Transcript. Bruh put a Trigger warning unironically. The LoLs
DANDY MAN: The following is a fan-based parody, puta. Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse, and licensed by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment, and Funimation. Vá lamber o cu da sua mãe. It means, "Go suck your mother's cu--"
(Scene: Integra on the phone)
ALUCARD: Say it!
INTEGRA: Fuck you.
ALUCARD: After you say it.
INTEGRA: You're really going to force me on this?
ALUCARD: I'm at half mast! I need to hear this!
INTEGRA: Fine! You were right!
INTEGRA: Jump up your own ass and DIE!
ALUCARD: Ahhhhh! Houston... we have nooo problems.
(Anderson breaks into the Hellsing Mansion, audibly shocking Seras and Bernadotte)
ALUCARD: OK, dude, I just-- I just finished, I'm gonna need like, five minutes over here to recharge--
(Alucard and Anderson trade blows)
Never mind, we're back in business!
SERAS: I've got him! (attempts to strike Anderson, who counters with a bayonet that almost hits her) OH! (trembles in fear)
ALUCARD: Ah great, and now she's triggered. Could be all day with it...
(Seras turns catatonic)
ANDERSON: The good Lord has handed down a blessing to ya filthy heathens as a sign of good will... A small private Vatican jet. Now, if you would be so very Christian-like to ship your sorry pale ass out! (Seras remains catatonic) And take your trigger happy harlot with ya! And the woman!
BERNADOTTE: (after finishing his soft drink) ...Donc quoi?
ALUCARD: Man, I don't know what I find funnier: The Catholic Church strong-arming you into helping us, or the fact that you obviously haven't seen what I did to the statue of Big J~!
(beat; view changes to Christ the Redeemer adorned with a rainbow-colored flag labelled "420YOLOSWAG4JESUS")
RENALDO: Di banner won't-a come-a down. I think it's a constrictor knot.
ALUCARD: (muffled) What-- What do you mean, you "forgot the song"? Okay, screw-- screw it, no screw it! Screw it! Just, t-take my phone and hit "Random". No, just hit "Random". Okay. Three, two...
(Alucard, Seras and Bernadotte enter the room to the sound of Alucard's ringtone)
(normal) No, okay, turn it off, turn it off! (music cut-off) It didn't work. It did not work.
INTEGRA: Following your example?
ALUCARD: Ooh, catty! Oh shit, is that Betty?!
BODYGUARD: Excuse me sir, you're going to have to--
ALUCARD: Get out of my way!
THE QUEEN: Well, well, well. If it isn't Allie. Your skin is still as smooth as the day I felt it on my own...
ALUCARD: You know it. Reminds me of when I'd keep your bed warm during the Blitz.
THE QUEEN: Those were better days. I was younger, beautiful...
ALUCARD: Oh shut up, you old hag! I'd still wreck you like Diana!
THE QUEEN: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh, you know exactly what to say to moisten me up...
PENWOOD: Gah, I can never have sex again!
INTEGRA: Alucard... if you please.
ALUCARD: You're right. Enough focusing on the past... Instead, let's focus on the past! Back in World War II, Walter and I were part of a top-secret government operation called "Operation Kraut Control". Walter was fifteen, and I'm pretty sure if I'm remembering correctly, I was a girl...
REGINALD: Wait a second; then that implies that the Queen--
ALUCARD: INTERRUPT MY STORY AGAIN, REGGIE! SEE WHAT HAPPENS! (beat) But yeah, we were under orders to stick it sideways to a group of Nazi scientist whackjobs interested in creating a vampire army. And did we!
INTEGRA: Seems you missed a spot.
ALUCARD: Are you g-- Are you gonna do this right now? In front of everybody?
INTEGRA: The point is, enough members have survived and are planning on finishing their mission. They've established a base in Brazil, and are using the name--
(Integra and Maxwell gasp; Heinkel and Bernadotte train their guns on Schrödinger)
Warten Sie! How do you say... "Do not shoot ze messenger".
ALUCARD: Ah... the return of the Y-boner... with a vengeance!
INTEGRA: How did he get in here?
WALTER: We had over a dozen guards.
ALUCARD: Those were ours? I mean oh my God, how did he get through the guuuardss-ss-ks?!
SCHRÖDINGER: (after placing a TV on the table) My commanding officer, Ze Major, would like to personally introduce himself... along with our vonderful organization. (tries to acquire video feed, to no avail) ...What? (tries again)
MAJOR: (audio only) Schrödinger?
SCHRÖDINGER: It's not working, Major!
MAJOR: Did you click "TV" zen "Power"?
SCHRÖDINGER: Oh vait, I'm on Video 2.
MAJOR: Nein! Video 1!
SCHRÖDINGER: (acquires video feed) Got it!
[The tune of "Der Koniggratzer Marsch" plays in the background]
ALUCARD: He-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Aha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! He's still so fucking fat! (continues laughing) He's like a Nazi Louis C.K., ha-ha-ha-ha! Wait, wait! No, no; Jim Gaffigan! Jim Gaffigan...!
MAJOR: Ah, if it isn't ze memorable Alucard... his provider, Sir Integra... ze Bean Counters... und of course - very interesting to see, by ze vay - ze Vatican. How does it feel to vork vith your svorn enemies, Father Maxvell?
MAXWELL: Not as painful as your obnoxious voice.
MAJOR: Ah, come on! Ve used to be friends with ze Vatican! Remember how you aided us in our escape from Germany?
MAJOR: Uh-oh, I guess they veren't supposed to know zat~!
INTEGRA: So that's how you knew about them.
MAXWELL: Arrtf! (resigned sigh) ...Yes.
MAJOR: I'm sure you're chomping at the bit to find out vhat ve have in store for you, nein?
INTEGRA: Nazi army.
MAJOR: ...Wow, just... kill all ze fun! Put ze fun in camps, vhy don't you?
ALUCARD: Yeah, you Fun-Nazi.
INTEGRA: Get to the fucking point!
MAJOR: Vell, mind me if it seems a little too American for you, but... at some time, some place, somezing vill attack you. Maybe. Probably. Could be happening right noooow~!
ALUCARD: Fingers crossed!
MAJOR: But rest assured, zis is no simple incursion... (in background) We have prepared studiously, und soon, ze fruits of our endless dedication will run wild. Und ze blood of Britain shall flow out the English Channel!
--- simultaneously with Major speaking in background ---
SCHRÖDINGER: Fräulein... Fräulein... Fräulein...! HEY, FRÄULEIN!
SCHRÖDINGER: Ve would make beautiful children.
--- background speech ends ---
SERAS: Uh...! (blushes)
(Alucard shoots Schrödinger in the face)
ALUCARD: Was that boy/girl bugging you?
MAJOR: Und like zhat, ze var begins!
ALUCARD: Whoops! Did I just accidentally a war?
INTEGRA: Police Girl...
(Seras shoots the TV to pieces)
SERAS: ...Huh. They would've looked rather nice, actually.
INTEGRA: Alright now; Alucard, clean that u-- (notices all traces of Schrödinger have disappeared) ...o-- ...oh (!)
ALUCARD: Oh wow! Looks like he was self-cleaning! And/or magical.
THE QUEEN: Integra? Alucard?
ALUCARD: Yes, sugarlips?
THE QUEEN: When you find him, and when you kill him... I want you to record it, so I can fall asleep to it every night.
ALUCARD: Jesus fucking CHRIST, I'VE MISSED YOU!
ALUCARD: Oh shut up.
(Scene: Nazi HQ)
DOCTOR: Ah, Major, I think that vent vell.
MAJOR: You zhink it vent vell? Herr Doctor, I was there. Und much like our former boss... (flashback to the Colonel being mauled by his subordinates) ...I killed it!
SCHRÖDINGER: Let us hope ze Major does not end up ze same! We do not have ze freezer space to store all ze incidental leftovers!
MAJOR: Ah, Doctor, usually it is a faux pas to give a pet as a gift... but I love him!
DOCTOR: Major, I am so sorry for his disrespectful disposition!
MAJOR: Ah, don't vorry. I much enjoy some playful cattiness in my staff.
MAJOR: Nonezheless, it is time for phase two of our operation: Our fräulein's excursion to ze English Channel!
SOLDIER: Sir! There's an inbound helicopter trying to land!
OFFICER: That seems odd. Commander Violet, do you know--? (Violet emits an inhuman growl) ...OH GOD, THAT'S WHY YOU'RE PURPLE! (Violet kills the officer)
RIP VAN WINKLE: Zhis is mein favorite kind of ship: Running wis blood und seamen.
RIP VAN WINKLE: Ze game!
VIOLET: What game??
RIP VAN WINKLE: You lose! LOL, I'm so random!
VIOLET: Uh... so... The ship is now under your command, Miss Rip Van Winkle.
RIP VAN WINKLE: Ah~, danke schön~, Captain! Tell me, how did it feel slaughtering your kinsmen, turning zhem into ghouls, betraying your family und country... all for ze selfish desire to become an immortal vampire?
VIOLET: Wow, uh, when you put it like that, I feel like kind of a cunt!
RIP VAN WINKLE: Oh, but you know what might make you feel better, Captain?
VIOLET: Uh, what's that--?
(RvW branndishes a musket in his face)
RIP VAN WINKLE: ...Checking your privilege. (shoots Violet)
ALUCARD: Walter... if I may confide in you...
WALTER: I temper my sense of decency in expectation.
ALUCARD: I am positively throbbing over these guys returning!
WALTER: Well, if it lasts for more than four hours...
ALUCARD: Walter, do you know my top three favorite things I've killed are? Third is the Turks... Second is Nazis... Can you guess the first?
WALTER: Your father?
ALUCARD: (claps) Nailed it!
ANDERSON: I see! Now it's open season for these heathen swine!
MAXWELL: (phone) Alexander, while I mirror your fervor to lay steel upon the soulless jowls of the English Church... we have a much bigger foe knocking at our door.
ANDERSON: They knock at the door of Hellsing... and as the wolf huffs and puffs, we shall skewer these pigs ourselves!
MAXWELL: I do not know the metaphor on which you draw... but regardless, we must set aside the quarrels of our houses, and unite under the banner of God.
ANDERSON: Ah, I see! So this... is a crusade!
MAXWELL: No, no, no-no-no-no! We don't say that anymore; we're calling it, ah... Damn, what do the American cows say?
MAXWELL: Right...! Now... shall we, keep the peace?
NAZI GRUNTS: FOR MILLENNIUM! (attempt to gun Anderson down, who skewers them all with bayonets)
ANDERSON: (to himself) Only until it's time to slide in the knife!
PENWOOD: We lost communication with the vessel eighteen hours ago. Currently, it's resting in the Atlantic 300 kilometers off the coast of Pauling.
INTEGRA: Have you acquired visual via satellite?
OFFICER: Yes, and they've left a rather... cryptic message that we've yet to make any sense of.
(Satellite picture shows a vessel with "THE CAKE IS A LIE" painted in blood)
INTEGRA: ...I... I don't get this. I don't get it.
PENWOOD: None of us know what it means either!
INTEGRA: Is it a reference or something?
OFFICER: Of course, there was one other shot we had, which looks to be someone sitting in the middle with a yellow parasol. Seems a tad random if you ask me.
RIP VAN WINKLE: Rainbow! Tacos! Doctor Who! Homestuck!
INTEGRA: This person looks like they're begging for attention...
PENWOOD: And they're about to get it! The Special Air Service has deployed two platoons via helicopter! They'll have visual any moment now.
INTEGRA: Wait for it...
OPERATOR: We've lost both helis!
OFFICERS: Hmm?! Oh?!
OPERATOR: And that was Portal, by the way. That's Portal. That's... what it's from...
INTEGRA: Well, this has been fun. Always nice playing audience to this menagerie you call a military... Since it seems like you've got this one on lockdown, I'll leave you to it.
PENWOOD: Whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Uh, based on new information that has been presented to us, uh, we have decided we... require the Hellsing Organization and their services.
INTEGRA: You know, it's amazing how much time and people we could save if you'd just ask us in the first place. Walter?
(Walter chuckles as he and Integra leave the room)
WALTER: We're talking a hefty game, Sir Integra. Three hundred kilometers into the Atlantic and they seem to be able to annihilate anything we send at them.
INTEGRA: And we can't send a submarine; it could be a depth charge showcase down there.
WALTER: Can't go at it from the sides, can't go at it from below...
INTEGRA: So our only option is to hit that son of a bitch from above.
WALTER: Well, we do have one option... However, it was decommissioned in 1998.
ALUCARD: The Lockheed SR-71 Blackbird... An advanced long-range strategic reconnaissance aircraft capable of Mach 3 and an altitude of 85,000 feet!
INTEGRA: You sure do seem to know a lot about it...
ALUCARD: DO YOU EVEN READ MY CHRISTMAS LIST?!?!
(Scene: RvW sings to the tune 'of "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley)
RIP VAN WINKLE: ♫ A full commitment's what I'm thinking of ♪
♪ You wouldn't get zhis from any ozher guy ♪
(intercom) ♪ I~ just wanna tell you how I'm feeling ♪
(intercom) ♪ Gotta make you understand ♪
(intercom) ♪ Never gonna give you up ♪
--- simutaneously with RvW intercom singing ---
NAZI GRUNT: Ze hell is she singing now?
NAZI GRUNT: I have no idea; I think it was popular a couple years back.
NAZI GRUNT: At least she is no longer on about ze ponies, and ze friendship,and ze wrapping up of the winter!
--- intercom singing ends ---
RIP VAN WINKLE: ♪ Never gonna let you down ♪
♪ Never gonna run around and desert you ♪
♪ Never gonna make you cry ♪
♪ Never gonna say goodbye ♪
♪ Never gonna tell a lie, and hurt you ♫
(ragged horrified breathing) IT'S HIM! LIKE ZE MAJOR SAID!
NAZI OFFICER: Uh, mein fräulein Van Winkle, the-- the song was nice, so you don't need to--
RIP VAN WINKLE: PREPARE FOR COMBAAAT! IT'S ALUCAAAAARD!!
NAZI OFFICER: Focus your fire! We are going to tear zhat aircraft apart!
ALUCARD: (satisfied growl)
(Alucard pilots the Blackbird through enemy fire without taking damage)
RIP VAN WINKLE: (thinking) Zey say no man can kill you, Alucard? Zat's because you don't send a man to do a WOMAN'S job!
(RvW takes the Blackbird down (which explodes) with her musket, only for Alucard to immediately reform)
RIP VAN WINKLE: VHAT?!
(Alucard flies straight into the ship, killing all Nazis on-board (bar RvW) and setting the ship on fire; he then stands up in the inferno while a terrified RvW hides elsewhere)
RIP VAN WINKLE: AAH!
(Both enemies come face-to-face)
ALUCARD: ...Nice ship you got here.
RIP VAN WINKLE: I-- ...I am Rip Van Winkle... und I COMMAND YOUR RESPECT! (trains her musket on Alucard)
ALUCARD: No. You demand my attention. (RvW starts firing bullets) Ow! Oof!
RIP VAN WINKLE: I don't have to take zis from you...! You racist, cisgendered, patriarch-propagating, misogynistic PIG!!
(Alucard deliberately catches a bullet with his teeth, to RvW's shock)
ALUCARD: (garbled) ...The funny thing is... (chomps bullet to dust; normal voice) ...in any other circumstance, you might have had a point there. Except my boss is a woman, I was a chick in the 40s, I hate everyone equally, and there's no one alive who could comprehend my sexual preference! So in other words, Miss Van Winkle... CH-CH-CH-CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE! (socks RvW in the jaw)
RIP VAN WINKLE: AAH-guahh...! Owuh!
(Alucard takes the musket, then grips RvW by the neck, causing her to choke)
V-v-vait...! Vhat are you--?!
ALUCARD: (as he pushes the barrel into RvW's chest) Oh? Haven't you heard the new sensation sweeping the nation? You bitches love cannons. (fires bullet, causing RvW to emit a blood-curdling scream)
(Scene: Lights come on in the Nazi HQ)
MAJOR: Gentlemen... Operation Bait Van Winkle is a rezounding success! Alucard is now exactly vhere ve need him to be so we can move forward viss our little... surprise.
However, before ve begin our next phase, I vould like to take some time to address a rumor floating around ze fleet... Some of you have come to believe zat I... like... var. I vish to dash zese rumors! I do not like var...
I. (beat) Love. (beat) Var!
Through my life, I have discovered so many forms of war...
You get up in ze morning, you get into your shitty car, und you see a rich CEO, who works half as hard as you do, drive down ze street in his Porsche. Class war!
You make it to vork, und you find out zat ze annual drug test is today, und you just so happened to take a puff of your one-hitter a couple nights ago before dinner with your wife's awful parents! Drug war.
But zen... you find out zat ze only ones being called in for testing are your black und Hispanic co-vorkers. Race war!
Zen you try und post about it on your Facebook, but zen all your friends start arguing about vat's right und vat's wrong! Flame war.
You finally get home, und you decide to relax by watching a program about: "Who gets ze box?" "What's in ze box?" "How much is vat's in ze box vorth?" Storage Wars. Hu-hu-hu-hu-hu... hmm...
Vat I am telling you, my Nazi army of one sousand vampires, is that I am a purveyor of war. And wis your help over ze years, ve are now at the precipice of our true goal. You see, I vant a simple var... No class wars, no drug wars, no race wars, no flame wars, und CERTAINLY - no COLD WARS! Blueballed for forty years...
Vat I vant is a var zat only ve can bring. A true... var! A GERMAN... var! The sequel you've all been vaiting for...!
I! WANT! WORLD! WAR! THREEEE!!!
(Nazi soldiers perform the Nazi salute, then repeat "SIEG HEIL!" ten times)
(Several protagonists are shown, with Alucard the last to appear)
ALUCARD: Hu-hu-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he! He-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! AH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!! AHH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAA...!! (beat) I better not miss a damn thing.