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[DISCLAIMER]

GARLIC JR.: Don't be a dummy! Give them your money!

(cut to Kame House, where Master Roshi, Yamcha, Bulma, Oolong, Puar, Krillin, and Maron are standing back as Gohan is consulting with Chi-Chi)

GOHAN: Mom... (camera takes shots of each of the characters' shocked faces) This is an intervention. We love you. We all support you, but your manner of raising me has been too strict, and too harsh. Like my new tutor.

(cut to flashback)

TUTOR: (while cracking whip at Gohan's back, while Gohan is studying) LEARN! LEARN! LEARN! ARE YOU LEARNING YET?

GOHAN: (turns around) I don't know. Did Caligula get his comeuppance?

TUTOR: GOOD! IT'S WORKING!

(the Tutor continues to whip Gohan's back more)

TUTOR: LEARN! LEARN! LEARN! LEARN!

(Gohan sighs)

(cut to present)

GOHAN: I know that you love me. But it seems your only way of expressing it, is theoretical math, and organic chemistry. So please, put the tiger mom back in the cage, and then maybe, Dad will come home.

(Chi-Chi slaps Gohan, knocking him out)

[OPENING SEQUENCE]

(however, the opening sequence is immediately cut by a caption displayed in white on a black background, displaying "DBZ ABRIDGED KAI II.9")

(scene changes to Kami's Lookout)

KRILLIN: And that's why we're on The Lookout, but it kinda seems like you've got another thing going on.

(camera shows the Spice Boys)

SPICE: We are the Spice Boys. So stop, and move over. Because we are about to spice up your life! I am Spice.

VINEGAR: Hey. Name's Vinegar.

TARD: And my name is... (pauses, face morphing to an embarrassed expression) ...is Tard.

KRILLIN: Excuse you?

TARD: Like "mustard"! Come on, guys! Please don't make a big deal out of this! It's cultural, okay?

VINEGAR: Pfft, I shorten Vinegar all the time, but you don't hear me calling myself N--

SPICE: Vinny! Dammit, you're going to get us all in trouble again. Don't make us kick you out like we did with Baby Spice.

(flashback to Baby from Dragon Ball GT, AKA Baby Spice)

BABY SPICE: Whenever I got out of town on business, I like to do my research on where I'm going. What are the local hot-spots, the bar scene, the age of consent; make the best of my time, y'know?

(cut back to present)

ENEMA: And I'm Enema.

(cut to a scene from the movie Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi)

ADMIRAL PIETT: It's an older reference, sir, but it checks out.

(cut back to Kami's Lookout, to where a figure is walking out of the building)

KRILLIN: (off-screen) Wait. Is that...? (figure reveals to be Garlic Jr.) Garlic Jr.! Weren't you trapped in another dimension never to escape?

GARLIC JR.: Yes. I escaped.

KRILLIN: Oh no!

GARLIC JR: Quite. And now, I've captured Kami, and released the Black Water Mist upon the planet. (holds up a glass container containing Kami)

KAMI: (muffled) It's actually something Popo's been fermenting for a couple hundred years. He says it's great for vape pens and butt chugging.

GARIC JR.: Ew.

SPICE: And now, with the help of the Makyo Star, we're going to wipe out all of the Earth's defenses.

GOHAN: Please, we got Piccolo, and he'd beat up Second Form Frieza. What are you gonna--?

(camera views Piccolo struggling with Spice, growling like a dog)

GOHAN: Oh great. He's on bath salts too. (Piccolo continues growling like a dog)

ENEMA: Time to get the shit out! (tackles Gohan, knocking him out)

KRILLIN: Gohan!

(Tard punches Krillin in the gut, long moment of silence)

KRILLIN: Fuck! (passes out)

TARD: You and I are gonna have a real gas.

KRILLIN: (recovering) The long-term effects of mustard gas on soldiers in World War II was horrific. Why would y--?

(Tard grabs Krillin's head, then slams it into his knee, then the other, then the other, eleven times before kicking his face, knocking him down)

KRILLIN: (grunts in pain) AW, FINALLY! (lands on the ground)

TARD: By the way, it was World War I.

KRILLIN: (recovering) Right, I know. You just, like, you start saying "World War", and you kinda want to say "II". Y'know, it's like with Terminator. Everybody knows there's a first one but everybody's always talking about the seq--

(Tard fires an energy wave at Krillin, electrocuting him)

KRILLIN: WAUUUUUGH! (faints)

GOHAN: Krillin! Oh my God, are you okay?

KRILLIN: Man. I'm glad we skipped this the first time.

GOHAN: Well where's Vegeta? He can help us.

KRILLIN: Apparently, he went out to space to find your dad.

(cut to Vegeta on another planet)

VEGETA: Alright. I've checked everywhere except for planets Yardrat and Vampa. Wait a minute... Am I floating in space? Man, (chuckles) it's a good thing I'm in a part of the galaxy where there's air.

(cut back to Kami's Lookout)

ENEMA: (towards Tard) So I told the bitch, "Don't worry! Once I'm all up in your guts, you're gonna feel fresh and clean!"

GOHAN: HAAAAH! (fires an energy wave at Enema)

ENEMA: HOLY SHIT! UUUUUUUGH!

(Gohan's energy wave catches Enema, who disintegrates)

TARD: Enema! Noooo! (turns to Gohan) I mean, we actually hated him, so I'm not really heartbroken over it, but I've been using his HBO Go account, and while I'm not into Game of Thrones, I'm really enjoying Silicon Valley--

GOHAN: (fires an energy wave from midair at Tard) HAAAUGH!

(Gohan's energy wave catches Tard)

TARD: FUCK! (disintegrates)

KRILLIN: Holy shit, Gohan. Did you just kill two people?

GOHAN: (fiercely, powering up) I now have a taste for blood! (flies down to Garlic Jr.)

GARLIC JR.: Why are you like that, though?

VINEGAR: Spice, release the cokehead.

SPICE: Sic 'em, boy! (releases Piccolo)

PICCOLO: RAUGH--!

(fourth wall break, as the "video" pauses)

(camera pans a view over Kaiserneko sitting at his computer, working on the script for "Garlic Jr Kai")

KAISERNEKO: (turns to his cast crew) Guys, what should we do with this scene?

LANIPATOR: (rises from his seat, high on cocaine, speaking rapidly and growling) We-should-do-a-"Dodge!"-joke! We haven't done one in forever. People f-f-f-fucking love them, and we made the goddamn shirt! WE FUCKING DO IT! (slams his fist on his cocaine, spraying white powder all over him)

KAISERNEKO: (shakes head) Maybe? I don't know. Kurt, what do you think?

(Kaiserneko and Lanipator turn to Takahata101, who is drinking wine from its box. Takahata101 puts a thumbs-up in agreement)

KAISERNEKO: Alright. "Dodge!" joke it is.

LANIPATOR: (cheering) FUCK YEAH! (knocks the wine box from Takahata101's hands, who retaliates by slapping Lanipator across the cheek) DAUGH!

(cut back to the Lookout)

PICCOLO: DODGE! (punches Gohan in the face)

GOHAN: (flying from the blow) AUGH! (lands on hard ground)

(Gohan is hardly able to recover)

GARLIC JR.: Good. Now choke him. Choke the shit out of him!

(Piccolo grabs his hands around Gohan's neck)

GOHAN: (straining) Harder...!

PICCOLO: (surprised) Woah!

GARLIC JR.: (surprised) Woah!

VINEGAR: (surprised) Bro!

SPICE: (surprised) What?!

KRILLIN: (surprised) Jesus, what?!

GOHAN: (straining) Fight it... harder, Mr. Piccolo...!

PICCOLO: (relieved) Oh. Thank Kami.

GARLIC JR.: (relieved) Oh good, good. Back to the choking, then.

PICCOLO: Nah. It's weird now. You made it weird, Gohan. (releases Gohan, then kicks him away) Now I'm hungry. (picks up Krillin)

KRILLIN: Wait. Wait! WAIT!

(Piccolo chomps on Krillin's back)

KRILLIN: (sexually aroused) Mmmm...! (gets thrown out of the Lookout by Piccolo, falling) Yeeeeeeeeeeeee...t!

GOHAN: Please, Mr. Piccolo! Don't let the Black Water Mist control you!

SPICE: No, no. We gave him cocaine. Did you not hear us?

GOHAN: ...Wha--?

SPICE: It's a spice.

VINEGAR: Spice of life.

KAMI: (muffled) Mr. Popo leaves it lying around. I made French toast the other week, and it was a bad time. Well at first, it was a good time. Very productive day, but then... it wasn't.

GARLIC JR.: ...I want some coke-toast.

(Piccolo swats Gohan in front of Spice and Vinegar)

GARLIC JR.: Alright, Piccolo. Make like an anti-vaxxer and murder this child!

SPICE: Getting a little heavy-handed with the social commentary, aren't we?

VINEGAR: Art should be controversial, man.

PICCOLO: Actually, hold on. Wanna see something gross?

GARLIC JR.: I don't really do gross.

(Piccolo squeezes his neck, spurting purple fluid)

GARLIC JR.: Oh God, guy, what are you--?

(Piccolo squeezes his neck more, spurting out more purple fluid)

GARLIC JR.: Oh--Oh no--No--No don't--I--I can't--I can't do gro--

(Piccolo does two hard squeezes to his neck, squirting out a lot of purple fluid)

GARLIC JR.: I'm gonna throw up. I'm gonna throw up!

(a stream of purple fluid is bursting out from Piccolo's neck, having Garlic Jr. vomiting)

GARLIC JR.: Blaaaaugh!

SPICE: Hey, Vinny? I think the coke's worn off-- (gets kicked by Piccolo, being knocked back)

PICCOLO: (growling) More! I need more!

SPICE: Alright, man. Jesus. I-I'm sure there's more around here somewhere--

(Gohan tackles Spice to a horn on the wall, impaling him)

PICCOLO: NOOOOOOO! MY COCAIIIIIINE!

GOHAN: Mr. Piccolo, I've had one intervention today, and I will NOT have another!

VINEGAR: Ugh. Okay, this place is killing my high. I'm out. (stands up to leave)

(camera shows Garlic Jr.'s disappointed face, as sounds of footsteps and a door opening and closing can be heard)

GARLIC JR.: ...Are you fucking me right now?! (fists soften) You know what? Fine. I'm a strong independent demon who don't need no henchmen.

(Garlic Jr. powers up with a Mario power-up sound effect, then jumps in front of a surprised Krillin)

GARLIC JR.: (deeper, more fierce voice) Imagine my shlong in this form!

KRILLIN: (aroused) Mmmmm...!

GOHAN: Oh, God. He's giant and immortal! There's literally no way to defeat him!

GARLIC JR.: That's right, fuck-boys! Now behold...

(a huge spot in the sky, revealing an abyss in the rift)

GARLIC JR.: ...the terrifying abyss that is the Dead Zone! For banishing me before, you shall suffer that same gruesome fate forever! And... (eyes widen) Wait... Did I...? I just did it again, didn't I? I literally just did the exact same thing that got me an L last time! What am I doing? This is exactly what my therapist told me not to do!

KAMI: (having somehow escaped) We're very happy of you for seeking help.

GARLIC JR.: I'm doing it for me, but I appreciate the support. Anyway, nobody move. Nobody do anything. I'm going to close it up, and then I'm going to let my immortality wear you down, and--

(Garlic Jr. gets a bullet lodged into his forehead, causing him to faint and become sucked into the Dead Zone again. Camera pans to reveal Alucard, who is holding his two guns)

ALUCARD: Kept you waiting, huh? (roster shows Alucard posing with the caption "Alucard Goes For a Walk!" with the Super Smash Bros. Ultimate theme playing)

(cut to Goku's house, where Gohan is sleeping at his desk)

GOHAN: (wakes up) Uhh! (sits up at his desk) What did I just watch--I mean... dream? Wow. I certainly wouldn't like and subscribe to that. Or hit the bell icon to stay updated with notifications. Definitely wouldn't check out any Patreon either.

(Gohan is suddenly lashed in the back by a whip)

TUTOR: NO SLEEPING DURING YOUR LESSONS! (continues lashing at Gohan) LEARN! LEARN! LEARN! LEARN! LEARN! LEARN! LEARN!

[ENDING SEQUENCE]

[STINGER]

CARLEEN MORRIGAN: Hello. You're listening to ZPR. I'm Carleen Morrigan, and tonight, we're joined by Vinegar, author of this year's bestselling novel: The Fault in Our Makyo Stars. Now, in this book, you refer to yourself as "The Big Dumb Stupid One". Why is that?

VINEGAR: Because at the time, that's the role I made for myself, y'know? Or rather, allowed other people to make for me. Too often, we fall into the preconceptions laid out by society, because we don't know anything else, right? That's what this book is about. It's about changing who you are, and hopefully, those around you.

CARLEEN MORRIGAN: And do you feel bad about all the people you massacred in your conquest throughout space?

VINEGAR: (sighs) To paraphrase Alexander Pope, if I may: "To err is demon; to forgive, divine." And I believe we are not the sum of our past mistakes, but rather the direction of our future.

CARLEEN MORRIGAN: Wise words from not a big dumb stupid man. Thank you, Mr. (bleep).

VINEGAR: Oh wow. Um... It's "Vinny", actually.

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