(Open on a shot of Freeza approaching Goz and Mez's house. Freeza knocks on the door and Mez answers.)
MEZ: Helloooo? Ah! Guten morgen, Freeza. Are you here to borrow a movie?
FREEZA: What? No. Why would I -
MEZ: We're lending zem out to help our MCMs socialize. You know, a little water cooler talk.
FREEZA: I don't want a movie, I'm here to talk to my father?
MEZ: Ja, ja, okay. COLD!! Your little baby boy is here!
KING COLD: (off-screen) Be right down!
MEZ: He'll be right down.
(King Cold approaches the front door completely naked)
FREEZA: Ah, there you ar- Oh god! Daddy, where's your decency?
KING COLD: Oh come on, Freeza, there's nothing to be ashamed about. Literally. (motioning to his lack of genitalia) There's nothing there
FREEZA: I still have so many questions about that. But that's not what I'm here for! I'm ready to talk about yesterday.
KING COLD: Oh, well, I'm sorry, princess. I'm terribly busy right now. After this cup of coffee it's... well, another cup of coffee, but, then I'm off to work with the coloreds!
FREEZA: The what?
KING COLD: You know, the Ginyus! There's the red one, the beige one, the normal one.
FREEZA: Wait, but, I'm white.
KING COLD: And most of the galaxy isn't.
MEZ: (off-screen) Cooold! Your coffee is getting yooouuu!
KING COLD: Oop, I'd better get to that. We'll talk later, princess.
FREEZA: But I-
KING COLD: Toodleeeeees!
(Cold leaves, closing the door with his tail. Cell approaches with a DVD in his hand, humming)
CELL: Oh. You. Visiting daddy?
FREEZA: Maybe. What are you doing here?
CELL: Oh, I'm just here to return the ogres' copy of Caddyshack II. Did you know they only have sequels down here? And just the bad ones!
FREEZA: Uh-
(Freeza walks away while Cell continues talking)
CELL: Which means they have RoboCop 3. And I never saw RoboCop 2 but since they skipped it, it must have been better somehow and, uh- (notices Freeza leaving) Hm... I wonder which Die Hards they have.
(HFIL Intro)
(Cut to a construction site with King Cold standing in front of the Ginyu Force)
KING COLD: Alright, men. Today I've acquisitioned you for an exceptionally important task. These are very special blueprints for a very special arena. Your job is to clean up this rock and build it to these exact specifications.
GINYU FORCE: Sir, yes, sir!
GULDO: Uh, permission to speak?
KING COLD: Granted.
GULDO: What is this for?
KING COLD: Ah, that is a secret my normal little friend.
GULDO: Oh, uh, o-okay. Thanks?
KING COLD: Gabar sh'kollo.
GULDO: Aaaah... It's 'cause I'm green.
KING COLD: You have 24 hours to complete this task. Can I count on you?
BURTER: We'll have it done in half the time.
JEICE: Give or take the other half of the time.
KING COLD: Good. Proceed.
GINYU FORCE: Sir, yes, sir!
(Freeza is now behind King Cold)
FREEZA: Umm... daddy?
KING COLD: Oh, princess! You can't be here! You don't have a hard hat.
FREEZA: Neither do they.
KING COLD: Well, yes, but they're professionals.
JEICE: Alright, mates! First, we gotta flatten the land out.
BURTER: Guldo! We need a steamroller.
GULDO: Alright, got it. ZA... WURUDO!
(Screen pauses, goes inverted, then goes back to normal. Super Kami Guru flops onto the ground.)
GURU: Ugh! Nyagh! Asshoooles!
RECOOME: Alright, fellas. On Recoome 3! Recoome 1! Recoome 2! RECOOME 3!
(Burter, Jeice, and Recoome begin rolling Guru while Guldo walks on top of him.)
FREEZA: Uh, listen, daddy. Now that you're done delegating I was hoping we could have that talk I mentioned earlier.
KING COLD: (clicks tongue) You know, I would love to, Freeza. But I'm just buried under all this paperwork!
FREEZA: What... what paperwork?
(A bunch of paperwork has suddenly appeared on King Cold's desk that he begins working on while humming)
FREEZA: How-
GULDO: (panting, holding a cup of coffee) There... you go... sire.
KING COLD: Very good, Guldo. M'kar sham'ah!
GULDO: (still panting) That's not... I don't even speak... Ah, nevermind. (Guldo leaves)
KING COLD: Sorry, sweetie, talk later.
FREEZA: But... when?
KING COLD: Don't worry, I'm sure we'll find the time to find the time.
(Freeza stutters before walking away)
KING COLD: Oh, and tell Zarbon to get wood for me.
(Freeza growls)
KING COLD: Actually, use the word lumber.
(Freeza growls angrier)
KING COLD: Oh, and tell Cell I'll be stopping by for a chat.
(Freeza stops in his path. Raditz approaches with a cup of coffee, humming "I Feel Fantastic" by Jonathan Coulton)
RADITZ: Oh, uh, H-hey there, Lord Freeza. Just... bringing your father another cup of coffee! Guess that's what I'm doing today.
(Freeza hits Raditz with his tail. The coffee flies into Raditz's face and the mug flies out of his hands and shatters off-screen. Raditz screams in pain as Freeza walks away.)
GURU: Is that New Nail? Tell him to come pick the pebbles OUT OF MY FOLDS!
RADITZ: Oh, god, it burns!
(Cut to Freeza's room. He is looking out the window at Cell and King Cold having a conversation, though it is muffled.)
FREEZA: What are they talking about? Are they talking about me? Of course they're talking about me. How dare they! I'm right here! If you have something to say then say it to my face! But what if they're not talking about me? What if he hasn't talked about me all day? Oh, which is worse!?
(Cell and Cold laugh)
FREEZA: And now they're laughing! Which means they're either laughing at me or without me. To here with this. I'm going to give them a piece of my... of my...
(Freeza sighs and sits down on his bed)
DODORIA: (off-screen) Hey, Lord Freeza! I borrowed us a copy of Terminator: Genisys! (entering Freeza's door) You wanna hate watch it with me?... Am I, uh... interrupting anything?
FREEZA: No... I'm just sulking.
DODORIA: Oh, uh... (sigh)... Permission to comfort?
FREEZA: ...Proceed.
DODORIA: So, uh,, Lord Freeza...
FREEZA: You can just call me Lord.
DODORIA: So, uh, Lord... What's got you down in the dumps?
FREEZA: Honestly? It's... It's Cell.
DODORIA: Oh?
FREEZA: Yes! Ever since that insidious insect entered the picture everything's gotten worse! Between the neglect and insubordination, I feel like I don't even matter anymore. I used to be Queen Bee! Now I'm just... Plan B! Beeza! Bzzzz! Now make it better.
DODORIA: Lord, nobody here'd even dream about thinking that but you.
FREEZA: Cell does.
DODORIA: Well, maybe it's not about Cell. Maybe it's about you.
FREEZA: How dare you!
DODORIA: All I'm sayin' is, there ain't no reason you should be letting that green goon get under your skin. You used to rule galaxies! He died on the same rock he was born on.
FREEZA: The same rock I died on.
DODORIA: And there you go, attacking yourself again. You're Lord Freeza! What's he got that you don't?
(The camera pans to show Cell and Cold still talking. Cut to Dodoria outside Freeza's door)
FREEZA: I'm going to bed.
(Freeza closes the door in Dodoria's face)
DODORIA: Uh, oh. Okay. I'll be here if you need to talk more. Hm... I wonder what Zarbon's up to.
(At night, Freeza tosses and turns in bed before ultimately waking up)
FREEZA: Damn you, you chartreuse charlatan! I swear when I see you next I'll-
(Freeza notices King Cold sneaking through the cul-de-sac)
FREEZA: Daddy? Are you kidding me? Even in the middle of the night? Wait...
(King Cold begins sneaking towards Cell's house)
FREEZA: Daddy? What are you up to?
(Zarbon enters Freeza's room wearing no bottoms and carrying a piece of lumber)
ZARBON: Lord Freeza, Dodoria told me you were in a state. I wanted to-
FREEZA: Oh my god, I-I said lumber!
ZARBON: Hm? Oh, that's unrelated.
POST-CREDITS SCENE
(Cell and King Cold's chat from earlier, they both laugh)
CELL: And the weird thing? They don't even have Die Hard 2, but they have With a Vengeance which I just think is objectively wrong.
KING COLD: I mean, is it? You know, it didn't even start out as a Die Hard script.
CELL: Which I think is to its benefit. And would you really call it worse than 2?
KING COLD: Well... it's certainly not as good as 1.
CELL: Well, obviously... So, is this really all you wanted to talk about?
KING COLD: Yes!
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