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MIKASA: Did you have that weird dream again?
EREN: Yes! Gahh...
EREN: (voiceover) My name is Eren Jaeger. I'm 10 years old. I live within the walls with my family. I spend most of my days with my adopted sister Mikasa. I met her a long time ago during a summer trip.
(Flips to Eren stabbing the kidnappers)
EREN: (voiceover) And it got REALLY crazy when the third guy showed up.
(Flips to the kidnapper scene again with Mikasa running with a knife and screaming)
EREN: (voiceover) I live with her and the rest of my family: my mother and my supportive father.
EREN: Dad, when I grow up I want to invent ice cream!
EREN'S DAD: That's okay, son, when I was your age I had stupid dreams too!
MIKASA: Like being a supportive father who's around for his children?
EREN'S MOM: Mmhm.
EREN'S DAD: Aha, it's funny you say that! 'Cause I'm leaving today!
EREN: But, dad, what about that thing in the basement?
EREN'S DAD: Ahh I'll show you when I get back.
EREN'S DAD: Yeeeaaaahhhh...Mmhm.
EREN: (voiceover) And of course you can't forget about my best friend Armin.
(Flips to Armin getting beat up)
ARMIN: Oh yeah, see, so you guys are gonna beat me up now huh? This is why I called you guys assholes in the first place, you know, it's good!
(While Eren is narrating, sounds of Armin getting beat up come from the background)
ARMIN: (in background) I come from a military family!
EREN: (voiceover) We all live happily together in this peaceful city. And nothing's ever gonna change that. But part of me always wished for some sort of adventure...
(Colossal Titan appears)
EREN: (voiceover) Why did I wish for this adventure?
CITIZEN #1: Holy shit is that a titan?
CITIZEN #2: You know, I heard they'd be naked but that's a lot more naked than I expected-
MAN: My leg!
EREN: I-It's okay! Maybe the titans can't get in!
MIKASA: They're in.
ARMIN: Dammit Eren you keep jinxing shit! And your house is right there!
(Eren and Mikasa run towards their house)
ANNOUNCER: Attention, everyone. The outside wall has been breached and titans have began entering the city. Please make your way to the Wall Maria exit in a calm and orderly fashion. In the meantime, we will be playing soothing music for your leisure.
(music starts playing)
CITIZEN #3: Oh, that's nice.
ANNOUNCER: We will now be turning up the music.
(music is now louder)
ARMIN: Ye-You know what? I woke up today... and... I realised I hate everyone! And this happens, so... today's a win!
EREN: Mom, are you okay?
EREN'S MOM: Mhmm-mm.
EREN: Is it because the house is on you?
EREN'S MOM: Mmhm.
EREN: Do you want me and Mikasa to save you?
EREN'S MOM: MMHM!
EREN: Mikasa, use your super-strenght or something!
MIKASA: There's a titan coming.
EREN'S MOM: Mm-mm! Mm-hmmm! Mmm!!!
HANNES: Don't worry kids! It's time... for HANNES!
HANNES: Get your mom out of there. I'll take care of this titan lickity-split! Gyaaaa- *gasp*
(Hannes stares at the Grinning Titan and it stares back at him a few times, until Hannes pees himself)
HANNES: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! Alright kids, say goodbye to mom!
EREN'S MOM: Mmmmm!
EREN: No! I can't see this! Turn me around! Turn me around!
HANNES: We can't turn around kid! She's gone!
(The titan eats Eren's mom)
SOLDIER #1: Alright guys, most of the citizens have made it through the gate! Keep laying down and surpressing barrage until they're all through! Then we'll be home free!
(Giant titan appears)
SOLDIER #1: What? No, seriously guys, what the actual hell is that?
(Titan starts running)
SOLDIER #1: Whatever it is, SHOOT IT! SHOOT IT SHOOT IT SHOOT IT!
(Titan keeps running)
SOLDIER #1: Oh, SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Titan destroys the wall)
CITIZEN #4: Oh, fuck that guy!
NARRATOR: And so hundreds of thousands of people died and the outer world was taken over by titans. And the survivors were forced into refugee camps where they didn't have enough food so even more people died. Yay! But, how are Eren and the gang getting by?
EREN: Guys! I know how to solve all of our problems.
(flips to Eren talking to 2 soldiers)
SOLDIER #2: You want more food kid?
SOLDIER #2: Then you should fuckin' join the military! You can get all the food you want!
SOLDIER #2: Yeah! And you can also do stuff like this!
(Soldiers punch and kick Eren)
EREN: That sounds awesome!
(flips to Eren with Mikasa and Armin)
EREN: We'll join the military! We can get all the food, authority and VENGEANCE that we ever wanted! I know we've been going through some rough times lately... I mean... My mom died... And the rest of Armin's family died...
ARMIN: Ahagha I'm alright! Everything worked out for us!
EREN: Armin! Not all of us can be like you and love the fact that our parents are dead! Except for Mikasa. 'Cause hers were murdered right in front of her. I guess now I can understand why she's so messed up in the h- (Mikasa punches him)
MIKASA: The military sounds great.
EREN: Yeah *cough*
[3 YEARS LATER]
SHADIS: Alright, you poop nobblers! Now I don't want no screwin' around with you batch of meat tossers! Last group thought it'd be funny shove a corn cob up a trainees' bunghole! And you know what happened? (Silence) They were asked to leave politely. And it was awkward (voice crack) for everyone!
(goes to Armin)
SHADIS: Alright Arian coconut! What's your name?
SHADIS: Well, sweet Mother Theresa on the hood of a Mercedes-Benz, you sound like a majestic fucking eagle! Do you sing?
SHADIS: Harmonize with me maggot!
ARMIN: I don't know if I ca-
(epic head crack)
SHADIS: Wha' about you, muffin top? What's your story?
JEAN: Ah well my name's Jean Kirschtein from Trost and after I ace this academy, I'll be joining the military police.
SHADIS: Wow. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
JEAN: Oh, well thank you so mu-
(Shadis hits Jean's head and he falls on the ground crying)
SHADIS: Now listen up, you double-decker pig fart! You don't get to join the military police 'till after you pull your head out of your hamster hole! (to Bertholdt) What about you, freckles? Where do you see yourself in three years?
BERTHOLDT: I plan to give my body in service to the king, sir!
SHADIS: Ah. Ah, you think this is Harem of the Dead, you shrimp-dicked fuck nugget?! Boy, if you can't even pull a protractor out of your wiener slot and turn then you shouldn't even bother trying to be with the king! (To Connie) Well, sweet Jolly fucking Ranchers I bet your mom wishes she had swallowed you!
SASHA: ( eating a potato and gulping )
SHADIS: So. What's going on in this neck of the woods? You got something to eat there?
SASHA: Yeah, I'm just...eating a potato.
SHADIS: Ah. Potatoes, eh? You, uh... you like some "po'tates"?
SASHA: ( munching continues, grunts affirmatively )
SHADIS: All right. ( clicks tongue ) Well, uh, from now on... you'll be known as Potato Girl.
SASHA: ( munching ) I don't like that name.
SHADIS: You know... those are actually quite high in calories. You, uh... you know what's a real good way for burning off calories?
SASHA: ( munching, mouth full ): What?
(Scene changes to Sasha running laps around the training grounds, panting heavily and blubbering inelegantly )
( Cut to the recruits sitting in the barracks lunchroom )
THOMAS: ( stilted inflections ): Whoa, Eren! That is amazing! Tell us more about that giant Titan you could totally beat up!
EREN: I'm not saying that I could take him with one arm... but I could totally take him with one arm.
( crowd gasps )
CONNIE: Oh my god, Eren! You're so fuckin' cool! Holy shit!
EREN: Thanks for the awkward praise, Connie.
CONNIE: ( coughs weirdly )
EREN: But don't worry. Stick with me, guys and we'll have our vengeance-
JEAN: (laughs condescendingly) Now I may just be a well-educated chap from...clearly a better class but I'm pretty sure that if they stuck with you they would be one leg short of a full set.
EREN: The fuck did you just say?!
JEAN: Passion alone is impressive but do you know the true key to surviving Titans? Not fighting them at all and enjoying a nice cushy life with the Military Police! High five?
( Eren stares at Jean wordlessly, then walks away )
JEAN ( thinking ): Was it something I say-
( Jean stammers and hyperventilates as Mikasa walks past him )
JEAN: I've never seen a creature quite so-
MIKASA: I'm not into guys with vaginas.
JEAN (distraught): Oh!
CONNIE: ( laughs derisively as Mikasa walks away )
EREN: Guys! You've got to help me with the 3-D Gear!
REINER: Dude, it's not our fault you suck.
( flashback to Eren trying and failing to use the 3-D gear)
EREN: ( astounded yell, grunt )
SHADIS: What's the matter, Jaeger? It's too difficult for ya? Well, if you want to quit, that's fine. We got plenty of job openings at the custodial department so you can clean up your shit performance!!! Why can't you be more like that majestic stallion Jean over there?!
JEAN: ( Jean laughs egotistically )
CONNIE: Oh my god, Jean! You're so fuckin' cool! Holy shit!
EREN: No, but seriously. Fuck Jean. I hate him.
REINER: Yeah, he is kind of a prick but he is good at what he does.
ARMIN: Being a prick?
( everyone else laughs )
REINER: You know who gives the best advice on Gears? Bertholdt right here.
BERTHOLDT: Whoa...oh...umm... I'll just "Ber-tell" you what I "Ber-told" him. You just got to go out there and do it. Just loosen up and be tight at the same time.
EREN: That's it?
ARMIN: Ah, you know what, he makes a ( unintelligible ) he makes a good point! You know, it's gotta be the same with your power!
REINER: ( laughs ) This guy's great!
(cuts to Eren trying and now succeeding to use the 3-D gear)
EREN: ( determined grunts )
SHADIS: Well, sweet Pacific Rim-job. Look at you, Jaeger! You're all loose and tight at the same time! Jean! Why can't you be more like Jaeger-Bombastic over here?!
JEAN: ( sobs )
CONNIE: Oh my God, Jean! You suck!
SHADIS: Hope you've enjoyed your first stage of training, ladies. And boys, I'm not sexist, but I sure do hope you've made plenty of friends. Because now you need to try and kill them.
(Cut to the squad training hand-to-hand combat, Eren and Reiner fighting)
(Reiner yelling, impact landing, grunts )
REINER: Haha! Nice. Now it's your turn to be the starving orphan with the knife.
EREN: Don't you think the title of this training is a little inappropriate?
REINER: Don't you think you should be trying to stab me for food, you orphan?
JEAN: I'm not gonna fight you. You're dirty! ( punch lands ) Ow!
REINER: Oh, hey. Look who's trying to skip out on training.
EREN: Well. If it isn't Bitchface McGee...
REINER: She is totally a bitch! (Facing Annie) So, by being an unlikable bitch do you think people are gonna like you ironically?
( Annie and Eren grunt as Annie throws him to the ground )
EREN: Why me?!
REINER: Dude, look at how big I am. I'm a beast! ( is thrown to the ground by Annie as well ) Oh you're a beast!
EREN ( thinking ): I don't have a witty retort for that. That's just funny. (speaking, towards Annie) Hey. Who taught you how to fight?
ANNIE: My dad. Who taught you how to fight?
( Flashback to Eren's childhood, he is struggling against his father holding a syringe )
EREN'S DAD: Now, son. Stop being a faggot and take your medicine!
EREN (panicking): No, daddy! YAMETE (stop it)!!!
( Flashback ends )
EREN ( hesitantly ): My...dad.
( Cut to the recruits sitting in the barracks lunchroom )
THOMAS: Oh my God! I can't believe we are graduating tomorrow! This is crazy! It seems like we started yesterday!
CONNIE: I know, right?! ( coughs, snorts )
JEAN: Let me tell you something, Marco. You the first thing I'm gonna do when I graduate at the top of the class and join the Military Police? Not getting eaten by Titans! ( smug laughter )
EREN: Titans are my trigger!!!
JEAN: Oh, what? Are you upset because your mom got nommed by a Titan?
EREN: Shut up man! You don't know what I've been through!
( Flashback to Mikasa forcefeeding Eren bread as he sobs, flashback ends )
EREN: That bread tasted awful!
JEAN: You know who could have made better bread? Your mom! Too bad she was eaten by a Titan!
EREN (furiously): If I grew up to be a pompous ass like you I'd wish my mom was deadso she wouldn't have to see me!!!
SHADIS: (appear at the slightly ajar door) Excellent comeback there, Jaeger-Bombastic. How would you follow suit, Jean-y boy?
JEAN: Uh, oh. Um... I think I was gonna loop back to something about...bread?
SHADIS: Well. That may just work, actually. But you know what might work better? ( shouting ): Going to fuck to sleep!!!
( door slams, Connie coughs )
JEAN: Even if I'm not number one... I'll still be better than you!
( Cut to graduation ceremony )
GRADUATION OFFICER: Since you have all successfully graduated you may now choose between three different paths... the Garrison, where you guard the walls and occasionally, when no one is looking, spit and piss off the edge and for the incredibly stupid -- brave... the Recon Corps, where you can go out and fight Titans in their own territory and finally, the Military Police, where you serve the king and push around civilians. However, this path is only available to the top ten.
JEAN: ( thinking ): I can't believe Jaeger got 5 and I got 6! ( grumbles incoherently )
GRADUATION OFFICER: And now, before you make your decison there is one special perdition that must be performed by every graduating class. You are all going to...
( Cut to the squad on top of the wall )
EREN: I can't believe we have to clean the walls.
CONNIE: I'm sick and tired of all this shit!
EREN: You said it, Connie!
THOMAS: Come on, guys! Look at the bright side!
EREN: What bright side?
THOMAS: I don't know! But when we find it we should look on it!
EREN: I fucking hate you, Thomas!
CONNIE: Thomas, you suck!
SASHA: Hey guys! I don't want you to panic... but I stole some meat from Shardis!
BERTHOLDT: Oh, my God! Why would you do that?
SASHA: Don't worry. It was a gift from his family. It will "totes" be worth it! ( coy laughter, vibrator buzzes )
CONNIE: I have the most awkward boner!
SASHA: If you guys don't want any... ( whispering ): I'll put it in my special box! ( closes box lid, laughs quietly )
EREN: ( narrating ): We all survived the fall of Wall Maria... and we survived our training.We went through all these hardships together as friends. And now... we're moving forward. Starting today... we take the fight to the Titans!
( thunder, Gipsy Danger Jaeger horn sounding as the Colossal Titan appears )
( people screaming as the wall gets kicked in )
( Eren yells as he falls down, grunts while catching himself with the 3-D gear, gasps )
CONNIE: Aww, shit! The wall's broken and the Titans are gonna get in! And the people are gonna get eaten by the Titans! And the land will get taken over by the Titans!
EREN ( yelling ): Titan!!! (faces the Colossal Titan) Hey. It's been five years. How about a nice slice of vengeance?
( main theme from Pacific Rim playing )
EREN: ( grunts as he swings around the Colossal Titan ) You'll never get me like that! All you hit were our defensive... ( defeated tone ): cannons. Shit. I guess you're not as stupid as you look! You're even stupider 'cause you're fighting me! ( yells as he swings towards the Colossal Titan, intent on hitting it, just then it vanishes ) Aww!
THOMAS: Eren! Did you kill the Colossal Titan?!
EREN ( sarcastically ): Oh yeah! Totally! Can't you see its giant dead body?!
THOMAS: Are you being sarcastic?!
EREN: OF COURSE I'M BEING SARCASTIC!!!
KITTS VERMAN: All right, everyone! Listen up! It is confirmed that, yes, Titans are in the city and yes, you are going to have to fight them even though you're all fresh out of training! This may seem strange to you, however we believe... that youth will outweigh experience in this situation which is why I will be commanding from this well-fortified castle! ( calmly ): You deploy in fifteen minutes.
MALE TRAINEE (panicked): WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!
( Cut to Armin, Eren and Mikasa in the gas tank room )
EREN: Armin! What the hell is wrong?
ARMIN: You know what, Eren?! Yes, it's not likely I was out today and I went upstairs, right?! 'Cause I'm in charge of the gas tanks- TINK TINK - and I go upstairs... I ask where the gas is, you know because, you know, we are about to go on the offensive! And then he says, "We don't have any gas. We only have enough for regular patrols." I don't think they're FULLY PREPARED FOR THIS OFFENSIVE!!!
EREN: You make good points, Armin! Maybe that'll help us out when we're going headfirst into danger.
ARMIN: ( growls )
( Scene changes to Jean walking through the city streets )
JEAN ( thinking ): I can't believe I actually have to use my Titan-killing training to kill actual Titans! This could not get any worse! ( grunts as he runs into Eren ) Oh! You!
EREN: What did you just say?
JEAN: Wall broken down? Titans in the city? People dying? I bet you were wishing for this to happen... Jaeger-Bombastic?! ( grunts as Eren pushes him against a wall )
EREN: I want you to shut up and fucking listen for once. No one cares about you...or what you want. All everyone wants to do is make it through today. If you can manage that then you can fuck off to the inner wall and jerk off like the chicken shit you are!
JEAN: ( bawling )
MIKASA: I want to have sex with you really bad right now.
EREN: God! Don't make it gay, Mikasa!
( Cuts to the squad, led by Eren, on a roof facing the wall )
EREN: You ready, Armin? After all these years, we can finally strike back!
ARMIN: Uh, I am, man! We're gonna fuck 'em up the ass! ( laughs )
EREN: God! Don't make it gay, Armin!
THOMAS: Don't worry, guys! Together, there's nothing we can't accomplish!
EREN: You know what? I agree with you, Thomas. We have our training, our friends and our passion that burns deep in our souls! Let's go!
( Stand Out from A Goofy Movie plays as everyone runs/flies towards the fight , suddenly Eren grunts in pain as a Titan bites off his legs, he falls down on the rooftops )
EREN: No! No! No! ( yells ) Ah, I should be dead.
( man screams )
THOMAS: I think one got me! ( gets swallowed by a Titan ) Yep, it definitely got me!
ARMIN: ( shuddering, exasperated sigh ) God help us. Huh? ( looks at a small, bearded Titan approaching ) Oh, hey God! (gets grabbed by said Titan) Oh no, no! Please God, no! Eren!!! I LOVE YOU!!!
EREN: ( groaning weakly, flourish of Attack on Titan fight theme playing as he gets up)
ARMIN (sliding down the Titan's throat): Eren!!!
EREN: ( grunting as he grabs Armin's arm )
EREN: ( yells with effort as he tosses Armin out throw the Titan's mouth )
ARMIN: ( yells as he hits the roof ) Oh-hoh! Eren!
EREN: ( breathing heavily ) Armin! Armin.
ARMIN: Yeah yeah yeah!
EREN: I'm gonna need -- I'm just gonna need you to listen to me, all right?
ARMIN: Yeah I was listening!
EREN: Okay okay, I-I want you to reach in-
ARMIN: Okay, reach in!
EREN: Armin -- Armin, listen to me!
EREN: All right, all right. Reach in...
ARMIN: Yeah, just reach in!
EREN: ...and pull me out on three, all right?
ARMIN: Yeah! On the count of three?
EREN: On the count of three, okay?
( EPIC CRUNCH!!! )
( theme from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia playing )