Team Four Star Wiki
Team Four Star Wiki

RIP VAN WINKLE: Ze following is a fan-based parody. Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Kouta Hirano und Studio Madhouse, und licensed by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment, und Funimation. Please support ze official release.

MAN: Oh come on love, show us your tits! (gets slapped). Well, she declined. Now, let’s get pissed.

MAN 2: Hey Mate. What’s the last thing you thought you’d ever see in the night sky?

MAN: Oh, that’s... that’s a deep question, man, I—-

MAN 2: No, no, cause it’s blimps.

MAJOR: Gentlemen! Ve have made it! (the Nazi’s all cheer) Alright! Achtung! Achtung!

HANS: Woo-wooooo!

MAJOR: Hans, Hans, bring it down a notch.

HANS: Woooo.

MAJOR: Now: Herr Doktor, Captain, First Lieutenant, und our fabulous mascot; please, lead us off!

HERR DOKTOR: Of course. Everyone, thank-you for coming to the mandatory pre-war seminar. Please open your World War III pamphlets to page 3, as the first two pages merely contain a foreword from Nicholas Cage.

MAJOR: Ve have an exciting itinerary of ze evening events. Tonight, ve annihilate LONDON!

NAZI GRUNT: Uh, ALL of London?

MAJOR: ALL of London! Buckingham Palace? Laid to vaste. Big Ben? Toppled to ze GROUND!

NAZI GRUNT: Ze House of Parliament?

MAJOR: Eradicated.

NAZI GRUNT: Ze Tower of London?


HERR DOKTOR: Ze Holocaust Museum?

MAJOR: Leave zat be. No one vill deny vat ve did.

NAZI GRUNT: Vat about London Bridge?

MAJOR: Ja, Ja, "London Bridge is falling down", ve all know ze song. Look, you be ze first to burn it down, you can go ahead and sing it. I don't care. Of course, speaking of music, ze accompaniment tonight has already been selected via survey! Und I hope you are excited as I aaamm. Ze song tonight is more appropriate for ironic reasons. Ze best reasons! But first... a toast... to ze answer of an age old question.

(Scenes Of citizens being slaughtered by Nazi Grunts as Edwin Starr’s War plays)

HERR DOKTOR: Is it everything you hoped for, Major?

MAJOR: Yes, because it means ze destruction of innocent lives.

(Music continues)

MAJOR: Induction. Zen Destruction  WHO VANTS TO DIE?!!! 

(Music continues over the title screen)

(Scene cuts to the meeting between Integra and her financial supporters)

PENWOOD: What do you mean, "He's stuck on the boat"?!

INTEGRA: I mean he’s stuck on the bloody boat! I need you idiots to send a helicopter after him and retrieve him.

PENWOOD: Can’t he fly with his vampire powers?

INTEGRA: What-? ...No-- NO, he can’t fly with his vampire powers!

PENWOOD:: Then how did he get there?!

INTEGRA: On the Blackbird we appropriated!

PENWOOD: You... STOLE the Blackbird?!




PENWOOD: They...have been for the past few hours.

INTEGRA: So you're telling me that... as of this moment...

We have no access to Alucard. Communications with our forces and the outside world are down, and the enemy could very well be KNOCKING AT OUR DOOR?!

(Door to the room busts open with operatives.)

REGINALD: Or! Perhaps the enemy was sitting beside you on the round table the whole time!

INTEGRA: Oh, Reggie, this is adorable.

REGINALD: SIR! Reginald! Is my name. I have spent the last five years of my life, cleaning up after YOUR pet vampire! And now! It is time Sir Reginald is paid what he deserves.

INTEGRA: (Amused laughter) You know... I get it now...

(Integra chuckling)

REGINALD: Get what?

INTEGRA: (deep breath) How Alucard FEELS!

Just a little bit, anyway.

(Reggie growls) But I must say, "Sir Reginald," it is QUITE impressive that despite how hilariously amateur this little "coup" of yours is, that you're still managing to hold that gun.

REGINALD: Gurh...! (Screams of shock)

WALTER: Who wants daddy's belt?

(Operatives yell and open fire on Walter with no affect)

PENWOOD: (Grunts in surprise)

WALTER: Now think about what you've done.

(Conference in mixed groans of relief and shock)

INTEGRA: So, Sir Penwood, Are you alright?

PENWOOD: Well... Reginald was actually... my brother-in-law. So... Currently... Processing that...

(Roar of alarms)

OFFICER: Communications are back up! Everything is on fire!

OFFICER2: London Bridge is falling down!

PENWOOD: Falling down?!

OFFICER2: Falling down!

PENWOOD: London Bridge is falling down...! My fair lady! What should we do?!

INTEGRA: We have to evacuate immediately! Sir Penwood, You could ride with me. The rest of you, carpool.

PENWOOD: No. I'm not going anywhere. I know I'm... not much of a man. I've had a silver spoon in my mouth since the day I was born. This position... It's not suitable for a meek gentlemen like myself. But I'll be damned, I say, if I tuck my tail in between my legs at the first sign of peril! I THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE SIR INTEGRA! BUT I--!

INTEGRA: (Hands a gun) Here's a gun; there are twelve holy bullets. Save one for yourself. (Walks out of conference room with Walter)


WALTER: Yes, Sir Integra?

INTEGRA: Ready the car. We've got a war to win.

(General din of battle)

MAJOR: Ah, yes. Buckingham Palace is burning. Und so are my loins~!


MAJOR: Ah! First Lieutenant former Olympic body builder Zorin Blitz. Sorry, I was understandably caught up in ze moment.

ZORIN: You finally have orders for me, Major?

MAJOR: Ah, indeed, my dear Zorin! You have a very SPECIFIC target.

ZORIN: Where shall my scythe be pointed?

MAJOR: Ze Hellsing Orginization Headquarters.

ZORIN: Yes...!

MAJOR: Und you...

ZORIN: (Increased excitement) Yes~!

MAJOR: ...Shall provide reconnaissance.

ZORIN: (Drops cigarette in shock and screams in frustration)

MAJOR: Okay, Zorin! Zorin! I need you to bring it back for me: take a deep breath... Contain... ze calamity... zat is your mammaries.

ZORIN: (Poorly contained Nazi rage)