(Open on a shot of Freeza stepping from behind the tree, sneaking into Cell's garage, as he struggles to open the door when Cell appears.)
FREEZA: (gasps in fear)
CELL: Evening.
FREEZA: What the here are you doing hell? (realized what he said) I mean, you know what I mean!
CELL: Pretty sure that's my line you just flubbed. Are you messing with my trash cans again?
FREEZA: Your garbage doesn't concern me, you agonizing aphid! (turns to the garage) It's your garage! (turns back to Cell) Now let me in!
CELL: The only thing inside there is Super Kami Guru. (assuming) Wait, is that why you want in? A midnight rendezvous? It's the folds, isn't it?
(Freeza angrily slaps Cell in the face, whom the latter slaps back in retaliation before glaring at each other)
FREEZA: (growls) My father's inside here (pointing at the garage) and I demand to know why.
CELL: You know part of me wants to go back to bed and let you sweat this one out of my lawn, but another part of me wants to see where this goes (pulls out his key) so...
(Cell unlocks the garage to open the door, Freeza rudely pushes Cell out of his way)
CELL: Mother-
(Cut to Freeza enters the garage, viewing the it's interior and Guru sleeping on his throne as Freeza continues to walk slowly)
FREEZA: Nobody's here.
(Cuts to Guru snoring)
FREEZA: (offscreen) Nobody important.
(Cuts to Freeza and Cell in front of the garage door)
FREEZA: (confused) I don't understand. I saw my father clear as day.
CELL: In the middle of the night?
FREEZA: I swear he should be here.
CELL: (puzzled) Is this gaslighting? Am I being gaslit?
FREEZA: If I were gaslighting, you'd never know it.
CELL: (pointing) Is that gaslighting?
FREEZA: (turns to Cell) Shut up! (looking around) He's in here somewhere. So either help me search for him or leave me to my investigation! (Calling out) Father!
CELL: (signs in boredom) The only things in here are tools, gardening supplies, and as I said Super. (Cuts to Guru snoring loudly, cuts back to Cell) Kami. (Cuts to Guru snoring loudly closer, cuts back to Cell again) Guru. (Cuts to Guru snoring loudly even closer)
(Cuts to Freeza looking at the bottom of the tool box)
CELL: (offscreen) Where would your dad even be-
FREEZA: (turns around and pointing) The fat one! (clenches his fist) Of course!
(Cuts to Freeza climbing on top of Guru while he is sleeping)
FREEZA: (to Guru) Give me my Daddy!
CELL: (offscreen) Yeah, good luck with that. (cuts to Cell sitting on the tools desk) He sleeps a minimum of twelve hours until then (jumps of the tools desk) he will not wake u-
(Freeza suddenly disappeared)
CELL: Where did you go? (turning his head) Do people actually disappear in here? Is this place haunted? Can hell be haunted?
(Freeza emerges out of Guru's mouth, that startled Cell)
CELL: What the heck!?!
FREEZA: None of the bodies in here are my father's!
CELL: Of course not! Look! I don't know if that egg-shaped head of yours has finally cracked, (points to his head) but it's definitely scrambled this is just a garage slash his bedroom.
FREEZA: No! I'm telling you, my father went in here and he never came out. Something's amiss.
CELL: (offscreen) why...
(Cuts to Cell as he begins to derides Freeza for his delusions)
CELL: (showing the topsoil bag) do you think he's hiding behind this bag of soil?
(Cuts to Cell next to the lawnmower)
CELL: Oh! Oh! Oh! (showing the lawnmower) Maybe our lawnmower! Huh?
(Cuts to Cell who pops from the bottom next to the power breaker)
CELL: Or maybe he's hidden himself (showing the power breaker) behind this power breaker, huh?
(Suddenly, the breaker opens, revealing to be a four-digit control panel)
CELL: And (notices the panel) huh? (turns away) Okay that's different.
FREEZA: Ha! I knew it. I knew you were hiding something!
CELL: One, not hiding anything. Two, still think this is gaslighting?
FREEZA: (looks at the panel) Let me see here... Four digits.
CELL: Try eight zero zero eight.
FREEZA: Shut up, you boob! It's obviously my birthday. First day of the first year of the galactic calendar. (tapping) zero, zero, zero, one!
(The panel goes beep as the garage automatically closes the window shedders and blacks out, resulting Cell and Freeza being locked inside the garage)
FREEZA: ...I feel your judgment. (hearing Guru snoring, turns to Cell) Are you still there?
CELL: Mmm-hmm.
FREEZA: Shut up!
(HFIL Intro)
(Freeza and Cell are still standing in their dark)
FREEZA: Is this all your elaborate trap?
CELL: (sarcastically) Yes, because obviously I dressed as your father so I could lure you into here and have you all to myself in the dark.
FREEZA: So you admit it!
CELL: Have you ever heard of sarcasm?
FREEZA: (sarcastically) Oh no! I've never heard of sarcasm before.
CELL: (sighs) Turning on the lights!
(Cell walks off, and the light abruptly turn on.)
FREEZA: AHH! (covers his eyes with his arms) Give me some warning!
CELL: I actively did.
FREEZA: (pulls on the door, which doesn't budge) What's going on here?
CELL: (looking at the panel) Yeah, seems like they gave Guru a security system. I suspect we'll be here until the ogres come looking for us.
FREEZA: You're saying I'm trapped in this sweat locker with you and the giant green gastropod?! I would rather die! (sees Cell staring at him, about to point out that he's already dead) Shut up! (shoves Cell out of the way) Blasted pad! Zero, zero, zero, two! (BUZZ) Zero, zero, zero, three! (BUZZ) Zero, zero, zero--
CELL: Are you really this dense?!
FREEZA: What?!
CELL: Lord in Piccolo, there are letters on the numbers, Freez-- Move, okay? Let's try this. H, F, I, L. (BUZZ)
FREEZA: HA! F, R, Zed, A! (BUZZ)
CELL: G, U, R, U! (lengthy pause, then BUZZ) F*CK!
FREEZA: HA!
CELL: I don't know what you're so smug about. Your paranoia got us stuck in here.
FREEZA: And now I'm the one suffering for it. (sits against the garage door) Just sit on your side. If I truly am to suffer, let it be in silence.
CELL: (sits against a pile of wood opposite Freeza) Sounds perfect.
(For a while, Freeza and Cell remain silent, the only sound being Guru's snoring.)
FREEZA: (frustrated) Oh my god, please say something!
CELL: Yeah, not much silence to suffer in, is there?
FREEZA: Shut up! Just... ask me something, I don't know.
CELL: All right. Have you ever seen Caddyshack 2?
FREEZA: I don't know what that is.
CELL: Good. I wouldn't wish it on you.
FREEZA: (groans)
CELL: Okay, what do you do in your free time?
FREEZA: An emperor never has "free time."
CELL: For dying out loud, what is your damage?
FREEZA: Excuse you?!
CELL: Your whole "I'm the emperor of everything!" shtick. You're in hell! You're never coming back. And the whole galaxy has moved on. So why do you even bother now?
FREEZA: Spoken like the small-minded bug that you are. I am the master of my destiny. And as long as there is an eternity, I will endure it only on my terms. You've resigned yourself to doing good, for whatever little that's worth. But I do not resign, nor do I compromise. I conquer. I control. And I--
CELL: (interrupting) Complain! All of the time! For someone who's "large and in charge," you sure spend most of your time acting like a petty little child.
FREEZA: You're one to talk! You've acted like you're better than everyone since the moment you set squeaky foot down here. "The perfect being" my wiggly white tail. The moment you realized you're stuck here like the rest of us, you gave up.
CELL: Ahh, as opposed to you, who trounces about living a fantasy. You're not emperor of anything down here, and eventually your subjects are going to realize that. Uh, what then, hm?
FREEZA: Then I'll remind them why I was Lord Freeza to begin with.
CELL: Sure you will.
(Cell lies back against Guru's throne. Guru's snoring stops, leaving the room silent for a while.)
FREEZA: Somehow, silence is actually worse.
CELL: God, you're right. Think he's okay?
FREEZA: Do you actually care?
CELL: No.
FREEZA: ...You really think you're going to get out of here?
CELL: I mean they're gonna come searching for us when we don't show up for group.
FREEZA: No, I meant here. The Home For Infinite Losers. Do you really believe you can do good, graduate, and then go to heaven?
CELL: Would you believe me if I told you I hadn't really thought about it that much?
FREEZA: Easily.
CELL: What about you? What if you really did become emperor of the afterlife?
FREEZA: Simple. I'd force those fools to return me back to life, find the dragon balls, wish myself immortal, and then blow this place up for good measure.
CELL: But how would you get back here if you're immortal?
FREEZA: I'll find a way.
CELL: Well, you're gonna have a here of a uphill battle. You know, even Vegeta's a Super Saiyan now, right?
FREEZA: Yes, I know. He never shut up about it.
CELL: No, but for like, realsies this time.
FREEZA: Oh. Well, I'll find a way to deal with a measly Super Saiyan.
CELL: Cool. What about the level beyond that?
FREEZA: What, like a Super-Duper Saiyan?
CELL: ...Yes?
FREEZA: That's stupid.
CELL: Yeah, well, it's what killed me.
FREEZA: Ha! Hardly a boast.
CELL: Well, guess we'll see.
(Another period of silence)
FREEZA: ...What were you talking about?
CELL: Hm?
FREEZA: You and my father. What were you talking about?
CELL: Die Hard.
FREEZA: ...What? What is that? What even is that?
CELL: A series of Earth movies.
FREEZA: You're serious.
CELL: What is the deal with you two, anyway?
FREEZA: The "deal"?
CELL: Yeah, I mean, he's clearly in charge of you. Hard to be emperor when Daddy's obviously giving the orders.
FREEZA: I'll have you know he put me in charge of our entire empire.
CELL: So you're in charge... because he says so?
FREEZA: (annoyed grunt) What would you even know about "family"? Despite the fact that you've got more DNA in you than a Space College shower drain, you don't actually have a real father.
CELL: ...I'm going to sleep.
FREEZA: What, no pithy quip for that one?
CELL: Nope. You win. Good night, Lord Freeza.
FREEZA: I...
(Freeza falls silent and tries to go to sleep as well. Guru coughs, and starts snoring again. Freeza growls in frustration. The scene fades out, then fades in with Cell and Freeza sleeping.)
CELL: (talking in his sleep) No, I'll wake up... I won't be in the tube forever...
(The door suddenly opens, forcing Cell and Freeza to shield their eyes)
CELL: Ah, god! FREEZA: Gah, give me some warning!
KING COLD: There you are, princess! What in the world are you two doing in here?
FREEZA: Yeah, I was looking for you. I saw you out here last night.
KING COLD: Princess, I was doing my nightly patrol. People have been sneaking out past curfew the last couple of weeks.
FREEZA: But I never saw you come out.
KING COLD: Of course I did. I just walked behind the house. You must have missed me.
FREEZA: Oh.
CELL: Uh, how about them shutters, though?
KING COLD: Guru asked me to install a security system ever since he got tipped.
GURU: My man.
(Guru and King Cold point at each other. Goz and Mez arrive)
GOZ AND MEZ: All right you two-- Oh, you go-- No, I--
MEZ: This is getting silly.
GOZ: You've already missed the morning's events.
MEZ: Now come with us to the arena. We have a very special announcement after the credits.
CELL: Uh, the what, exactly?
FREEZA: But Daddy--
KING COLD: Ap-pup-pup. I just need to reset the system. Hurry along, princess.
(Freeza lets out a groan and follows Cell, Goz, and Mez)
CELL: So, the credits...
MEZ: Oh, ja. We always have a scene after them.
GOZ: It's amazing how many people miss those.
(Back inside the garage, King Cold punches in the code '4-3-8-6'. The pad flashes with the Red Ribbon Army symbol and the shutters withdraw. King Cold smiles and closes the panel. HFIL Credits.)
(After the credits, all the MCMs stand outside the arena)
KING COLD: Welcome, everybody. Thank you for joining me on this beautiful morning. Now, I'm sure you're wondering why I instructed the Ginyus to build this magnificent arena.
BURTER: Finished it in eighteen hours. Best time.
GULDO: Best time for what?
BURTER: Arena building!
(Burter and Jeice high-five, with a heart flashing)
KING COLD: Yes, well done to you all. Now, Yemma has decided, at my recommendation, that we host a preeminent event leading up to the upcoming Otherworld Tournament to show the growth, solidarity, and teamwork of this fine community. And so I would like to officially announce the first, and hopefully not last, Hell Games!
CELL: Can I sue somebody in hell?
RADITZ: There are enough lawyers.
KING COLD: These games will take place one month from today. But it wouldn't be much of show of teamwork if we pitted you up against each other. So we've decided to make this an inter-HFIL tournament.
FREEZA: (looks shocked) He wouldn't--
KING COLD: And so, in preparation, we'd like to welcome the ambassadors from one of your neighboring HFILs.
(Cooler walks out of the arena behind King Cold)
COOLER: Hello... brother.
BOJACK: (suddenly pops up from behind Cooler) YARR, MATEYS!
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