[DISCLAIMER]
KAISERNEKO: The following is a fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, TOEI Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release
(cut to an outside shot of planet Earth with a dark sphere-shaped cloud approaching it and releasing a dark gas)
???: War. Greed. Pollution. Destruction. The world has been overcome by naughtiness. (cut to inside a city with many citizens coughing from engulfing the dark gas) It cannot be saved. (the dark gas forms into a mysterious alien) It can only be culled. Christmas...is ho...ho...over.
(the text "Plan to Eradicate Christmas" appears on the screen)
(cut to outside Capsule Corporation with Goku and Gohan popping in inside to meet Bulma and Trunks)
GOKU: Merry Christmas Eve, Bulma!
GOHAN: And Happy Holidays, Mr. Piccolo!
PICCOLO: You know, I actually do celebrate Christmas.
GOHAN: Really?
PICCOLO: Yeah; if you think about it, I'm basically the son of God.
KAMI: (Oh, Jesus Christ...)
PICCOLO: (Kinda.)
NAIL: (Wait, so does that make me the Holy Spirit?)
PICCOLO & KAMI: (Kinda.)
BULMA: Um, have any of you seen the news today?
GOHAN: The only thing my Dad watches on Christmas is the Rankin Bass Rudolf movie on loop.
BULMA: Well... (turns on the TV, which shows a news report from the ZTV channel)
MAY: May McStand here, live from West City, where a toxic miasma has the local townsfolk collapsing en masse.
GOHAN: Good thing we Instant Transmissioned.
MAY: In unrelated news, several machines have been descending from the skies via dark ungodly orb in the outer atmosphere. (shows several machines falling from the sky from the dark sphere until Bulma turns the TV off)
TRUNKS: I don't think that's unrelated.
GOKU: Someone or something is trying to ruin Christmas again. And that's got me Chris-miffed.
GOHAN: Solid pun, Dad.
GOKU: Thanks. I've been waiting for someone to try and ruin Christmas again.
BULMA: Those machines are the ones expelling the gas. It's some kind of aerosolized coal particulates, but...something's weird about it.
TRUNKS: So what? Is someone trying to kill the whole world with Miner's Lung?
GOKU: *gasps* Be careful, Gohan! You're a minor!
GOHAN: (taken aback) I'm...surprised you knew that--
GOKU: So, is Piccolo...and Bulma!
GOHAN: (disappointed) Oh... You meant character.
GOKU: And Vegeta!
VEGETA: (walks in from the other room) The f**k I am!
GOKU: Oh. Hey, Geets! When'd you get here?
VEGETA: I live here, you dolt.
BULMA: Could've fooled me...
TRUNKS: What's up, Dad? You're looking...uncharacteristically wistful.
VEGETA: Well, it's just... Every Christmas Eve—before it was replaced by Freeza Day—I'd sit out on my porch and fire into the night sky, hoping to kill Santa.
GOKU: *gasps* Oh no! You never hit him, did you?!
VEGETA: I thought I did once, but it was actually just a pod carrying my brother, Tarble. They never found it...or the body. What I'm saying is it's Christmas Eve and something needs to die. So I'm feeling a little nostalgic.
TRUNKS: I have an uncle?
VEGETA: You had an uncle.
(cut to the Z-Fighters outside in the sky)
GOKU: There it is. One of the machines that's ruining Christmas. First, we blow'em all up. Then we find the Grinch that made them, and send that grimacing green monster straight to HFIL!
PICCOLO: Um...
GOHAN: Not you, Mr. Piccolo.
GOKU: Who wants to blow it up? 1-2-3--
VEGETA: Mine! (fires a blast at the machine)
GOKU: Aw, dang it.
(the blast hits the machine, which causes an explosion)
VEGETA: Ha ha! And that's how Vegeta saved C-(the machine appears unaffected as it's protected by a barrier)-rrrrrrrrap.
GOKU: Want I should take a swing at it?
VEGETA: (off-screen) Go to hell, Kakarrot!
FREEZA: Oh please. Do go to hell. (Goku gasps) It's wonderful, this time of year... I should know.
GOHAN: Freeza!
FREEZA: That's right, monkeys! We have returned for our revenge!
GOHAN: Is that like the royal "we", or...
FREEZA: Yes! Also, no. Come forth, villains of Freeza Day past! (three fogs forms around the Z-Fighters, one of them forms into Cooler)
COOLER: Brother, we agreed on villains of Christmas past.
VEGETA: Cooler!
LORD SLUG: Okay. So like, I showed up in July. I-I'm just here for revenge. You know...more or less--
PICCOLO: SLUUUUG!!
TURLES: And I'm more than happy to take another crack at this nut!
GOKU: Dark me!
TURLES: Dark yo-- (baffled) You remember me, right?
GOKU: Of course. Every time I look in the mirror.
TURLES: No, I'm--
VEGETA: Turles, right?
TURLES: Yes! (looks back and sees who he's talking to) Oh my God; Prince Vegeta?
VEGETA: How's the tree doing?
TURLES: ...Destroyed.
VEGETA: And this is why we don't let the lower class have nice things.
GOHAN: And herrrre we goooo with the politics...
FREEZA: So, monkeys!
TURLES: Dude!
GOHAN: ...And the racism.
FREEZA: We're here to make this your last Freeza Day on Earth.
COOLER: Seriously, it's always got to be about you, doesn't it?
FREEZA: Well, that is what father said.
COOLER: He also said he loved us both equally.
FREEZA: Well, you know how fond father was of jokes!
COOLER: And that's why he had you second, punchline!
TRUNKS: This is really uncomfortable.
GOHAN: Yep. That's Christmas.
GOKU: Alright, guys! (turns Super Saiyan) Let's jingle these bells!
VEGETA: I refuse to fight to that.
(The villains of Freeza Day past charge at the Z-Fighters, with Goku fighting Cooler, Trunks fighting Freeza, Gohan fighting Turles, and Piccolo fighting Lord Slug. The Z-Fighters managed to defeats their opponents, but they merely turn into fog and reform)
GOKU: Killing them isn't working! (evades a punch from Cooler)
GOHAN: It's something in the air, Dad! *coughs*
COOLER: That's right, fools! Let's just say you're getting a little more than coal for Christmas.
FREEZA: (off-screen) Freeza Day!
COOLER: F**K...OFF!
GOKU: You know, Christmas is a time where we should all come together-- (he along with Vegeta, Piccolo, Gohan, and Trunks get knocked into a wall)
TURLES: You're right. So, let's all come together...so you can all die together! (he and the rest of the villains of Freeza Day past prepare a blast to finish off the Z-Fighters)
FREEZA: God rest ye, Monkey gentlemen.
("Christmas In Hollis" by RUN-DMC plays with Bulma appearing from the sky in her plane and flies past the villains of Freeza Day past)
LORD SLUG: Woah!
TURLES: Holy!
FREEZA: What the deuce!?
COOLER: Jesus!
BULMA: Hey, everyone! (releases multiple capsules from her ship) I ran a bunch of tests on the gas, and I discovered that it's not just coal, but pure, concentrated naughtiness! (the capsules drop into the machine) So I took some of baby Trunks' blood and synthesized enough niceness to destroy the--
GOKU: Magic baby blood. Cool.
BULMA: Right? Now, I'm off to go destroy the other machines. Also, visit some African warlords. (flies off)
FREEZA: Did...did nobody shoot her?
LORD SLUG: Why didn't you?
FREEZA: Because I have you fools!
COOLER: I'm sorry, dear brother, but I thought it was all about you.
FREEZA: Oh stop being a prick!
(Vegeta fires a blast that destroys Cooler, Gohan fires a blast to destroys Turles, Piccolo obliterates Lord Slug with his blast, and Trunks blast Freeza, with Goku following up with a blast that destroys the villains of Freeza Day past and purifies the dark skies)
PICCOLO: Cathartic as that was, I don't think this is over.
GOHAN: That did feel more like a symptom than a cause.
GOKU: Hold on! Let me check with the big guy upstairs. (telepathically) Hey, King Kai!
KING KAI: (telepathically) Oh, hey Goku! Merry Christmas!
GOKU: (telepathically) Merry Christmas, King Kai! Quick question: Do you know if anyone is attacking the Earth, right now?
KING KAI: (telepathically) Oh yeah! Real suspicious-looking mini-moon sitting around in your upper atmosphere. I was gonna tell you tomorrow since, you know, it's Christmas...
GOKU: (telepathically) But it's Christmas Eve, though.
KING KAI: (telepathically) Not in this time zone. Anyway, that thing is overflowing with naughty energy. So, whatever you do, be careful. Or don't. Whatever, I'm like, 5 eggnogs in.
(cut to a mysterious place with the same mysterious alien from the beginning of the special)
???: I see. You have failed me, my dark ornaments. (the defeated villains of Freeza Day past are seen screaming in agony from inside the orbs) But...it is of no concern. Soon...the whole world will know the true meaning of Christmas.
GOKU: (off-screen) Not on our watch! (he along with Gohan, Trunks, Piccolo, and Vegeta land and confront the mysterious alien)
???: Oh, good! You're right on time! Welcome to my workshop... The Star of Death-lehem!
PICCOLO: Wait, "workshop"? Like... "Santa's... Workshop"?
???: Yes... My workshop.
GOKU: (lets out a long, excited gasp) SANTA!!
GOHAN: Dad, he is the one trying to destroy Christmas.
GOKU: Huh? But...that would make him...evil!
SANTA: I'm the one with the lists here. I decide good and evil. And you're all at the top of my naughty list! Piccolo, you tried to subjugate the entire planet!
PICCOLO: Pft. Sins of the father, much?
SANTA: Trunks, you've completely destabilized the space-time continuum, with your reckless time-travel!
TRUNKS: That's absurd! (cuts to the 1993 version of the special, with Trunks speaking in a classic TV sound) I have no idea what you're talking about. The space-time continuum is fine.
(cut back to reality)
SANTA: And you, Vegeta... Jesus Christ, I-- ...I mean just...wow! There's not enough time in the day... But how about we start with the hole you put in my sleigh?!
VEGETA: HA! I did hit him!
SANTA: (looks at Goku) And yoooouuu!
GOKU: Um...
SANTA: Your ceaseless lust for battle has endangered not only your family...but your entire planet! TIME, and time again! You are a danger to the entire universe!
GOKU: Whaat? That's crazy. How could I ever endanger the whole universe? (an advertisement for Dragon Ball Super's Universe Survival Saga appears at the bottom of the screen)
GOHAN: Wait-- But, what about me?
SANTA: You're actually on the nice list. (forms a wrapped present) Merry Christmas, Gohan.
GOHAN: (receives present) Oh wow. Thank you so much, Santa! I wonder what it-- (unwraps present) Oh, it's Moby Dick... *gasps* In French! Merci beaucoup, Père Noël!
SANTA: But for the rest of you, and this un-salvageable planet...the only present I have is--
VEGETA: FINAL FLAAAAAASH! (fires a massive blue blast at Santa)
SANTA: GWAAAAHHH! (gets engulfed by the blast)
VEGETA: GOT HIM! MERRY CHRISTMAS FOR VEGETA!
GOKU: Vegeta, noooo!
VEGETA: Vegeta, YEESS!
PICCOLO: Okay, so did we just...save Christmas? ...Again?
GOKU: No. It's ruined. (crying) We killed Santaaa!
SANTA: You fools! You cannot kill Santa! (a green orb begins forming)
GOKU: I knew it!
(the orb forms into a red humanoid monster)
SANTA: Prince of the Saiyans... "Yule" regret your actions against the mighty Claus!
VEGETA: Ah, "yule". Like the log, right--? (Santa charges at him) Oh, holy night--! AARRRGGH! (gets punched *hard* by Santa and is sent flying away)
SANTA: What you destroyed was merely a leftover shell from my...Christmas Eve-olution. You see, Saiyans...you're not dealing with the average Father Christmas, anymore.
GOKU: Oh my God, he's gone Super Santa!
SANTA: And I'm a right grumpy old elf!
(Santa proceeds to punch Goku and Trunks in the face with both of his fists, slams Gohan to the ground with his foot and headbutts Piccolo and then kicks him away)
PICCOLO: Oh! I'm out! (crashes into a wall)
VEGETA: Eat your milk and cookies in Hell!! (fires a ki blast at Santa) Yippee-ki-yay... (the smoke clears and Santa appears unaffected) MOTHERFUCKER!
SANTA: (turns around to face Vegeta and begins charging up his attack) You better watch out.
VEGETA: Umm...
SANTA: You better not cry.
GOKU: (thinking) Aw, this is my jam!
SANTA: You better not pout, but you're gonna die.
GOKU: (thinking) I don't like this version...
SANTA: Santa Claus is taking you down. Garland Gun...
VEGETA: U-WOT-M8?
SANTA: FIRRRREEE!! (fires a green blast at Vegeta)
VEGETA: Shit!
(A massive explosion is seen outside Santa's workshop. Vegeta is seen injured and upside-down in a wall.)
TRUNKS: (approaches Vegeta) Why did you just stand there?
VEGETA: Haha, it is the last thing he'd expect.
TRUNKS: Merry Christmas, Dad.
(Gohan lands on the ground and Santa approaches him)
GOKU: I got you, so--! (Santa punches him) WAAH!
SANTA: What child is this, who laid to rest on Santa's lap, is bleeding?!
(Slams Gohan into the ground, who lets out a painful scream. Santa fires another blast to finish him off, but the blast is deflected by another blast shot from Piccolo.)
PICCOLO: Not really feeling the "goodwill towards men", up in here.
SANTA: I'm all out of goodwill, but here's a stocking-stuffer for you! (prepares another blast)
PICCOLO: Starting to get real sick of these Christmas pu-- (Santa blast him) UH-BUH-BA, BUH-BA!
GOHAN: Mr. Piccolo! I'll punch your Christmas lights ou--! (Santa elbows him in the face) GAH-UUHG!
(Santa punches Trunks and proceeds to pummel him and Gohan simultaneously)
GOKU: (thinking) Oh man, this is bad! They're getting parum-pum-pum-pummeled up there! Think, Goku. How do we save Christmas? Wait... that's it! I see now! (out loud) Guys! I figured out his weakness!
SANTA: Ho ho... oooh?
(Goku engages Santa in combat, which ends with Santa once again charging his signature attack)
GOKU: You see, Santa? Christmas isn't about the presents...! (evades Santa's blast) It's not about the figgy pudding...! (gets hit by another blast shot by Santa) Or the pretty lights...or the obnoxiously catchy music. And most of all... It's not about you! (Santa groans) KAAAAAA... (begins charging a Kamehamehawave and powers up)
SANTA: (charges up one more Garland Gun) Fools! I'll crush your Christmas spirits, and then I'll send this naughty world to oblivion!
(Trunks and Gohan land next to Goku)
PICCOLO: Goku's right! (starts charging a Special Beam Cannon) Christmas is about the bonds that bring us together!
TRUNKS: It's about friends! (prepares to use Burning Attack and powers up)
GOHAN: And family! (prepares to use Masenko and powers up)
VEGETA: And killing Santa! (prepares to use Final Flash and powers up)
GOKU: And that's the true meaning of Christmas! HAAAAA!! (ki his blast)
VEGETA: HAAAAA!! (ki his blast)
TRUNKS: HAAAAA!! (ki his blast)
PICCOLO: HAAAAA!! (ki his blast)
GOHAN: HAAAAA!! (ki his blast)
SANTA: Ho! HO! NOOOOooooooooo!!! (gets engulfed by the blast and destroys his body, his spirit, and his workshop—which is starting to explode)
GOKU: And now... He's Feliz Navi-dead.
GOHAN: And that's the last Christmas pun.
(Goku pops everyone out of Santa's workshop, which detonates and destroys the Star of Death-lehem and evaporates the fog around the Earth)
(Cut to outside Goku's house with silhouettes of Krillin and Chi-Chi's heads appearing inside the house. Goku, Vegeta, Trunks, Piccolo, Gohan, and Piccolo's all heads pops in inside.)
GOKU: Woah! Hey guys!
KRILLIN: Hey Goku, Gohan, Vegeta, Piccolo, and Trunks!
CHI-CHI: Gohan, where have you two been?
GOHAN: We went to go see Santa.
CHI-CHI: Awww.
VEGETA: And we killed him!
CHI-CHI: Ohhhh.
KRILLIN: Huh. Guess you had to be there. Anyway, who wants eggnog? (credits begin to roll)
GOKU: Ooh, me!
TRUNKS: Honestly, this is the best Christmas I've ever had.
VEGETA: Damn right. A proper Saiyan Christmas!
PICCOLO: You know, a lot of people probably died in that smoke.
GOKU: Oh. Well, we can wish them all back...tomorrow!
VEGETA: YES! BOXING DAY! (a punching sound is heard)
KRILLIN: Ahh! My 'nog!
GOKU: Merry Christmas to all! And to all, a good fight!
(In memory of Hiromi Tsuru, March 29, 1960-November 16, 2017)
[YouTube OUTRO]
KAISERNEKO: Hey folks! Hope you enjoyed Plan to Eradicate Christmas! If you did, how about you take a sleigh ride over to our Discord and chat up other fans about it, and all the other projects we got going on? You can also ask us questions in the Q&A channel, post and view fan art, and more! Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and lots of love, from Team Four Star!
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