(Shot of Raditz and Cell's backyard. Cell is sitting on a chair humming to himself. He pulls out a set of garden shears and holds them next to his ankle bracelet. His humming gets more intense as he raises the shears and stabs them into his leg. He screams and we switch to a view of Raditz who is filling a giant water cooler. The shears are thrown into the keg Raditz was just using)
RADITZ: You think they'd let us have shears if that was going to work? Our souls are basically indestructible, man.
CELL: At least one of us is trying to get out of here.
RADITZ: Are you kidding me? I tried for years. I even got out of here once but these things have trackers and there's nowhere to go. Apparently there was a way out once, but...
(The exit that Goku used in Snakeway to Heaven is shown to have been boarded up)
RADITZ: And I know our souls are indestructible because...
(Flashback to another backyard. Freeza is on a chair with Zarbon and Dodoria by his side)
FREEZA: Aaaand pull!
(Zoom out to reveal Raditz being pulled limb-from-limb by The Ginyu Force. Raditz screams in pain)
FREEZA: Guldo, pull harder or I'll replace you with Zarbon. Zarbon, prepare to replace Guldo.
ZARBON: Mmmm.
(Back to Cell and Raditz)
RADITZ: The ogres didn't stop them because they called it... "team-building". Speaking of which, we should get moving so we're not late to the sharing circle. But first...
(He picks up the water cooler)
RADITZ: I gotta go feed Guru.
(HFIL INTRO)
(Cut to the middle of the cul-de-sac where all the residents except for Guru are sat in a circle. In clockwise order starting from the closest to Cell's front door they are; Mez, Freeza, Zarbon, Dodoria, Raditz, a chair with a walkie-talkie, Goz, Recoome, Burter, Guldo, Jeice, then Cell)
GOZ: Guten Morgen, allerseits!
MEZ: Zat means "Good morning, everyone!"
CELL: Then just say that.
GOZ: Since we have a new MCM...
MEZ: Zat's "Morally-compromised malefactor".
CELL: Then just say that.
GOZ: It's time for ze sharing circle. So you can get to know zem, and zey can get to know you.
MEZ: Let's get started with our first question for ze group: How did you die?
(All of the MCM's groan)
MEZ: Come on, everyone, we want to establish unity! And nothing is more unifying zan ze inevitable spectre of death.
GOZ: Here, let's start with Guru.
(Goz turns on the walkie-talkie)
GOZ: Good morning, Guru. Are you with us?
GURU: (Through the walkie-talkie) New Naaaaail! The box is talking again!
MEZ: Guru, would you like to tell ze group how you died?
GURU: Cancel Culture!
GOZ: Okay, das is good.
MEZ: Now, factually speaking, he committed a genocide.
FREEZA: (sarcastically) Oooh.
MEZ: Here in HFIL, ve von't punish you for lying, but it will not aid in your recovery. We want to encourage you all to be honest. Not with us, but with yourselves.
GOZ: Und, with zat, let's move on to our very first MCM. Raditz! Raditz, how did you die?
RADITZ: (sigh) I was... killed by Piccolo.
CELL: Hahahahahahahahahaha! What, did you trip? Ahahahahaha!
RADITZ: ...No.
MEZ: Und, Raditz, what happened after you died?
RADITZ: Well, they tried to put me through the soul-scrubber but my hair got caught in it, so... I broke free, got in a fight with that big red dude, kicked him square in the red beanbag, and...
(Flashback of Raditz running along Snake Way)
RADITZ: (laughs) Good luck, assholes! You'll never catch the great Rad-aaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!
(Raditz falls off the edge of Snake Way)
RADITZ: Side note: you guys really need to put handrails on that thing.
GOZ: Zey're on backorder.
MEZ: Now how about we continue with...
DODORIA: Killed by Vegeta.
ZARBON: Vegeta.
BURTER: Vegeta.
GULDO: Vegeta.
RECOOME: Vegeta.
JEICE: Vegeta. The c*nt.
CELL: Wait... all of you? How?
ZARBON: I thought I could take him, but he really tore up my insides and... I-no, I mean he blew out my backside and... Damn it!
DODORIA: It's fine, you're catching it now.
ZARBON: But I'm so used to pitching... (Zarbon starts sobbing)
BURTER: For me, he just slammed me deep in the throat.
(Everyone stares at Burter)
BURTER: What? I'm doing these on purpose. I'm gay as sunshine.
(Jeice makes a noise of approval and high-fives Burter)
RECOOME: The names Recoome! It rhymes with doom! And Vegeta's the one who put me in my tomb!
GULDO: He cut off my head. In front of all my friends.
JEICE: And us.
(Guldo stares at Jeice. Burter high-fives Guldo's freely hanging hand)
CELL: Holy shit, no wonder Vegeta had an over-inflated ego, you all fed him.
FREEZA: And I killed him.
(All the MCM's except Cell clap)
FREEZA: Mm, you're welcome.
MEZ: And Freeza, would you like to tell the circle how you died?
FREEZA: Well, some are born into greatness. Some have it thrust upon them. For me, it was both. My childhood was fraught with tragedy. I never met my mother, and I don't know how my species reproduces. And at this rate, I don't know that I ever will. And then there's my brother...
MEZ: Freeza, how did you die?
FREEZA: In a way, I defeated myself.
GOZ: (raises his club) Freeza.
FREEZA: (sigh) I was killed by the Super Saiyan.
(Again, all the MCMs except for Cell clap)
MEZ: Thank you, Freeza. Now, Cell, it's your turn. Tell us, how did you die?
CELL: Well, in a way I defeated myself.
FREEZA: Oh, my God.
CELL: So, my father was a brilliant scientist.
RADITZ: Hm.
CELL: I was created in his sub-lab. Made up of the DNA of the universe's greatest warriors. For the sole purpose of killing Goku. I was meant to absorb my two cyborg siblings to obtain my perfect form. But when the son of Vegeta, a time-traveller, destroyed them, I had to murder him, steal his time machine, and travel back to the past. When I finally arrived there, I had to wait a year in my larval form before I could finally hatch and hunt down the cyborgs upon which, I became the perfection you see before you. Unfortunately, I was cheap-shotted in a fight with Goku's crotch-spawn, and went out with a literal bang. And now... here I am.
(Freeza starts laughing, followed by all the other MCMs)
FREEZA: Oh, look out, everyone. I'm from the future. And I'm made up of everyone's DNA. I'm so original in my unoriginality. And don't tell me, your power level is, like, a billion?
CELL: Psssh, please, nobody gives a shit about power levels anymore.
FREEZA: Oh, I think we both know that's a lie. And tell me, how many forms did you have?
CELL: Three.
FREEZA: Well, I had four.
CELL: And this was the one you landed on?
(Goz snickers)
FREEZA: And of those "great warriors" you're made up of,, which one was a greased-up bug-man who smells like patchouli?
CELL: I don't know. Probably Vegeta.
(Everyone else laughs)
GULDO: What's patchouli?
FREEZA: Heh, honestly I think we're glossing over the real interesting part here. What exactly killed you again? A child?
CELL: Oh, Gohan? Oh, yeah, kid was jacked. It was actually kinda gross.
FREEZA: Literally felled by a whelp. And Goku's, no less. Yet you seem so adorably proud of yourself.
CELL: Proud? No. But I'm not gonna act all insecure about it. What kind of loser would that make me?
GOZ: An infinite one?
CELL: Mhm.
FREEZA: I'm sorry, is that an insinuation?
CELL: Oh, no, no, no, no, I'm not trying to CUT YOU TO PIECES in front of everyone or anything.
FREEZA: Hm. A wise decisi- Uh.
CELL: You know, while we're on the subject what planet did you die on again? I don't remember, was it Namek or Earth?
FREEZA: The planet I deemed to conquer.
CELL: Well, I guess things got DICEY.
FREEZA: (stands up) At least I'm my own person who made my own choices! You're just a test-tube robot dutifully following the orders of its creator.
MEZ: Okay, I think we should sit back down and-
CELL: (also stands up) You want to see me make a choice right now, Freeza? Because I'm about to make one all over your face.
ZARBON: Mm?
DODORIA: (disapprovingly) Mm-mm.
ZARBON: (disappointed) Mm.
FREEZA: Of course I touched a nerve. Because the truth is, everything you call perfect in that genetic hodgepodge of a body was already perfected by me.
CELL: Oh, we talking truth now, Freeza? Well here's a little fun Freeza fact for everybody. The Super Saiyan who killed you was actually-
(They are both knocked out by Goz and Mez's clubs)
MEZ: Danke, Goz.
GOZ: Bitte.
MEZ: Alright, zere is obviously tension here zat needs to be worked out.
GOZ: Und I think I know ze perfect way to get out some of zis animosity.
MEZ: Tomorrow, ve shall implement...
GOZ: Völkerball!
MEZ: Zat means "Dodgeball".
CELL: Then just say that.
(POST CREDITS: Guru happily drinks from the water cooler)
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