KAISERNEKO: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, Toei Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release.
(cut to Bardock confronting Zarbon, Dodoria, and Freeza in space outside planet Vegeta)
NARRATOR: A familiar scene plays before you. A lone renegade stands at the precipice of global annihilation. The grim punctuation to his warrior race.
FREEZA: You know, the funny thing is, Bardock, even if you had seen this coming, there's nothing you could have done about it. (begins charging a Supernova from his finger)
BARDOCK: You don't... You have no goddamned idea.
ZARBON: Mmm, and even if you told every single Saiyan, none of them would have even believed you.
BARDOCK: Just...please stop talking.
DODORIA: And you never even got a chance to say goodbye to your son.
BARDOCK: (thinking) I have one of those? *gasps* Oh, God, I have two of those!
FREEZA: Consider this downsizing on a global scale! You can pick up your unemployment checks wherever you end up. (Bardock charges up an energy blast)
BARDOCK: GO TO HELL! (throws the energy blast at Freeza)
FREEZA: See, that was my first guess. (fires the Supernova, which absorbs Bardock's blast)
BARDOCK: (thinking as multiple soldiers scream in terror) Ah, crapbaskets. (gets engulfed by Freeza's Supernova)
NARRATOR: And so, with a macabre flash of blinding light, the howling laughter of a blood-parched tyrant echoing through his mind, so ends the tragic fate of Bardock. (Freeza's Supernova collides with Planet Vegeta, causing it to explode into nothingness) ...Or so you'd think, if you didn't know a thing about merchandising! Hit it!
("DragonBall Z Abridged: Episode of Bardock" logo appears on the screen as "Time Warp (Rocky Horror Picture Show)" by Richard O'Brien plays in the background)
BARDOCK: Uah! (wakes up and finds himself on a bed) (thinking) Am I in a bed? Does hell have beds? You'd think they'd have beds of spikes. Or spiders. Or spiky spiders. ...Spikers. (gets up and looks outside a window) Wait, this looks like Planet Vegeta. Only...even shittier. Which is and isn't weird, considering the last time I saw it, it was blowing up.
DR. DRAY: Hi-ho!
BARDOCK: (turns his head around) Uggh!
DR. DRAY: We found you unconscious and near-death in a valley not too far from here. We helped bring you back to health with our magical healing S.P.U.G..
DR. DRAY: Super Polymorphic Unleashing Gel. We brought you to our town on our pleasant, serene little planet. My name is Dray. And this is my child Twopock. Say hi-ho, Twopock.
TWOPOCK: Where are you from?
BARDOCK: There is nothing about this whole scenario that doesn't make me so disgusted I want to violently vomit out my own internal organs. I despise you both so intensely that I can't tell if my vision is blurry from my near-death experience or from my unforgiving rage. If allowed, once I am back to full health, I will gut you with an honest-to-god smile on my face, and then proceed to paint the home I build with your bodies with your very blood.
DR. DRAY: You hear that, Twopock? You made a friend.
DR. DRAY: That came from my village!
(cut to inside the village with two soldiers destroying the villager's homes)
TOOBI: Hello there, inhabitants of Planet Plant. We are here on a diplomatic mission on behalf of your new emperor, Lord Chilled. Pamphlets will be passed around to introduce you to your new, exciting lives as slaves to his Almighty Horniness.
BARDOCK: Really? This is how you intimidate a village? Blow up a house or two? I don't even think you kill anyone with those peashooters. Speaking of which, what models are those? They look ancient.
KAYABIRA: Hey, we were gonna kill one of the sick ones if they didn't comply.
BARDOCK: Oh, kill one of the sick ones. What are you gonna do next? Waterboard the elderly?
KAYABIRA: Look, buddy. We didn't come here to be judged by you. (fires a blast at Bardock, who evades it and punches him hard in the stomach)
TOOBI:: Holy-- (Bardock kicks him in the face, sending him to flying into a wall)
BARDOCK: Pfft. Amateurs.
VILLAGER: Hooray! Everyone give praise to our new violent savior!
(the villagers come out of hiding and start approaching Bardock)
VILLAGERS: (singing "Welcome Christmas" from "How the Grinch Stole Christmas") Bahoo dores bahoo dores...
BARDOCK: (extends his hand to stop the villagers' singing) NO! None of that! Shame on you! (flies away and lands near a cave) Who needs villagers, with their soft beds and S.P.U.G.? Rocks are soft enough to sleep on, right? (sits on a rocks) ...I've made a terrible mistake.
(cut to a spaceship in outer space)
SOLDIER: Lord Chilled! The vital sensors in the blasters of the two scouts you just sent--
CHILLED: Shshshshshshsh... (pause) Continue.
SOLDIER: Have ceased transmission. We believe they're dead!
CHILLED: *gasp* Outraaageous! In honor of their deaths, my men shall now and forevermore be given the names of fruits! Pineapple! Bring us to Planet Plant!
SOLDIER: ...So am I Pineapple?
(Chilled's spaceship is seen flying into Planet Plant. Cut to Bardock inside the cave)
BARDOCK: (thinking) All right, I think I might have figured this out. This looks like a younger Planet Vegeta. Those two guys were using older models. Maybe... This is the--
BARDOCK: Aaand I lost my train of thought.
TWOPOCK: Hello, violent savior. I have brought you bread and fruit.
BARDOCK: I don't want your bread, or your fruit. But leave the basket.
TWOPOCK: But violent savior--
BARDOCK: LEAVE THE BASKET! (Twopock leaves the basket on the floor and runs off crying) (thinking) I swear to God I'm gonna eat his entire race. (cut him doing one-armed pushups inside the cave on a rainy day as Twopock places another basket of food on the ground and runs off with the empty basket) Dammit, I filled up on bread!
(cut to Twopock bringing another basket of food to Bardock)
TWOPOCK: Here you are, violent savior. I have brought you more food that you detest.
BARDOCK: (takes a bread from the basket) Seriously, kid. If you don't start bringing me meat, I am literally gonna shit bricks. (Twopock grunts and drops something else near the basket) That is a rock!
(cut to Dr. Dray healing a villager (Rizza) in another busy day at the village)
RIZZA: Thank you, Dr. Dray. Your S.P.U.G. has cured my syphilis.
DR. DRAY: You are welcome, Rizza.
RIZZA: Well, back to what I was doing before.
DR. DRAY: Oh, you are just incorrigible.
(cut to a bunch of cloaked figures approaching the village)
PAPAYA: Hello. We are the Space Police.
AICE CUBE: (off-screen) Man, f**k the police!
DR. DRAY: Not now, Aice Cube!
PAPAYA: We are here to catch evil space criminals and various other ne'er-do-wells.
DR. DRAY: I can assure you that we have already exiled Khris of the clan Brown from our planet.
CHILLED: We are looking for the man who assassinated two emissaries from the Frost Planet.
DR. DRAY: You mean the violent savior?
VILLAGER: All hail the violent savior!
VILLAGERS: (once again singing "Welcome Christmas" from "How the Grinch Stole Christmas") Bahoo dores...
CHILLED: NO! None of that! Shame on you! I wish to meet this man so that I may reward him!
DR. DRAY: I thought you said you wanted to arrest him.
CHILLED: I CHANGE MY MIND A LOT! (pause) Execute them.
(shows Twopock's horrified expression as Chilled's soldiers attack the villagers off-screen. Cut to Bardock outside the cave)
BARDOCK: Sweet. Back to a hundred percent. I'd go out and eat that whole village right now if I hadn't already filled up on rocks.
TWOPOCK: (runs up to Bardock) Violent savior! My village needs you!
BARDOCK: Ah, Space Christ, what now?
TWOPOCK: Our people are under assault by villains from another planet.
BARDOCK: Why is this place so popular?
TWOPOCK: You don't understand. This could be the extinction of the entire Saiyan race!
BARDOCK: (pauses and looks at Twopock) What?
TWOPOCK: My people, the Saiyans!
BARDOCK: Oh, no... But if you're Saiyans. And those old-ass lookin' blasters. And this looks like Planet Vege-- (explosion) Dammit! There it goes again! (kicks Twopock) Hell with this. (takes his headband and flies off)
TWOPOCK: I am now bearing your child. YAAAAAAAYY--
(cut to Chilled and his soldiers destroying the village)
CHILLED: That's right! Continue to blow up the houses! We will avenge my men and take control of this planet! Also we want your healing medicine.
DR. DRAY: (backs up and hides his S.P.U.G.) How did you hear about our S.P.U.G.?
CHILLED: Because of Raisins! ...Raisin is my intel guy.
PAPAYA: Now give us your S.P.U.G. or we'll beat it out of ya.
CHILLED: (holds up a video camera) And I'll record the whole thing!
(Dr. Dray closes his eyes in fear when Bardock arrives and kicks one soldier in the face and grabs the other one's neck and snaps it off-screen)
BARDOCK: (drops the soldier on the ground) I'm sorry I had to step in, but that was just getting obscene.
CHILLED: So you must be the one who killed my men. (removes his hood and reveals his face)
BARDOCK: (thinking) Freeza?! (sees the resemblance) Freeza! (out loud) FREEEEZAAAA!
(Bardock charges at Chilled and punches him, knocking his cloak away. Chilled growls and retaliates by kicking Bardock, knocking him face-down to the ground)
CHILLED: (as Bardock struggles to get up) You wish to wrestle with the great Lord Chilled? Yet you have not brought your own leotard?! (plants Bardock's face on the ground with his foot) Worthless whelp! You make a mockery of Wrestle Wednesdays! You see, they both start with "W"s! It's alliteration.
BARDOCK: (muffled) Freeza! Freeza! *muffled growling noises*
CHILLED: I don't know who this "Freeza" is, but he sounds like a classy lady!
DR. DRAY: (runs up to help Bardock) Release our violent sav-- (Chilled bitch-slaps him with his tail) Oh, God!
CHILLED: These people seem to have a sincere affection for you. What is your secret?
BARDOCK: (muffled) Maybe because I don't look like a giant purple and orange tampon.
CHILLED: (quickly) I have lost interest! (kicks Bardock away) And now...YOUUUU DIIIIIIIE! (starts charging up an energy blast)
TWOPOCK: (tearfully running up to Bardock) I must protect the father of my unborn child!
CHILLED: Congratulations... It's a corpse! (fires a shockwave that knocks Twopock away)
TWOPOCK: (collides with a wall and starts falling down) Ow ow. Ow. Ow. (hits the ground) Owww.
DR. DRAY: No, Twopock! Damn you...big...small guy!
CHILLED: And now, to finish off the Saiyan race!
BARDOCK: (thinking) Wait, hold on... Now I remember what I was thinking about. They call themselves Saiyans... And the freakin' blasters... And Planet Vegeta... And his name is Chilled... And... And... (out loud to Chilled) Hey! You! What year is it?
BARDOCK: B.C. or A.D.?
CHILLED: The hell are those?
BARDOCK: (deepan) I'm in the f***ing past. Of all the STUPID! (slams his head on the ground, causing lightning to erupt) ASININE! (punches the ground, once again erupting lightning) SHARK-JUMPING BULLSHIT! (slams his head on the ground again and screams as he undergoes a shocking transformation)
CHILLED: What the?!
(Bardock finishes screaming and is now seen as a Super Saiyan)
CHILLED: Oh, I'm sorry. I only fight natural blondes.
BARDOCK: I...am the legendary Super Saiyan.
VILLAGER: Yay, we're all Super Saiyans!
BARDOCK: I will eat you!
(Chilled fires multiple blasts at Bardock, leaving the area in smoke)
CHILLED: And that, ladies, gentlemen, and those of unspecified gender, is how you split a bananaWAAA?
("Ninth Symphony" by Beethoven starts playing as Bardock walks out of the smoke with parts of his clothes and armor destroyed, but is far from being defeated. Chilled attempts to punch Bardock, but the Super Saiyan catches both his fists.)
CHILLED: Please don't break my butt.
(Bardock starts pummeling Chilled, which ends with him kicking Chilled high into the air)
CHILLED: You petulant, impudent, contemptuous whoooooore!
BARDOCK: (starts charging up an energy blast) You mad, bro?
CHILLED: A little, thank you for asking! (fires a Death Ball at Bardock)
BARDOCK: Then maybe you should CHILL! (fires his energy blast)
CHILLED: I'm always chilled! ...Ooohhh, I get it (gets hit by the blast and is shot into outer space) NOOOOooooooo...
(cut to inside Chilled's spaceship with Chilled in a medical bed and on life support surrounded by a few of his soldiers)
CHILLED: Before I die, I have one...one more decree. All of our most elite warriors must learn dance...choreography. (takes off breathing mask) Got to style...all over...our opponents'...forrrce... (dies with the electrocardiogram showing a horizontal line)
PINEAPPLE: Well, call it, Blueberry.
BLUEBERRY: Do I still have to call myself Blueberry?
RAISIN: Well I'm gonna keep calling you Blueberry.
BLUEBERRY: Shut up, Raisin!
(cut to Twopock looking on as Bardock walks off in the sunset)
NARRATOR: And so, with the evil Chilled put to rest, the unlikely hero made his way. And that is the story of how...
(cut to Goku inside his house)
GOKU: ...how your grandpa Bardock became the legendary Super Saiyan.
GOHAN: Okay, a couple questions.
GOHAN: Why did Freeza's Death Ball send him back in time?
GOKU: I dunno.
GOHAN: And what happened to his psychic powers?
GOKU: I dunno.
GOHAN: And why did all the little Saiyans sound the same?
GOKU: I couldn't remember which was which, honestly, so I just went with it.
GOHAN: Well I'm sorry, it's just...none of this makes any sense.
GOKU: Of course it doesn't. None of this is actually happening.
GOKU: None of this is real.
GOHAN: What are you talking ab-- (suddenly wakes up) Huh? (sees Piccolo staring at him from outside the window)
PICCOLO: Go back to sleep, Gohan.
("Back in Time" by Huey Lewis and the News starts playing as the credits roll)
BARDOCK: Seriously, you wanna learn how to traumatize a village? Okay. See that kid over there? (fires a blast at the kid)
VILLAGER: (off-screen) Odieby! Noooo! (starts bawling)
BARDOCK: Hear that mother? That is distraught.
KAYABIRA: You should write a book. You're like a brilliant scientist!
BARDOCK: Well, I am working on this fake moon thing.