The following is the transcript for Episode 2 of Final Fantasy VII Machinabridged.
(Biggs, Wedge, Jessie, and Barret are on a train.)
WEDGE: Yeah, no, I understand we ditched him and all, but is he gonna be okay?
BARRET: Probably not.
(Cut to Cloud being headed off by Shinra soldiers)
CLOUD: Aw, shit!
(Cut back to the train)
BARRET: 'Cause I get the vibe he pisses people off pretty easily.
(Cut back to Cloud, who is headed off by more soldiers)
CLOUD: Assholes have to help assholes, right?!
(Cut back to the train)
BIGGS: Is that gonna be a problem?
BARRET: Not for us.
WEDGE: Ohoho, man! Can you imagine how PISSED he'd be if he makes it?
(The train door slides open, and Cloud flips in)
CLOUD: HEY GUYS REMEMBER ME?!
(The rest of AVALANCHE screams. The FF7MA Intro Sequence begins. Cut to the Sector 7 Train Station)
BARRET: Alright everybody, huddle up! We meet at the usual place.
CLOUD: And where is that?
ALL: The bar!
CLOUD: (seething) Thank you.
BARRET: Alright, y'all. When we get to the bar, we need to discuss our next plan of action. So if there's anyone there, the key is to politely, and calmly, ask them to--
(Cut to outside the Seventh Heaven Bar. Barret is running people out of the bar.)
BARRET: GET THE F*** OUT OF MY BAR! What th'help y'all doin' buying drinks at my bar for?! Get the hell outta here! Waddaya think this is? A place of business?!
TIFA: Hey, cocksuckers! (sees Wedge jump up over the railing) WEDGE, GODDAMMIT, USE THE STAIRS!
CLOUD: So... ya gonna let me in?
BARRET: On, I don't know. Am I?
CLOUD: Dude, come on! I had a really bad day!
BARRET: OH, DID YOU?! DID YOUR PLANS GO AWRY WHEN SOMEONE F***ED UP?!
CLOUD: Thanks to Tifa, yes.
BARRET: ...Fair 'nuff! Head in!
(Cloud enters the Seventh Heaven Bar)
MARLENE: Pretty blonde hair!
CLOUD: Ha ha! F*** that.
(Marlene runs off crying.)
TIFA: Oh, good f***ing job, Cloud, you made Barret's daughter cry!
CLOUD: (sarcastically) Aww, and I didn't even have to try.
TIFA: Wow. What crawled up your ass and died?
CLOUD: Uh, I dunno, maybe doing that "solid" for ya?!
TIFA: Oh, don't tell me. You're all pissy because it was "freedom fighting"?
CLOUD: Uh, nope! THAT was TERRORISM!
TIFA: Come on! How is destroying a factory that sucks the life out of the planet "terrorism"?
CLOUD: (stammering) Wh--?! Every-- Every part of it was terrorism!
TIFA: Cloud--Cloud. Look at me. Who am I?
(The Name Entry screen pops up, with "Tifa the Liar" as the default name. The cursor briefly drops down to "Select", but then goes back up, uses "Delete" to erase everything but "Tifa", then "Select"s the name)
TIFA: And would I ever lie to you?
CLOUD: (immediately) Yes.
TIFA: Second time, shame on you.
CLOUD: Wh-what was the first time?!
MARLENE: (runs up and hits Cloud) Pow!
CLOUD: Okay, that's it! Pff, whatever.
TIFA: Ohoh, don't pull that "whatever" shit on me.
(Cloud is walking towards the door, but then Barret bursts in, knocking Cloud back onto a table)
BARRET: Oh, was he pullin' shit again?!
TIFA: Wh-why? What'd he pull in the first place?
BARRET: I'll tell ya later. Where's my baby girl at?
MARLENE: (runs up to Barret) DADDY!
BARRET: (lifts Marlene up and puts her on his shoulder) Oh, there's my wingless angel! Oh, did that spiky blonde man intimidate you?
MARLENE: No, daddy! He's not intimidating at all!
CLOUD: (glares at Marlene) Ugh.
TIFA: Please tell me what Cloud did.
BARRET: I shall in good time. Soon you will hear the tale of Barret, his merry men, and the blonde jackass who F***ED UP!
(Barret rides the Pinball Elevator down to the hideout, followed by Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie. Cloud takes a seat at the bar.)
CLOUD: Is she adopted ooooor...?
TIFA: God. Dammit Cloud. I dunno what you did, but you go down there and you f***in' apologize for whatever it was!
CLOUD: What?! I am NOT apologizing! Those assholes left me for dead!
TIFA: Did you f*** up?
CLOUD: What even is f***ing up, really?
TIFA: Aaah! You f***ed up! Now go downstairs and apologize while I lock this place up.
CLOUD: Oh, what? Are ya scared someone might come in and steal the 50 cents from your tip jar?
TIFA: (screaming loudly enough to shake the building) NOOOOOW!
(Cut to the AVALANCHE Hideout)
CLOUD: You know anyone can get down here, right? Like anyone who wants to play pinball?
BIGGS: (laughs) Yeah, that's how Wedge joined.
WEDGE: (laughing) Ohhh, f*** me I saw too much.
(A News Flash suddenly appears on the TV)
NEWS ANCHOR: Residents of Midgard were awoken today by the sounds of what appeared to be a terrorist attack on Sector 7's Eco-Green Energy Factory. Shinra police have investigated and found that it was caused by the group known as "AVALANCHE."
(The members of AVALANCHE break into uproarious cheering)
NEWS ANCHOR: Very little is known about this group...
(More cheers from AVALANCHE)
NEWS ANCHOR: Until today!
(AVALANCHE lets out a mixture of groans and half-hearted cheers.)
NEWS ANCHOR: Police have compiled a sketch of one of their members.
(The sketch is shown. It's a tree wearing a blue shirt, Cloud's Hair, and the Buster Sword.)
NEWS ANCHOR: As well as audio taken by police.
ClOUD AUDIO: Look at me! I'm a terrorist! I'm a part of AVALANCHE and I feel great!"
NEWS ANCHOR: Coming up next! The dark demented reality of chocobo breeding.
CLOUD: (nervously) Now... I know we've all made a couple of mistakes...
BARRET: (being restrained by Biggs) IMMA KILL 'IM! TAKE HIM OUTSIDE AND I'M KILLIN' HIM! I'M GONNA RIP OFF YOUR SPIKY HEAD AND STAB YOU WITH IT! MARLENE, CLOSE YOUR EYES!
(Barret turns and punches Biggs, sending him flying)
MARLENE: Hahah! Biggs flew!
BIGGS: (grunts) I sure did... (coughs) I just love it...
BARRET: (barely restrained) So, Cloud... You're gonna fix this, right?
CLOUD: (walks over to Barret) I dunno... (right in Barret's face) Am I?
(Barret starts to scream in rage, but is cut off by Tifa)
TIFA: Hey, Cloud! (tersely) Getting along with everybody?
(The others let out sighs of relief)
WEDGE: God, thank you!
CLOUD: Well, guys, it's been great.
OTHERS: No, no, no, no.
CLOUD: Buut I think it's about time I retire from freedom fighting.
BARRET: Oh, and what exactly did you plan on doing?
CLOUD: Oh, well, uhhh, I'm just gonna walk out of this bar aaaaaand hopefully, never see any of your faces again!
BARRET: Yeah, you ain't goin' anywhere, boy.
CLOUD: (chuckles) I'm pretty sure I am.
BARRET: The second you walk outside, yo ass is gonna get picked up by Shinra's police!
CLOUD: Oh please, like anyone's gonna recognize me from that picture!
CLOUD: Oh, you're so right.
BARRET: Well, it looks like you're stuck with us, like we're stuck with you.
(Half-hearted cheers from the rest of AVALANCHE. Cloud walks over to Tifa.)
CLOUD: Tifa, can I talk to you upstairs for a second?
(Cut to the upper floor of the Seventh Heaven)
TIFA: Kay, what's up?
CLOUD: (takes a breath) Tifa... (voice starting to crack) I'm having a really, REALLY rough day, and--
TIFA: Ohoh my god, are you crying?
CLOUD: (crying) I am FEELING a lot of emotions. Anger, rage, frustration, inadequacy... and it's all towards you!
TIFA: Wh-why me?
CLOUD: Because I did you a solid, and now I'm part of a terrorist cell!
TIFA: Welp, you've got me there. Kay, so you got two options. A) You can take your chances at walking around as a fugitive... Alone... With the possibility of getting arrested and sharing a cell with some very intimate roommates. Or B) You can pull your balls outta your fanny pack and join AVALANCHE.
WEDGE: Hey guys! My gun wasn't even loaded for the whole mission! We woulda got f***ed royal! (laughs)
CLOUD: (lets out a drawling whimper)
TIFA: Let's be honest, Cloud. You in prison? I mean, just look at you! You look like the oasis to some very, very thirsty travelers.
CLOUD: (whiny voice) That metaphor makes me uncomfortable.
TIFA: And your hair! There's just... so much to grab on to.
CLOUD: (whimpers incoherently)
TIFA: Four men. (Camera zooms in with a dramatic sting) At a minimum. (Zooms in further) In any position.
CLOUD: (yelps) Okay! Alright! Fine! Whatever! I'm in AVALANCHE!
TIFA: Aww, thanks Cloud. You're really doing me a solid here, bro.
(Cloud lets out an infuriated growl.)
WEDGE: Hey guys! I got my gun loaded!
(A gunshot is heard, followed by ricochets.)
BARRET: WEDGE, YOU POTATO-LEGGED ASSHOLE, YOU SHOT THE PINBALL MACHINE!
TIFA: (lets out a content sigh) You know, this really reminds me of back home. Remember when I used to trick you into doing things for me that would jeopardize your future and well-being?
CLOUD: (whimpered chuckle) Yup! Just like old times!
BARRET: (climbs up from below) You told Blondie what'll happen if he gets caught, right?
TIFA: Four dudes.
BARRET: Damn, girl! Shootin' for the stars! You know, 'cause of the hair. There's just so much to grab on to!
CLOUD: (pathetically screaming) I GET IT!