)
RECOOME: Recoome... Ball Buster!
(Recoome throws the ball which Cell catches, though it pushes him backwards. Cell pants in exhaustion.)
JEICE: Cell's team's giving it their all, but Recoome is wearing them down.
CELL: Damn! If only someone on this team could handle all that beef!
(Cell notices that Zarbon seems to be holding himself back)
CELL: What the here is wrong with him?
JEICE: Oh, no. Zarbon stayed silent the entire match to avoid making any innuendos about balls!
BURTER: But he won't be able to hold back much longer.
ZARBON: I... I...
(Zarbon transforms into his monster form)
MONSTROUS ZARBON: I'm going balls deep!
(Cell looks shocked as Zarbon grabs the ball from his hand, launching it with full power into Recoome who seems to briefly catch it, but can't hold the force as it knocks him down and launches him across the court)
BURTER: Ohoho, Zarbon really rearranged his guts with that one.
JEICE: And that's the first out. Recoome has been eliminated.
FREEZA: Great! Now Zarbon's out of control. Dodoria! Handle his balls.
DODORIA: Righto.
(Dodoria puts the ball in her mouth)
DODORIA: (through the ball) Hey, big boy. What ya think of this?
JEICE: How is she still so articulate?
BURTER: Maddeningly skilled tongue.
MONSTROUS ZARBON: Rrgh. I like it when you put my balls in your mouth!
(Dodria fires the ball from her mouth, hitting Zarbon in the crotch)
BURTER: That means Zarbon is eliminated! And both teams are down a member. Or in Zarbon's case, two members.
(Zarbon lays on the ground in pain, having reverted back to his normal form)
ZARBON: F*ck you, Burter.
CELL: Shit. Raditz, grab the ball.
(Raditz looks but the ball is no longer where it had been a second ago)
RADITZ: I... I can't find it.
CELL: I don't mean Zarbon's, I mean the actual ball!
RADITZ: I know, I was watching it but then it just diappear-
GULDO: Hello!
(Guldo now has the ball)
RADITZ: Wha- How!?
(Guldo hands the ball to Freeza)
GULDO: There you are.
FREEZA: Yes. I am. (Freeza grabs the ball with his tail) Alright, Cell. How about this? Because I feel so sorry for you, I'll-
CELL: Give me a handicap, won't use your hands, blah blah blah, blow that ball out your ass.
FREEZA: Hm. Close.
(Freeza throws the ball with his tail. Cell attempts to catch the ball but it curves past his head)
JEICE: Crikey, he's put a spin on her. And it's headed right towards...
(The ball hits Raditz in the abdomen and though he goes down, it bounces off of him)
BURTER: What's this? The ball has ricocheted!
DODORIA: Oh, balls.
(The ball hits Dodoria in the face and she goes down)
JEICE: And Dodoria has been hit! (he pulls out the same rulebook Goz had earlier) And according to H-F-I-L Völkerball rules, once a ball has been thrown, anyone hit by the ball before it touches the ground is out. Which means both Dodoria and Raditz have been eliminated.
FREEZA: Damn it, Dodoria! You should have been able to dodge that!
DODRIA: My bad.
FREEZA: Yes, your bad, because now you've left me alone with the weakest member of my "elite forces".
GULDO: Um...
FREEZA: I'd even settle for Cui right now, but apparently his biggest sin was hating Vegeta.
GULDO: I...
FREEZA: Seriously, this is just the jockstrap incident all over again! Right down to the big red ball!
GULDO: I thought we let that go.
FREEZA: I'll let it go when you die... again.
GULDO: Alright... fine.
(Guldo walks backwards with his arms outstretched)
FREEZA: What are you doing? What... Stop that! Stop that this instant you little... Damn it, Guldo! I order you to stop before you-
(Guldo is hit by the ball)
FREEZA: BITCH!
BURTER: And it looks like Guldo is out! Leaving only Lord Freeza versus Cell and Guru.
(shot of Guru sleeping)
JEICE: Well, Cell anyway.
CELL: So, uh, do you have a habit of eliminating your own men, or...
FREEZA: Only the ones I don't need. And last I checked, I don't need anyone to take you down.
CELL: Then why don't you make like Dodoria and put your balls where your mouth is?
FREEZA: Nothing would please me more.
(Freeza jumps upwards, throwing the ball above his head and charges it up)
FREEZA: I hope you enjoyed your brief moment in the spotlight you comely cockroach, because this is the end! I'll reduce you and your impudence to ashes! Hyah!
(Freeza seemingly throws the ball which Cell prepares for, but Freeza had only pretended to throw it, dropping it to his foot to kick it)
JEICE: By God, it was a feint!
(The ball bounces off the floor)
CELL: Yeah, crapbaskets.
(four different angles of Cell getting hit in the face by the ball)
BURTER: And Cell takes it square to the face. He's out, ladies and gentlemen.
(Freeza lands on the ground again)
FREEZA: Tsk tsk tsk. I told you I wouldn't use my hands.
(Cell is next to Raditz on the ground)
CELL: Hey Raditz, do I have a bloody nose? I feel like I have a bloody nose.
RADITZ: I blame you for all of this.
FREEZA: Ah, honestly, this has been amusing. But all good things must come to an end. And let this be a lesson to you, Cell. When you come at the king, don't!
JEICE: Fair dinkum, folks. This is it.
BURTER: Thank God! This voice is killing me.
FREEZA: Au revoir, you giant green Lovesac!
(Freeza throws the ball which stops in Guru's gut)
FREEZA: Uh...
GOZ: Zat counts as a catch. Cell can put a teammate back in ze game.
CELL: Oh, me, me, yes I choose me, YES Ohohohohoho, Oh I love you you fat f*ck!
(Cell punches Guru's arm. Guru wakes up with a start and the ball fires out of his gut hitting Freeza in the face then rebounding and hitting Cell in the face)
CELL: Ah, God damn you, you fat f*ck!
JEICE: Both Freeza and Cell are eliminated!
BURTER: And that means the winner is...
GOZ: Guru!
GURU: (scoffs) Was there any doubt?
(Everyone except Mez, Freeza, and Cell all gather around Guru. Mez watches on while Freeza and Cell are nowhere to be seen)
ALL: Hip hip, (they all strain as they attempt to lift Guru). Hip hip, (Again they all strain. A breaking noise is heard)
GOZ: Ach! Mein spine!
MEZ: Goz!
GOZ: Oh God! I pulled something. I pulled everything!
(Cell starts to awaken on the floor as this happens)
MEZ: Just lay down, I'll grab some ice.
CELL: Hm?
ZARBON: Does he need mouth-to-mouth?
(Cell notices Freeza walking away)
FREEZA: I cannot believe that miserable slug. I will carve him out and make a reading nook within his cavernous insides! And as for that vile insect.
(Cell approaches with the familiar noise of his steps)
FREEZA: Ugh! Why do your feet make that horrendously irritating noise?
CELL: I don't know, why does your mouth?
FREEZA: Rrgh, fine. If you're here to gloat, then just get it over with. And if you're going to tell them I wasn't killed by Goku, I frankly don't care. Whoever killed me couldn't possibly be more embarrasing than Goku's tween offspring.
CELL: Eh, there's always Vegeta's teen offspring.
FREEZA: Well, yes, I do suppose that would be- (realization) No.
CELL: Who do you think that time traveller was? And I'm sure how everyone would love to hear how you were split in two by Vegeta's overgrown sperm.
FREEZA: Y-you're lying!
CELL: Freeza, I've literally never lied.
FREEZA: They won't believe you.
CELL: Why not? You do.
FREEZA: Gah.
CELL: Sure, maybe they won't at first. But today you lost that match. Their loyalty is already waning. Sooner or later doubt will set in. And everything you have here in this miserable literal hellhole will crumble away and all you'll be left with is two German ogres and a whole afterlife of shame.
FREEZA: I... you... wretched...
CELL: But I'm not going to tell them.
FREEZA: ...Bitch, what?
FREEZA (V.O.): I know who I f*cking am. And I'd rather die a million more times before I ever pretend otherwise.
(Cell looks over at Raditz, who waves at him)
RADITZ (V.O.) (sarcastic)Yeah, and you'll get out of here real quick with that attitude.
CELL: Because I'm not playing your game, Freeza. (he starts to walk away) I'm playing mine.
FREEZA: Oh, so what? Now it's "Cell's Game?"
CELL: Ahahahaha, Oh man, you have no idea why that's so funny.
FREEZA: F*ck you!
CELL: No, Freeza. F*ck me.
FREEZA: What!?
(Guldo is next to Freeza)
GULDO: Lord Freeza. I wanted to apologize. What you said earlier really hurt my feelings, but that was no excuse to-
(Freeza kicks Guldo out of frame)
FREEZA: Eyaaaaaaahhhhh!!!
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