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This is the transcript for Final Fantasy VII Machinabridged Episode 6.


(Cloud is walking out of the Honey Bee Inn)

AERITH: Hi, Cloud. How'd it go?

CLOUD: Well--

(Cut to Cloud inside the group room with a large group of men)

CLOUD: Sooo.... uhhh... Any of you got some panties on you?

GROUP OF MEN: (in unison) You're in luck!

(Cut back outside)

CLOUD: Got what I needed. Hey, can we stop by a place real fast?

(Cut to the Wig/Drug Store)

CLOUD: One drugs, please.

OWNER: (winks, gives a thumbs up) My man.

(FF7MA Intro Sequence)

(Cut to the dress shop.)

AERITH: You need any help, Cloud?

CLOUD: (in the dressing room, sounding super drugged out) Nah, nah... I'm goooooooood.

AERITH: Really? Because you've been in there for two hours.

CLOUD: (still high) I just... I just really... like the fabric.

GIUSEPPE: Oh-a, of course-a! Giuseppe uses only the finest of-a chocobo silk-a.

CLOUD: (still high) How do you even get that out of a choc-- boc-- chobo-- boca-- (breaks into stoned laughter)

AERITH: (getting impatient) C'mon, Cloud, I really want to see!

CLOUD: Okaaaaaaaaay. (emerges from the dressing room, wearing the dress and wig) I look... sooooooo cuuute...

AERITH: (gleeful gasp) You really do!

GIUSEPPE: You are Giuseppe's (sniffs) pride and-a joy.

GIUSEPPE'S SON: But-a Papa, I thought I was your pride and joy.

GIUSEPPE: Well, maybe if you-a marry one of those-a big girls and-a make-a me grandchildren, THEN you earn-a Giuseppe's resepct!

GIUSEPPE'S SON: But-a Papa, those girls are-a hookers!

GIUSEPPE: How do you think I-a found-a your mother?!

GIUSEPPE'S SON: I am a hooker baby?!


GIUSEPPE'S SON: You're the one who--

CLOUD: (talking over Giuseppe and his son's argument) Yeah, we should go. I'm coming down at the worst possible time.

(Cut to Don Corneo's Mansion. Aerith is all dressed up as well.)

AERITH: We're back, Mr. Doorman!

DOORMAN: Hey, toots, gonna audition?

AERITH: Yep, I brought that friend.

DOORMAN: Oh-ho-ho, your friend got a name?

CLOUD: (speaking falsetto) Oh! (panics, realizing he forgot to come up with a fake name) My name! Is, uh... oh shi-- shit, my name, right. Uh-- uh... (throws out the first thing that comes to mind) Thunderhead?


DOORMAN: You are gonna blow expectations.

(Cut to inside Corneo's Mansion. Cloud and Aerith walk up to the receptionist)

CLOUD: (falsetto) Hello there, sir! Uh, we're here for the a-audition?

RECEPTIONIST: Alrighty! I'll get you to sign this form and afterwards you can head straight on down to the sex dungeon.

CLOUD: (falsetto) What the fu-- (catches himself, clears his throat) B-Beg your pardon?

(Cut to Corneo's basement. Cloud enters.)

CLOUD: (thinking in his normal voice) She better be down here. (sees Tifa) Oh, there she is! Oh, thank god she's all right!

TIFA: (turns and sees Cloud, and bursts out laughing) Nice outfit! Did your grandmother lend it to you after her funeral?

CLOUD: (runs off, yelling in falsetto) ...I found her!

AERITH: (runs down the stairs, talking unenthusiastically) Yaaaaaay... Hi, you must be Tif--

TIFA: Oh, thank God. Uh, I'll take a double shot of whiskey on the rocks. Looong. Day.

AERITH: Oh, I'm not a waitress. Me and Cloud are here to rescue you.

TIFA: (shocked) Wait, Cloud? He's alive?!

AERITH: Mmm-hmm! We snuck in to rescue you. It all started when he fell from heaven--

TIFA: (interrupting) H-honey, honey, I'm gonna need you to focus the f*ck up and tell me where Cloud is.

AERITH: ...You're pleasant. He's here. You already met him.

CLOUD: (normal voice) Oh god.

TIFA: W-what are you talking about? The only people here are you, me, and that spiky plum gir-- (gets a good look, and realizes it is Cloud in drag) Oh. Oh, ho-ho. (breaks into hysterical laughter)

CLOUD: (normal voice) Yeah yeah, laugh it up.

(30 seconds later...)

TIFA: Oh, man. (trying to calm down) So, um... (snickers) How did you do the boobs?

CLOUD: (quietly) ...Grapefruits and three bras.

(Tifa bursts into even more hysterical laughter)

(2 minutes later...)

TIFA: (trying to calm down again) Okay, okay. I'm done.

CLOUD: (normal voice) Perfect. Now we can--

(Cloud is interrupted by Tifa snickering some more)

TIFA: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm just... I'm really glad you're alive and all, but I just-- I just can't get over the boobs.

CLOUD: Uh-huh! Guess I know what it's like to be one of your shirts.

TIFA: (sarcastic) Oh, sick burn, Cloud. I have huge tits.

AERITH: (scoffs) ...Well, they're not THAT big.

CLOUD: (sarcastic) I'm glad you seem to find me doing what ever it takes to rescue you so funny.

TIFA: I didn't need a rescue.

CLOUD: REALLY?! Because being trapped behind Don Corneo's Chocobo bangwagons showed otherwise!

AERITH: We were having a moment before he noticed you.

TIFA: Cloud, you idiot! I wasn't trapped, I'm here undercover! Apparently Don Corneo has info on Shinra and AVALANCHE.

CLOUD: OH. Well, what were you gonna do? Beat it out of him?

TIFA: No, Cloud. I was gonna f*ck him.


TIFA: ...She's interesting. But seriously, though, fear is a great motivator. Especially when his pants are down, and I've got that fierce grip--

CLOUD: Oh, please tell me you were gonna take the gloves off!

TIFA: Oh, Cloud, you know me better than that. Now get out of here before you mess this up for me, all right?

RECEPTIONIST: All right, ladies, the Don will see you now!

TIFA: (infuriated) OH, GOD DAMMIT.

(Cut to Corneo's Office)

CORNEO: Well, well, well, would you look at the spread I have today? Which flavor will I partake in? (jumps in front of his desk, walks over to Aerith) Strawwwwwberry?

AERITH: That's a yummy fruit!

CORNEO: It is! (walks over to Cloud) But maybe I'm in the mood for grape...

CLOUD: (falsetto) Uhhhhhh...

CORNEO: (walks over to Tifa) But you know what they say about blueberries!

TIFA: They contain antioxidants, lower the risk of heart disease, and--

CORNEO: BORING! (walks back to Cloud) Ah, so, little lady, what's YOUR name?

CLOUD: (falsetto) Uhhhhhh... Thunderhead?


CORNEO: (jumps in the air) I'VE MADE MY DECISION!

TIFA: You've gotta be kidding me...

CLOUD: (desperately, falsetto) Ohhh! Ohhh! Uhhh! Y-Y-You don't want me! I'm a virgin!


CLOUD: (falsetto) Ohhhhh....

(Cut to Corneo's bedchamber)

CLOUD: (forced, falsetto) Yeaaaah... I can't believe that I was chosen! I'm so... lucky!

CORNEO: Oh, baby, there was NO competition! You're just so reserved and shy!

CLOUD: (falsetto) Hahahahah... yeah... hey, so uh... you know what... uh... really gets my vagina raring to go for that.. (coughs) pipin' hot D? Secrets! ...Pertaining to espionage?

CORNEO: Oh! Well, this'll moisten ya up, sweetheart! Shinra is going to destroy AVALANCHE by dropping Sector 7's upper plate right on top of their secret base... TODAY!!


CORNEO: RIGHT?! I'm actually the one who found where AVALANCHE was hiding! Sooo, Thundy... it's YOUR turn for secrets.

CLOUD: (falsetto) Oh! Ahem. Do you REALLY wanna know?

CORNEO: Oooh hooo hoo! I'm just itching!


CORNEO: (estatic) YES! YES!! YES!!!

CLOUD: (leans in close, inhales, then speaks in his normal voice) I have a dick.

CORNEO: (gasps)




(Tifa and Aerith bust in through the door)


CLOUD: I-I just told him I'm a guy.

TIFA: OH, WELL F*CK ME SIDEWAYS! Guess I can't have ANYTHING today, huh?

CLOUD: (jumps over) Well, how about I give you the info you dressed all slutty for?

TIFA: FIRST OF ALL, I was dressed "whore-y". SECOND OF ALL, that would be great.

(Cloud explains)

TIFA: (rising fury) So you're telling me those DICKHEADS AT SHINRA PLAN ON DESTROYING MY HOME/JOB?!

CLOUD: You LIVE there?!


CORNEO: Your name is CLOUD? That's so beautiful!

AERITH: See? He agrees?

TIFA: (pissed) SHUT UP!!! How exactly did you figure out where our base is?!

CORNEO: (casually) Oh, well, there was a pinball machine in a bar my agent went to--

TIFA: (irritated) Say no more.

CLOUD: Well, Don, it's been well, but--

CORNEO: Wait, Thunderhead! I just need to know...

CLOUD: What?

CORNEO: Do you think... you could ever... FALL... for me?

CLOUD: Uh, no--

(Corneo pulls a switch next to his bed. A trapdoor opens under Cloud, Tifa, and Aerith, who scream as they fall)

CORNEO: (gleefully laughs) I'm gonna go to my hot spring.

(FF7MA Ending Sequence)

[YouTube OUTRO]

TIFA: Ugh. Thank God all these dead bodies broke our fall. Anyway! Thanks for watching MY show. Don't forget to like and subscribe, since that's how YouTube works now... (with a country twang) Ah reckon you should click on the Super Android 13 button for one hoedown of a good time, pardner! Heh! (normal voice) Oh, God, that's stupid.... And who doesn't love icky, slimy parasites oozing through your body? Check out the Top Ten Horrifying Parasites to see if your favorite got on the list, you sick, sick weirdos! (softly) ...Wouldn't be surprised if one of them were down here in the sewer... (normal volume) Follow TFS on all their social media links by clicking on the descrip...tion... (A low growling noise is heard) ...The hell is that?