(A shot of the house with the sound of Raditz grunting in the background. Cut inside the garage where Raditz is attempting to lift Super Kami Guru, who is on his back)
RADITZ: How did this even happen?
GURU: Ngh, you tell me. I woke up like thiiiiiis!
RADITZ: Hrgh! Damn it! I could... really use that forklift about now!
GURU: Lift with your baaack!
RADITZ: That's... bad for you.
GURU: So's giving me lip, New Nail!
(Cell approaches)
CELL: Finally! There you are.
GURU: Help New Nail, Other New Nail!
CELL: Do I even want to know?
RADITZ: Hrgh! Somebody... tipped Guru.
CELL: Like a cow?
RADITZ: What is that? Is that like a space cow?
CELL: That's not a... shut up!
(Raditz leaves the garage)
RADITZ: Look, just help me get him up, we're already late for the sharing circle.
CELL: Shame.
RADITZ: It is if you ever wanna get out of here.
CELL: Hm. I think I've got a better idea.
(Cell pulls out a key and presses the button. The garage door starts closing.)
GURU: No, no, you can't do this to me! I will not be disrespected like this! I will never let you-
(The garage door closes, Guru begins to snore)
RADITZ: That's not gonna help us get out of here, either.
CELL: Uh-uh-uh. Save it for the sharing circle.
(HFIL Intro)
(The sharing circle is set up on the court from DodgeBall Z. Clockwise from the farthest from the screen goes Dodoria, Mez, Goz, Freeza, an empty chair, Jeice, Burter, Guldo, Recoome, Zarbon, and one more empty chair)
JEICE: He just keeps staring at us with those big, sad eyes. Oh, that collar and rope, they chafe him so.
BURTER: It was the hardest thing we've ever had to do.
JEICE: Well, besides all the genocide.
GULDO: Actually, to be honest, the genocides were pretty easy.
MEZ: Let's put a pin in zat for now. Guten Morgen, Cell, Raditz.
RADITZ: Yeah, sorry we're late. Someone tipped Guru.
FREEZA: Ha! Like a space cow.
CELL: That's not a... shut up!
GOZ: Don't worry, ve saved you seats. Radditz can sit next to Dodoria...
(Dodoria rubs the chair and has a lustful look in her eyes)
GOZ: Und Cell can sit next to Freeza.
CELL & FREEZA: Goodie.
MEZ: Now, let's return to zat genocide comment. How would all of you feel if your species was genocided?
RECOOME: That's actually how Recoome joined the Force.
(Cell sits down and his chair collapses)
CELL: SON OF A BITCH!
FREEZA: Ha! Look everyone, Cell fell on his bussy!
CELL: Stop saying that.
FREEZA: Aw, make me.
GULDO: Uh, quick question?
CELL: (notices a screw loose from his chair) Hm?
GOZ: Yes, Guldo.
GULDO: What's a bussy?
(Freeza smiles evily)
BURTER: Oh, that's just slang for your-
GOZ: Okay, zis is getting wildly off-topic.
(Cut to inside Cell's house where he is watching TV)
NEWS REPORTER: In other Other World news, preparations for this year's Other World Tournament are under way where combatants from all corners of heaven will compete for the title of "Strongest Guy to Ever Die".
CELL: Hmph. Can't be that strong if they died. (remembers he is dead) Ah, shit.
(Raditz enters the room)
RADITZ: Hey, Cell, it's your turn to take out the bins.
(A chore wheel is behind Cell)
CELL: No it's not, it's Guru's.
RADITZ: Uh-huh?
CELL: (scoff) Why do we even have the chore wheel?
(Cut to outside where Cell is wheeling a bin. One of the wheels falls off, spreading garbage everywhere)
CELL: ARE YOU F**KING KIDDING ME!?
(Freeza and Zarbon are across the road taking their own bin out)
FREEZA: (sarcastically) Oh no, do you need help cleaning that up, Cell? 'Cause you look like you do.
CELL: Hold on a literal damn second, did you do this!?
FREEZA: Come now, I don't dirty myself with trash. Or your garbage.
(Cell growls in anger. He walks back to his door but it doesn't open)
CELL: What the?
(Cell tries his key but it doesn't turn. He gives another exasperated groan before climbing in through the window. He returns to the chair and tries to turn the TV back on but the remote doesn't work. He then notices the TV is unplugged)
CELL: Hm?
(He plugs the TV in, groaning yet again. He returns to the couch but the remote still doesn't work. He removes the battery cover to find the batteries have been taken out.)
CELL: Son.. of... a...
(Cut to inside the garage where Guru is sleeping. The door opens and Cell walks in, waking Guru up.)
GURU: Well, well, look who's finally come crawling back to (Cell starts to leave) Noooo, don't leave meeeeeeeeeeeee!
(Cell slams the door shut. Cut back to the living room where Cell puts the batteries into the remote, sits on the couch and presses the power button. An airbag pops out of the couch, launching Cell into the ceiling and onto the floor before the TV falls on top of him.)
CELL: Why?
(Cut to outside the house. Cell kicks the door open)
CELL: FREEZAAAAAA! GET OUT HERE YOU COWARDLY LITTLE-
(Paint falls on Cell, coloring him the same as Freeza, who opens his door.)
FREEZA: What are you yelling about now? (notices Cell) Well, that's just racially insensitive.
(Cell begins spluttering in anger before turning around, stepping back inside, and getting more paint dumped on him. He gives one more gutteral scream before a cut into the bathtub with Cell cleaning himself and looking rather glittery.)
CELL: Un-f**king-believable. This is what I get for playing nice. We'll see how hostile he can get after I tell everyone he was killed by... (notices his soap) Glitter? Glitter in my SOAP!?
(Cut to outside the bathroom where Cell kicks the door open)
CELL: How did he put glitter in my SOA-
(Cell notices Guldo laying mousetraps all over the floor.)
CELL: You?
GULDO: Hello.
CELL: Why you little!
(Cell leaps for Guldo who disappears, causing Cell to land in the mousetraps.)
CELL: Ow! Oh God! Oh God, why!? There isn't mice in Hell! Why do you have these!?
(Cut to the kitchen where Cell still has a mousetrap on his crown. He is talking with Raditz)
RADITZ: So it been the Ginyus?
CELL: Yes. And apparently four-eyes can teleport.
RADITZ: Really? I just thought he could stop time.
(Cell quickly turns his head and the mousetrap flies off)
CELL: Elaborate.
RADITZ: Never saw it myself but I heard he was able to stop time back when he was alive. How do you think he got on the Ginyu Force? Wasn't his power level.
(Cell slams his leg onto the counter and motions towards the ki-suppressing ankle bracelet.)
RADITZ: I dunno, maybe it's a psychic power?
GURU: (Through a walkie-talkie) Or magic.
CELL: What do you know about magic?
GURU: More than you know about gettING ME OFF THE GOD DANGED FLOO-
(Cell turns off the walkie-talkie)
CELL: We need a counterattack.
RADITZ: That's a bad idea and I'm not helping.
CELL: Then you're a bad friend.
RADITZ: Wait, we're friends?
CELL: We are if you help me.
RADITZ: Aw... pass.
CELL: F**king...
RADITZ: (leaves) Friends don't need to be accomplices to be friends!
CELL: Hmph. Fine. '(turns the walkie-talkie on) Super Kami Guru?
GURU: You son of a bitch. I'm in.
(Cut to outside the Ginyu Force's house where they can all be heard laughing. Cut inside where Guldo is recounting his earlier run-in with Cell.)
GULDO: And... then he tries to jump me, and-
BURTER: And he falls right into the mousetraps!
(They all laugh except for Guldo)
GULDO: Eh-heh, yeah, but it's, uh, my story so please don't interrupt me.
JEICE: And let that be a lesson to him. Now Cell knows to never mess with the Captain.
RECOOME: Speaking of, it's feeding time.
GULDO: I think it's your turn, Jeice.
JEICE: Uh-huh?
GULDO: (sigh) Why do we even have the chore wheel?
JEICE: So what are we thinking next? Expired milk in his fridge? Fireworks in his bed?
RECOOME: What if we replaced his glasses with a different prescription.
JEICE: He doesn't wear glasses, mate.
RECOOME: Then who is Recoome thinking of?
BURTER: I think it might be better if we stop now before this escalates out of control.
(Guldo rushes back in holding a piece of paper)
GULDO: You guys!
BURTER: F**k.
GULDO: It's the Captain!
(Jeice reads the paper)
JEICE: It says, "I have your mascot."
(There is a pause with dramatic music)
BURTER: Also there's a picture of a butt.
(A shot of the note)
(POST CREDIT SCENE)
(Inside Freeza's house where he, Zarbon and Dodoria all sit around the table eating Dripping Sarcasm Snaps)
CELL: (off screen) FREEZAAAAAA!
FREEZA: Oh for crying out loud, I can't escape this shit even in death!
CELL: (off-screen, as Freeza is talking) GET OUT HERE YOU COWARDLY LITTLE-
FREEZA: Be right back. Zarbon, don't let my Snaps get soggy.
ZARBON: (salutes) Sir!
(Freeza walks to the door)
ZARBON: I heard you sneak out again last night.
DODORIA: And?
ZARBON: Hm, just making conversation.
DODRIA: Mhm.
(Freeza returns)
ZARBON: So what was that about?
FREEZA: It was Cell in whiteface.
ZARBON: Well that's just racially insensitive.
FREEZA: Right!? Anyway, it soiled my appetite.
ZARBON: I do believe it's your turn to do the dishes, Lord Freeza.
FREEZA: Uh-huh?
ZARBON: Oh, why do we even have the chore wheel?
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