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This is the Transcript for Episode 4 of Final Fantasy VII Machinabridged.


(The screen is dark. A voice is heard)

ZACK: (voiceover) Cloud..... Hey, Cloud.

CLOUD: (voiceover) Am.....Am I dead?

ZACK: (voiceover) Well, that all depends on your perspective.

CLOUD: (voiceover) Oh god...I AM dead!

ZACK: (voiceover) Well no...but we're all dying if you think about it.

CLOUD: (voiceover) But am I dead right this second?!

ZACK: (voiceover)'re cool, cutie.

CLOUD: (voiceover) OH THANK GOD--wa--wha--?

ZACK: (voiceover) Wake up, cutie.

CLOUD: (voiceover) WHAT?!

ZACK: (voiceover) Wake up--

(abrupt cut to the Church)

AERITH: --cutie.

CLOUD: (groans in pain) Oh. Oh, god.

AERITH: Morning, sleepyhead.

CLOUD: (pained) Ohhh... I feel like I got hit by a car.

AERITH: Cars are for the road, silly! You fell through the roof! But don't worry, my flowers cushioned your fall.

CLOUD: (coughs up blood) No, they didn't. (manages to sit up)

AERITH: Hmm, you look familiar.

(Flashback to Sector 8 after Cloud was ditched following the Sector 1 Reactor mission)

AERITH: Flowers! Oh, you blond sir!

CLOUD: (simultaneously thinking) God dammit, every f**king time, I-- (out loud) GO F**K YOURSELF!

(Awkward pause. Cut back to the Church)

CLOUD: (ashamed) Oh, yeah... Sorry about that.

AERITH: Well, all is forgiven!

CLOUD: Seriously?

AERITH: Of course! You apologized, so I must forgive you. Soooo...

CLOUD: Soooo...

AERITH: What's your name? Is it Starbreeze? I bet it is, since you fell from the sky!

CLOUD: Uh, actually, it's... Cloud.

AERITH: (gasps) That's a beautiful name! My name is...

(Cut to the name entry screen, with the default name "Aeris". The "player" erases the s and adds th, making it "Aerith," then changes it back to Aeris, then Aerith again, then repeats a few more times before finally confirming Aerith.)

AERITH: Aerith. So, Mr. Cloud, what were you doing up in the sky?

CLOUD: Oh, I was, uh...

(a brief shot of Cloud screaming like a pansy as he fell from the walkway)

CLOUD: ...skydiving... with my...

(A grayscale flashback ensues of Barret's rampage)

BARRET: (slow-motion) IMMA KILL 'IM!

(The Flashback cuts to Tifa's threat)

TIFA: (slow-motion) SHOULDER. DEEP. CLOUD!

(Cut back to the church)

CLOUD: (very hesitantly) ...friends.

AERITH: Ooh, you have friends! That's amazing! Aren't friends the best?

CLOUD: (not wanting to burst Aerith's bubble) Oh, they are, they are... fantastic. I... love... them?

AERITH: I wonder where they are. They must be so worried about you!

(Cut to the Seventh Heaven)

BARRET: Welp, I guess Cloud's dead! Guess we all owe Biggs ten bucks!

BIGGS: Yes! Haha!

(The other members of AVALANCHE complain. Cut back to the Church)

CLOUD: What can I say? It, uh... pays to have friends.

(FF7MA Intro)

(While Aerith and Cloud are talking, someone enters the church in the background)

AERITH: So, do you want to come to my house and meet my mom?

CLOUD: OK, so, uh, listen. While I appreciated you watching me sleep in your... church flowerbed... I really gotta get going.

AERITH: Oh, really? But you won't meet my friend!

CLOUD: Oh, I've-- I've had a busy day. I don't know if I have the... fortitude? For one of your friends.

AERITH: Wow! I love building forts! Maybe my friend Mr. Reno likes building forts too!

CLOUD: Your friend Mr. Reno?

AERITH: (turns towards the new arrival) Hi, Mr. Reno! Do you like building forts?

RENO: (softly) Urgh, way too early for this... (out loud) Hello, Aerith... (chuckles) Remember what we discussed regarding your house?

AERITH: To never leave it!

RENO: And where are you right now?

AERITH: (nervously chuckles) I'm in the church!

(A quick cut to the outside of the Church, then back inside)

RENO: Aha, that's right! Looks like we're gonna have to take you back!

AERITH: Aww, you're such a responsible person!

RENO: (starting to get angry) Well, I have to be when you keep BREAKING THE F***IN' RULES!

AERITH: And so assertive!

CLOUD: Heyyy, bud... why don't ya... why don't ya quit harrassing the girl?

RENO: Hey, hey, bud, why don't you shut the f*** up and mind your own goddamn business?

AERITH: Oh, you two are buds?

RENO: Ho ho ho! He wishes he was my bud.

CLOUD: Nah, I'm good. I've got enough ambiguous-looking friends.

RENO: Oh. Is your friend a mirror?

CLOUD: (taken aback) I--eh, no...

RENO: AH! You paused! Oh, speaking of buds... (steps aside as three Shinra troopers run in) meet mine. So listen, bud, if you don't--

THUG 1: Hey, Are those flowers?

RENO: HEY! Did Rude send you to interrupt me!?

THUG 2: No, sir! His orders were to, uh...


THUG 2: ...babysit, sir.

RENO: (enraged) BABYSIT?!

THUG 2: Yes, sir! After the... incident with the falafel stand, it has been deemed necessary that you are accompanied at all times.

RENO: Seriously, I jump over--

CLOUD: Hey, uh, A-Aerith? I, uh, changed my mind. Let's go meet that mom of yours!

AERITH: (gasps) Really?

CLOUD: Yeah, let's go right now!

AERITH: Yay! Let's go the special way! (runs for the back of the church)

CLOUD: Yeah, uh, uh... special way?

(Cut to the roof of the church. Cloud is looking at the dangerous looking planks he needs to walk across)

CLOUD: Uuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh...

AERITH: What's wrong, Mr. Cloud?

CLOUD: Iiiiiiii'm allergic to heights...

AERITH: Oh! And we're REALLY high up.

(The camera zooms in on Cloud)

CLOUD: aaaaaaaaHHHHHHH...

(Cut to back down below. Reno is standing on the flower bed)

RENO: So what you're saying is...

(Cloud's leg suddenly appears at the top of the screen, with Cloud screaming in fear)

RENO: ...because of the awful falafel...

CLOUD: Come on, pull me up, pull me uuuup!

(Cloud's leg goes back up)

RENO: ...I became unlawfully awful.

THUG 2: Yes, sir. That's exactly i--


RENO: Wow, guys. I really need to think about how I come across to people. Just... gotta be with myself for a minute... (walks into the back of the church, but then suddenly runs back) WHERE THE F*** DID THEY GO?!?

(Cut to Aerith's house)

AERITH: Moooom! We're back!

ELMYRA: (descends the stairs, speaking in an airy voice) Oh, my earthly angel! You've returned to our spiritual garden! I was sensing your lifestream energy as you entered.

CLOUD: Welp, it all makes sense now.

ELMYRA: And who is your friend? She's quite beautiful.

CLOUD: Uh... (coughs) A-Actually, I'm a guy.

ELMYRA: (dreamily) And I am an oak tree! Spreading my roots and nurturing the lifestream...

CLOUD: O-K, so it was VERY nice meeting you, Aerith, and you as well... ma'am, buuuut I should be going.

AERITH: Already? Aww, but mom was going to make dinner!

ELMYRA: Orange peels with a side of rutabaga leaves!

CLOUD: (forced) Mm-mmm! Tempting...

AERITH: We always invite Mr. Reno, but he says his Turk blank-hole bosses never give him a day off and should get off his blanking blank.

CLOUD: (blankly) Reno works for the Turks?

ELMYRA: Oh, yeeees! My darling angel is so special! They always keep an eye on her. One time I was meditating in my crystal garden, and they kicked down the door. They were so worried about her whereabouts that they started breaking everything we owned...

AERITH: Even your magic smoke vase, right Mom?

ELMYRA: Yes, even my vaporal gateway into Shiva's garden...

CLOUD: Aaaaaand the Turks work for Shinra. ...Blank.

(Cut to Sector 5, with Cloud running for his life.)

CLOUD: F*** F*** F*** F***! F*** F***! (stops abruptly when he sees Aerith waiting by the entrance to Sector 6) Wuh, whoa, hey! Hi?

AERITH: Hey, Mr. Cloud!

CLOUD: (shaking his head and babbling for a moment) HOW did you do that?

AERITH: (sing-song) It's a secret.

CLOUD: Really? You didn't just use fairy dust to fly here!?

AERITH: (excited) You believe in fairies too??

CLOUD: (quickly dodging the subject) So yeah, I'm going!

AERITH: Are you going to YOUR house?

CLOUD: (tersely) I... don't have a house.

AERITH: (gasps in shock) Let's go find you a house!

CLOUD: Oh, wait, nononononononononono! (dismayed) I feel like I'm losing control of my life. Well... who knows? Maybe she'll actually find me a--

(Cut to the old Sector 6 Playground. Aerith is sitting on top of the slide)


CLOUD: (dully) Yaaaay... It's got everything a livable house needs... A sandbox... a ladder... aaaaaand a slide. The basic necessities.

(Cloud climbs up and joins Aerith on the slide)

AERITH: Sooo... you do skydiving for a living?

CLOUD: Oh, heh. No, I actually used to be a member of SOLDIER.

AERITH: Oh really? What class?

CLOUD: Oh, you know about that? I was a...

ZACK: (voiceover) First class.

CLOUD: ...first class.

AERITH: Wow, that's really cool. I used to date someone in SOLDIER.

CLOUD: Oh, seriously? Who was it? I might know him.

AERITH: (hesitantly) His name was--

(A chocobo-driven cart exits the Sector 7 Gate. Cloud sees Tifa on the back.)

CLOUD: Whoa whoa whoa whoa, hold that thought! Tifa?!

AERITH: (sharply) Tifa? Do you know her?

CLOUD: Yeah, that's my friend!

AERITH: (faking enthusiasm) Oh! Your friend... is a girl. How quaint... (jumps down the slide) Let's go meet her!

CLOUD: WAIT! Oh nononono, I've, uh... Yep. Yep. I have lost control of my life.

(FF7MA Ending Sequence)

[YouTube OUTRO]

AERITH: Hi, everyone! Thanks for watching! You're all super awesome people! If you liked the video, you should click that Like button! Oh, and then press the Subscribe button, so you can stay updated! Vegeta is standing on the edge of his anger. Watch him play the greatest game ever made, by clicking on the Renegade For Life button! Plus that poor little noseless bald child seems to be getting really scared! You should click on the Krillin Plays button to see why! Lastly, if you want to follow TFS on all their social media, click on the description! (annoyed) Now, let's go find Cloud's... friend...