"I am hilarious.. and you will quote... everything... I... say... "
"Hello other new Naaaaaail! You've got bottom bunk!"
In the Anime
Guru (called simply "Grand Elder" in the original Japanese version) is the only survivor of a cataclysmic event in Planet Namek's past. He single handedly repopulated the planet through the Namekian ability to asexually reproduce through eggs. By the time Freeza and the Z-fighters arrive on Namek, Guru is very old and near death. He helps out the Z-fighters in their battle against Freeza and his men by unlocking their hidden fighting power. He eventually dies from a broken heart after Freeza kills the rest of the Namekians, but is revived by the Earth Dragon Balls. He passes his title of Grand Elder and ownership of the Dragon Balls on to the Namekian Moori, before peacefully passing away.
Guru is considered to be very wise, and has a kind and caring personality, to the point of dying from the sadness of losing his children. He is well-loved by his own people, and as he died again for good, all were greatly saddened by his passing.
In DBZ Abridged
Guru is portrayed as the opposite of his original counterpart. He is a surly, vain, greedy, racist, misanthropic and domineering old man who constantly abuses his power. He is nowhere as loving or caring as his original counterpart, and most of his children do not love him either because of his unpleasant attitude. His long-suffering bodyguard Nail is the unfortunate main target for much of this unpleasantness, as he is regularly made to do stupid and pointless tasks such as fighting birds or cleaning Guru's jowls. He also tends to abuse the powers of the Dragon Balls for his own gain, such as wishing for a plasma screen television or a postal service. Furthermore, Guru is hinted at having caused numerous atrocities, such as when he led the Namekians through the peril of a great drought and the genocide of the albino Namekians. He does have a softer side, though. He likes to keep in touch with his brother and good half, Lord Slug, whom he exiled from Namek. Guru sent him a letter advising him to visit Earth, since they probably have Dragon Balls there, whilst also noting that their defenses aren't up to par, subtly hinting that Slug ought to conquer them. Guru is also known to be very vain. When told that the elder Namekian of Earth was named Kami (which is Japanese for "God"), Guru immediately declared that Kami was a pretentious prick and dubbed himself as "Super Kami Guru" - though he allows Nail to call him Guru for short. He is also very knowledgeable with human popular culture and gets upset when his fellow Namekians don't understand the references.
Guru seems to enjoy messing around with his subjects and visitors. This is best demonstrated when he gives Krillin, Gohan, and Dende power boosts. Krillin's "full potential" ultimately amounted to very little, while Gohan's was given following a speech laden with pedophilic undertones, and Dende's was given completely by surprise. He refused to give the power-up to Nail, who he later gives a motivational speech to in order to encourage him to fight a losing battle against Freeza. Once Nail was gone, Guru admitted that he had no chance, though he might have done had Guru trained him in the "new ways". Finally, once Porunga was summoned, Guru sensed it and allowed himself to die just before the final wish was able to be granted, believing it would be a "real dick move".
The Ginyu Force dominated Gohan, Krillin and Vegeta, Guru sensing this and calling on Nail to assist them, though the latter mentioned in doing so he would leave him unguarded. Guru denied this since he would have Dende, the third strongest of their race, Nail noting that there were only three of them left. Guru asked Dende what it felt like "to be the bronze medal" and when he answered that it was as if everyone he knew and cared about was dead, Guru remarked that every party needed a pooper and that's why he was invited before beginning to sing.
He was revived just as Namek was on the verge of destruction, and believed the darkened red skies and rampaging waters and lava streams were a result of global warming, though he was warped to Earth with the others. After all living beings that were killed by Freeza and his men (not including by Vegeta, so the Namekians he killed stayed dead), were brought to Earth by the Namekian Dragon Balls. In belief that he was dying, Super Kami Guru revealed to the remaining Namekians that he caused the drought that almost killed out the Namekians by drinking all of the water, and had shifted the blame to the Albino Namekians, causing a purge of said race. However, Guru unexpectedly does not die of natural causes as expected. The other Namekians take revenge for their mistakenly slain brethren by killing and devouring Guru, much to the horror of Gohan, Bulma, Piccolo, and even Vegeta. Guru's last act is to defiantly curse out the other Namekians with his final breaths, demanding that they choke on his flesh. In the Season 2 finale, it is revealed that Moori has become the Grand Elder after eating Guru.
His current location in the Other World is Hell, specifically at the Home For Infinite Losers (HFIL), where he shares a home with mr. Perfect Cell and Raditz.
As leader of Namek, Guru has the ability to draw out dormant power from a being he touches. He gave Krillin, Gohan and Dende power boosts.
Dragon Ball Creation
As he is part of the Dragon Clan, Guru has the power to create Dragon Balls and the dragon itself (Porunga more specifically). Should he die, Porunga and the Dragon Balls would cease to exist.
|Appearances of Super Kami Guru in DragonBall Z Abridged|
- Only appears in the stinger of Episode 12 and Lord Slug
- Only appears in part 2 Episode 30
In DBZ Kai Abridged
His role remains the same in Kai Abridged 2, albeit with his new self-made title now being far, far longer, although the terms "super", "ultra, "mega", "alpha", "omega", "hyper", "bigger", "longer" and "uncut" are heard amongst them. He also manages to die of natural causes here, though he doesn't admit to causing the great drought this time, instead merely repeating Nappa's "I am hilarious and you will quote everything I say" line from the previous installment.
- Guru: Naiiil. Naiiiiiiil!
- Nail: What is it, Lord Guru?
- Guru: I saw a fish. That is all. Go back outside now.
- Nail (Thinking): Oh, god, this is so horribly dull. I hope something exciting happens around here soon. I don't care WHAT it is.
- Guru: Naaiiil!!
- Nail: What?
- Guru: I saw a bird. It was pretty. Kick its ass.
- Guru (After Nail refused to be called 'Big Green'): Big Greeen! Get in here.
- Nail: Oh, guh- god dammit. What is it, Lord Guru?
- Guru: I have a bitch of an itch on my left ass chee- Nail. There is an albino Namekian standing behind you. Kill it like the rest.
- Krillin: Uh, actually, sir, I'm from Earth.
- Guru: Kill it like the rest.
- Krillin: Uuuhh...
- Nail: Uh, actually, sir, I think he has business here about those people attacking our planet?
- Krillin: Yeah. We came here looking for help. And I see you have a Dragon Ball up there. Well, we're gonna make sure that they don't steal it!
- Guru: And how is that?
- Krillin: I'm gonna take it!
- Nail: Learn your place, Earthling! You have some nerve demanding a Dragon Ball from-
- Guru: Here. Take it.
- Nail: I- What?
- Guru: Just don't steal the TV.
- Nail: Sir, we... we don't have a television.
- Guru: .... Nail. Gather the rest of the Dragon Balls and wish for a plasma TV.
- Nail: Lord Guru, that would be a grievous misuse of their power.
- Guru: I'm about to misuse my hand upside your head!
- Guru: So, the son of Katas has passed. Unfortunate.
- Krillin: We just called him 'Kami'.
- Guru: Oh, so he calls himself 'God'. Pretentious prick. Nail.
- Nail: What?
- Guru: I shall henceforth be known as: Super Kami.
- Nail: Yes, Super Kami.
- Guru: No, wait- Super Kami Guru.
- Nail: Can I just call you Guru for short?
- Guru: Super Kami Guru allows this.
- Nail: Guru, sir. We have another traveler from Earth.
- Guru: Oh. Tell me you didn't let him inside.
- Gohan: Hello, Mr. Guru.
- Guru: Oh, goddammit!
- Gohan: Mr. Guru, sir? My friend Krillin told me that you could help us by... touching me.
- Guru: Do I look Catholic to you?
- Nail: Sir, I think he means he wants you to release his hidden potential?
- Gohan: Yeah, that.
- Guru: Fine. Stand still. It's your first time, so I'll be gentle. Now relax as I reach DEEP inside you and grab hold of your essence!
- Gohan: I... need an adult?
- Guru: I AM AN ADUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLLT!!!!!!
- Guru: Naiiiiiiil, do we have a visitor?
- Nail: Yes, sir!
- Guru: Naiiiiiiiil, take his coat!
- Frieza: I don't have a coat.
- Nail: He doesn't have a coat, sir! And I believe this is the man who basically killed our entire race!
- Guru: Naiiil. Don't take his coat.
- Frieza: You see, I've recently acquired what you people refer to as 'Dragon Balls', but I'm having trouble getting them to do what I want.
- Nail: Did you try working the shaft?
- Frieza: Classy.
- Guru: Naiiil, what does he want!?
- Nail: He's asking how to use the Dragon Balls!
- Guru: Did you tell him to work the shaft!?
- Nail: Yes, Lord Guru!
- Guru: Good work, Nail.
- Frieza: I have the distinct impression you're going to be difficult.
- Nail: Well, sir, if you're having trouble with our customer support, you can call 1-800-Eat-A-Dick.
- Guru: We don't even HAAAVE those!
- Frieza: Okay, this is getting ridiculous. What IS that? -blasts Guru's dome-
- Guru: Oh God! Natural LIIIIGHT!
- Frieza: Good lord! I was led to believe your species survived entirely on water! How is he so fat!?
- Guru: Oh. Hello. I'm Super Kami Guru. And I'm the guy who's NOT judging you on your appearance.
- Frieza: Well, my name is Frieza, ruler of most of the known galaxy. I'm here to offer you a deal. You give me the information I require, and I'll let the sporting young man live.
- Guru: Please. Nail isn't afraid of you. He is the strongest of our race!
- Frieza: Oh, really?
- Nail: Uhhh, sir?
- Guru: Yeah. Nail's gonna destroy your sorry ass! They wouldn't be able to air it on the news because it'll be sooooo BRUTAL!
- Nail: Sir, seriously...
- Guru: Hush, Nail. I'm speaking for you.
- Frieza: Well, then, if this is the only course of action AVAILABLE to me, I accept. I'll dispatch of this WORM, and then I'll be back for you, SLUG.
- Guru: Leave my brother out of this!
- Nail: Sir, his power is overwhelming! I can also sense it's only a fraction of what he's capable of.
- Guru: Nail. Listen to me. You are Namek's number one son. A prodigy child. You have been trained in the ancient ways! I believe in you.
- Nail: You... mean that, Lord Guru?
- Guru: Yes, Nail. Now show him the staggering spirit of Namek, and waste his smug ass!
- Nail: Yes sir! Follow me! -leaves with Frieza-
- Guru: ...Fool, If I had trained him in the new way, he might have stood a chance.
- Guru: NAIL! Our visitors from earth require your assistance. You must go help them
- Nail: Lord Guru, that would leave you totally unguarded.
- Guru: No. I would have Dende.
- Dende: Please don't leave me alone with him...
- Guru: He is the third strongest of our kind.
- Nail: Lord Guru there are only three of us left.
- Guru: Dende. How does it feel to be the bronze medal?
- Dende: Like everyone I know and love is dead.
- Guru: ... ♪♪ Every party needs a pooper that's why they invited you. Party pooper. Party pooper. ♪♪
- Nail: Lord Guru...
- Guru: WHY ARE YOU STILL HEEEEEERRRR-
- Guru: So Dende. Sucks about your family.
- Dende: We've gone over this.
- Guru: But you know who else lost his family? Batman.
- Dende: I don't know who that is.
- Guru: ... See? This is why we need TV!
- Dende: Why?
- Guru: Nananananananana Dendeeeee. Nananananananana Dendeeeee. Dendeeeee.
- Dende: Guru.
- Guru: Dendeeeeee.
- Dende: Nail's here
- Guru: Naiiiiiilll. Why are you back?
- Nail: I never left sir. I was outside hitting my head against the wall for 20 minutes.
- *Flashback* -bang- -grunt- -bang- -grunt- -bang-
- Guru: So that's what that was. Why have you ignored my order?
- Nail: Because, Lord Guru, I can't leave you unguarded no matter wha-.
- Guru: -Coughs spit onto Nail's face-
- Guru: Clean that uuuup.
- Guru: *After Nail and Vegeta argue* Naaaail! Stop making out with your boyfriend! I can hear it from in here! It sounds like- -makes various slurping and slapping noises-
- Nail: THANK YOU LORD GURU!
- Guru: And then I said "I don't care who you are, just clean my Jowls!... And that was Nail's first day on the job.
- During the 10th Anniversary livestream, Takahata101 revealed that the party pooper song Guru sang was something his father used to sing when he was being melodramatic. He added that when his dad saw the episode, he jokingly asked "When do I get paid for this?"
- Guru plays a far more negative role in the Abridged Series.
- Guru voluntarily stopped his heart to sabotage Gohan, Krillin and Dende's session with Porunga simply to be a dick. Strangely, despite his voluntary suicide, he was also revived when Popo specifically wished for Shenron to revive everybody killed by Frieza and his men. This should have left Guru exempt from the revival, though it may have been possible that the sheer amount of water Guru had drunken would not allow for his death to remain permanent.
- On a similar note, Guru may have been functionally immortal due to his consumption of the majority of water on Namek, as evidenced by his previous revival from death and seeming inability to die of natural causes on Earth before being mauled to death by the Namekians.
- Guru made Nail clean his jowls on the first day of Nail's job.
- Much like Kami and Piccolo, Guru and Lord Slug split from the same being and Guru is the EVIL half.
- He would wish for a plasma TV using the Dragon Balls.
- He used the Namekian Dragon Balls to wish for a mailing system.
- He allowed himself to die because he thought it would be a "Real dick move" given that Krillin, Gohan and Dende were in the process of receiving wishes from Porunga.
- Guru's leadership was apparently so bad that it was considered worse than the Great Drought, which he himself caused.
- He thought Krillin was an Albino Namekian.
- He doesn't like anyone in his race. Except for one, who is crushed by a Dragon Ball seconds later, much to Guru's amusement.
- He can sense Nail after he fused with Piccolo.
- When Guru was brought back to life by Mr. Popo's wish and saw the chaos on Namek, he thought it was global warming.
- He drank all Namek's water causing the great drought as well as causing his obesity.
- His last words, "Choke on 'em! Choke on 'em!" is a reference to the George Romero zombie movie, Day of the Dead, where Captain Rhodes is eaten by zombies.