[DISCLAIMER]
KAISERNEKO: The following is a fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, Toei Animation, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release.
[Scene opens up showing mountains followed by showing many wildlife until a Saiyan Space Pod comes crashing down at a distance, startling many ostriches and a farmer.]
FARMER: Oh, God, no! My marijuana patch! I mean, er... my carrot patch... yeah! [drives towards the explosion]
[thinking] I better do what any sensible Middle American would do in this situation: Get mah gun!
[Space Pod opens up in a shiny light and Raditz emerges]
SPACE POD: Hello, and welcome to Earth... With open bar.
FARMER: Holy crap, it’s Sonic the Hedgeho-- Eh, no, it’s an alien! Holy sh**, it’s an alien!
RADITZ: Finally on this dead plan-- [notices teeming wildlife] Wait... What the crap? Did Kakarrot screw this up? Oh, God damn it, I knew we should’ve sent Turles.
FARMER: Better think of something cool to say to make him stop! [cocks shotgun while Raditz scans him with his scouter] Hey, you! (thinking) Heh, genius farmer, genius!
RADITZ: Aw, look at him. He thinks he’s people. What’s your power level, little human? [checks his power level with scouter] Five, huh?
FARMER: Protect me, gun! [fires a shot at Raditz, who catches the bullet with his hand]
RADITZ: Hey! No! Bad human! [flings the bullet back at the farmer, sending him flying at towards his truck and killing him]
FARMER: [extreme quickly while flying towards his truck] Gah, but I voted for Bush!
RADITZ: Bad! Now get back up and tell me you’re sorry! Human? Huuuman? [sighs] So this is why Dad said I couldn’t keep Appule...
[OPENING SEQUENCE - "CHA-LA HEAD CHA-LA"]
[scene shifts to a wasteland, where Piccolo is standing on top of a plateau]
PICCOLO: Good ol’ wasteland! Yep! Sure is some kick-ass training!... Damn it, I’m lonely. Might as well check MySpace. [opens up his MySpace page] No new comments... No friend requests... Damn it. Well at least I have you, Tom. You’re always there for me.
RADITZ: Hey! You!
PICCOLO: What the hell?
RADITZ: Are you Kakarrot? Seriously if you are, stay still! I need to talk to you about killing and selling this planet! It’s really important! Oh, wait a second; you’re not Kakarrot. My bad!
PICCOLO: I’ve got green skin, pointy ears and a turban. Oh yeah, I must look like SO MANY other people!
RADITZ: Oh, a smartass, huh? I don’t appreciate smartasses. Prepare yourself for my signature attack: Double Sun--
[Screen suddenly turns monochrome and the scene pauses]
VEGETA3986: No!
LANIPATOR: Huh?
VEGETA3986: Give me the mic!
LANIPATOR: What--? No--come on, man!
VEGETA3986: Dude-- Give me the mic!
[A picture of the original DragonBall appears on screen with the words 'We are experiencing technical difficulties' superimposed over the top and bottom.]
LANIPATOR: It’s a real attack na--
VEGETA3986: NO, IT ISN’T!
LANIPATOR: Fine! Here, take it. I’ll just go practice my Vegeta. Ass!
[Scene rewinds and starts over]
RADITZ: [in a different voice] Now prepare yourself for my signature attack: Keep Your Eye on the Bir-- [scouter beeps] Oooh! A higher power level!
[Raditz flies higher in the air and looks around]
PICCOLO: [off-screen] Hey! What the hell?! Weren’t you going to kill me?
RADITZ: Ah, there we go. Considering the average set by this one green guy and that farmer, the chances of this being Kakarrot are-- Dah, screw it, I’ll just go and check!
[Raditz flies off]
PICCOLO: Fine! Go ahead! I didn’t want your company anyway! Right Tom?
[scene changes to Kame House with Bulma's ship arriving and Bulma walking towards the front door]
BULMA: Hey, I’m here!
KRILLIN: BOOBS! I mean, Bulma!.... Hi!
BULMA: Oooooooookaaaaaaaay, how’s it going?
MASTER ROSHI: I’m drinking OJ! [cup changes to brown] Now it’s apple juice! [cup changes to orange] Now it’s beer! Yay, beer! [chugs down beer]
KRILLIN: So where’s Yamcha?
BULMA: I think the bastard’s cheating on me!
KRILLIN: Why do you say that?
[flashback of Bulma walking in on Yamcha]
YAMCHA: [appears as a silhouette] Bulma! It’s not what it looks li-- oh okay, it’s totally what it looks like. Can I still live here? Please? Before this I was living in the desert. Oh, and did you change Puar’s litterbox yet?
PUAR: [appears as a silhouette] I made boom-boom!
[back to present]
KRILLIN: Oh, are you serious? Yamcha? Oh, that is so out of char-- so you’re single then?
[Goku jumps off Nimbus walks towards the front door]
GOKU: Hey guys!
[Bulma opens the door with Krillin running up after her]
BULMA: Goku!
KRILLIN: TAIL-- eh, wait, what?
[Goku laughs and holds up his arm, in his other arm, there is a small toddler with a tail clinging onto Goku]
BULMA: Uh, Goku? I can’t help but notice that five-year-old you’re carrying.
KRILLIN: Goku, just because we picked YOU up in the middle of the woods when you were a kid doesn’t mean you can go around stealing children.
GOKU: Erm, okay. [places Gohan on the ground] This is actually my son.
[Krillin, Bulma and Master Roshi are shocked along with the head of M. Night Shyamalan popping up]
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: What a twist!
BULMA: Oh, wow! I guess this means you finally, you know.
GOKU: Know what?
MASTER ROSHI: [appearing right next to Goku] You know, "Bow chicka wow wow~"
GOKU: [completely oblivious] What are those noises you’re making?
BULMA, MASTER ROSHI: [simultaneously, thinking] Oh, my God. He’s a parent!
KRILLIN: So when’s the little guy gonna start training?
[Gohan is seen playing with Turtle]
GOKU: Actually, Chi-Chi is making him study. She wants him to grow up and be... what’s it called?
KRILLIN: A productive and responsible member of society?
GOKU: Yeah-- lame, that’s it! [to Gohan] Hey, son, come here! [Gohan runs towards Goku] Stop playing with the turtle! We don’t need people saying things...
BULMA: Hey, is that a DragonBall on his head? Doesn’t that sorta make him a target for villains who might want them?
GOKU: Aw, come on. I beat Piccolo. I’m strong enough to beat anyone who-- [senses a disturbance] Holy black on a Popo, what is that?!
MASTER ROSHI: What’s wrong?
GOKU: I just felt a power level bigger than... than... Krillin’s losing streak!
KRILLIN: [off-screen] ...You know, you guys are the reason I go to therapy...
GOKU: (He’s getting closer!)
KRILLIN: Shouldn’t we grab Gohan and put him insi-- [Raditz flies down in front of the group] Oh, son of a...
RADITZ: It took me a while to get here, but I finally found you, Kakarrot.
GOKU: ...What?
RADITZ: That’s right, that’s your name.
GOKU: ...What?
RADITZ: The name you were given before we sent you to this planet!
GOKU: ...What?
RADITZ: Yooouuu... hit your head as a child, didn’t you?
[flashback of Goku banging his head as a baby]
GOKU: ...What?
RADITZ: Oh, for God’s sakes, listen! [a montage plays showing Goku's Space Pod travelling to Earth and a group of Saiyans] You were sent here as a child to take over the planet. You’re part of a dead race of intergalactic super warriors called the Saiyans. And to top off this expositional onslaught; I... am your brother!
[Shows the shocked faces of Goku, Bulma, Krillin, and Master Roshi. A crab falls off a tree in total surprise]
KRILLIN: So you’re his brother, huh? [walks up towards Raditz] Wow, that must mean you’ll be involved in lots of future events, right? Right?
[Raditz hits Krillin with his tail, sending him flying straight into Kame House. Krillin wails.]
[Krillin Owned Count: 1]
KRILLIN: What did I say?
GOKU: Hey! Stop hitting Krillin!
RADITZ: Why?
GOKU: Because you’re breaking Kame House!
KRILLIN: [offscreen, weakly] Yeah... Stop breaking Kame House...
GOKU: So, what are you here for? The Dragon Balls?
RADITZ: The... the dragon’s what?
GOKU: The Dragon Balls, you know? There are seven of them. They grant any wish you want-- like immortality?
OOLONG: Or Bulma’s panties!
[cuts to Vegeta and Nappa on an unknown planet]
NAPPA: Vegeta, did you hear that?
VEGETA: Oh, yeah, we’re totally going to Earth to get our wish!
NAPPA: Yeah, we’re gonna get panties! ...I mean, immortality. Immortality is what I meant, right, Vegeta?
VEGETA: ...Just get in the damn pod!
[cuts back to Kame House. Raditz walks towards Kame House while Bulma picks up Gohan and moves away.]
RADITZ: No... I’m here for you, Kakarrot.
GOKU: So, what are we gonna do? See a ballgame? Catch a movie?
RADITZ: We’re going to kill everyone on the planet and then sell it for profit to an alien overlord who may or may not have destroyed our own planet. [scene shows a planet flashing and then exploding]
GOKU: Oh. Well, uh, I sorta like people here, so with all due respect-- [Raditz knees Goku in the stomach, sending him flying and screaming as he comes crashing down into the ground]
GOHAN: [runs towards Goku] Daddy!
RADITZ: [walks up and grabs Gohan] I’ll be taking this! Yoink! [flies away holding Gohan in his arm]
GOKU: [weakly] Quick! Somebody stop him! [crickets chirp in silence] Damn it, Krillin!
KRILLIN: Hey! I was bitch-slapped through a house! What’s your excuse?!
GOKU: I was kneed in the stomach!
[Krillin gasps and looks into the sky]
PICCOLO: You guys are pathetic! [Goku gasps while everyone looks at the sky and stares at Piccolo] ...What?
[Piccolo lands in front of the group]
GOKU: Aw, jeez... Hey, look, I know you totally wanna kill me and all, but today's kind of a bad day. My brother just showed up, turns out I’m an alien, he stole my kid!
PICCOLO: Oh, yeah; I was watching that! That was priceless! [Piccolo starts laughing while Krillin and Master Roshi stare at him in disbelief] ...Sorry for your loss.
GOKU: Yeah. Anyway, wanna help me get him back?
PICCOLO: Whyyyyy?
GOKU: I’ll friend you on MySpace!
[Piccolo stares blankly at Goku and then the scene suddenly shifts to Goku and Piccolo flying towards Raditz]
PICCOLO: [in his thoughts] Tom, you’ve been replaced!
[ending sequence]
[STINGER]
[Master Roshi is seen holding a Crunch bar]
MASTER ROSHI: Now it’s a Nestlé Crunch bar! [Crunch bar turns into a gummi bear] Now it’s a gummi bear! [gummi bear turns into Nappa's head] Now it’s Nappa!
NAPPA: Wait, what the hell?
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